Archive for April, 2013



The Iron Zombie

I was going to put this post up yesterday but then I thought it would probably be in bad taste. I am, after all, a human being with feelings and a distinct sense of decency even for a world leader I didn’t particularly care for. I was raised in an environment where one simply does not speak ill of the dead. There have to be rules in society. And respect for those who have passed is chief among them.

Okay, that’s all bullshit. Truth was I just had a million things to do and didn’t have the time to finish it until now. Fact is I cannot abide by the tendency to shower praise on terrible people after they’ve died. It’s like when Reagan finally took his dirt nap a few years ago. Everybody had nothing but great and positive things to say about him. Everyone fell over each other trying to lay claim to his legacy. When he was alive he was a fucking retard who couldn’t even find his underwear without help and it was a total miracle he didn’t start World War III on accident. Once they planted him, however, he suddenly became the guy who brought down the Berlin Wall and defeated the Soviet Union and cured Gonorrhea.

And now the same is being done for Thatcher who was basically Ronald Reagan with lipstick and a dress. She loved rich people, hated poor people and got off on bombing countries on the other side of the world. But now she’s the strong leader who brought peace to the civilized world, saved democracy and rescued orphaned babies from African warlords. Or something. Whatever. Fucking harpy. She was known as the “Iron Lady” because she was a goddamn robot. Her own party got rid of her in the 90’s because she held social views that would have made General Custer look like Gandhi.

This is, of course, all just academic. Thatcher never dies. She is immortal. And soon, the Honor Guard of the Hordak will flank her corpse as the Witches of Zood carry her to the Lazarus Pit chanting the Homily of Gobb. Then, after six unholy days of submersion in the blood of cursed Xanxian lepers, she will rise again. And when she does you better take your family down to the basement and barricade the door because that bitch is going to be fucking hungry.



The Bush Library

Yes, I am aware that a Presidential library doesn’t actually have books in it. But, let’s face it: you know Bush thinks they do. I’ll bet that’s exactly what he thinks this thing is going to be. He probably keeps getting all excited and telling his wife Laura “Honey! Hey honey! I’m gonna’ have a library! You can come work at it ‘cause you used to be a librarian! Ain’t that sweet? Heh heh! Heh heh! Maybe they’ll have that goat book in it! Heh heh!”

“President Barack Obama will be on hand for the opening of former President George W. Bush’s library later this month, one of the few times the two have united in person since Bush left office four years ago.

“President Obama and the First Lady look forward to participating in the formal opening of a library that will be dedicated to a President who led our country in difficult times at home and abroad,” said White House Deputy Press Secretary Josh Earnest Wednesday. “It’s difficult to fully comprehend what it’s like to serve as President of the United States unless you’ve done it – and President Obama has developed a good relationship with both President George W. Bush and President George H.W. Bush.”

The library, a sprawling facility on the campus of Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, is slated to open April 25 after more than two years of construction. In addition to Obama, all the living former presidents will attend, according to spokespersons for each president.

Obama and Bush last united a year ago when the former president’s official portrait was unveiled at the White House. The two did not exactly appear close, and in his re-election campaign the president continued to lay blame on Bush for the tepid economic recovery.” – CNN

No shit these two don’t spend a lot of time together. The few times they have been in the same room Obama looked like he was about pull his shirt off and beat the Jesus out of him. And who could blame him? Imagine getting your dream job only to find you have to spend your time in office cleaning up the pile of shit your predecessor left behind. Yeah, everybody blames Bush for the shit we’re in now. Everybody whose opinion matters at any rate. Hell, man, I blame him for everything. War and suffering? Fuckin’ Bush. I burned my toast? Fuckin’ Bush. The neighbor lady got shitfaced and wrecked her car? Fuckin’ Bush. And so on and so forth.

Of course you don’t actually see much of Bush and his father together either. It’s not every day that your idiot kid takes an otherwise solid political dynasty and flushes it down the toilet. Seriously, the name “Bush” is now synonymous with failure and sucking. In fact, the George W. Bush Presidential Library should consist of a single large room with a giant picture of Fatty Arbuckle being hit in the face with a cream pie. I’m not sure how anyone attending the opening of this thing is going to sit through it with a straight face. Or, you know, not begin sobbing uncontrollably when they’re forced to remember what this jackass did to our country for eight years. Jesus, just thinking about it is driving me back to drinking. I’m probably going to lose my job or get in trouble with the law now. Fuckin’ Bush.



Steve Jobs

As I’ve admitted before, I don’t really understand Apple products. I feel like they’re designed for a child or an Ewok or something. But that’s just me. But, if Apple products and consumers perplex me then I have to say the company itself completely blows my mind. I mean, I’m all for leaving a legacy or just being remembered forever. And believe it or not I am actually for people making money. I am not, however, supportive at all of black magic or whatever the fuck you call this.

“According to a report in the San Francisco Examiner, Apple’s Michael Foulkes said during testimony about device kill switch technology that development of the next two generations iPhones preceded current CEO Tim Cook.

The remark is a clear indication that the late Jobs oversaw the development of upcoming iPhone models, the first of which is rumored to debut sometime this fall. This long product road map, extending nearly two years after Jobs’s death, will come as no surprise to longtime Apple fans. Those familiar with Jobs’s history are well acquainted with his penchant for being a bit of a control freak when it comes to nearly any detail concerning the company’s image and product line.

However, for a market that has in recent months appeared all too ready to declare Apple’s successful reign over, this revelation will likely cause some to reconsider the notion that the company has lost its magical luster under the direction of Tim Cook. Fueling those sentiments has been recent talk of an upcoming low-cost iPhone model. Modifying the iPhone to cater to the cost-conscious is a strategy that many believe Jobs—who historically favored design and function over budget concerns—would have avoided, even in the face mounting competition from cheaper Android smartphone alternatives.” – PC WORLD

Even though I don’t own one I do concede that the iPhone is pretty impressive. But, hey, so was the Titanic or the Hindenburg. Not that there’s any real comparison because iPhones haven’t sent scores of people to their deaths or left them with horrible injuries. Well, yeah, that actually has happened but it was far away and involved people who don’t speak English and probably want to kill us anyway so whatever.

Perhaps I’m just getting old but all I need is a phone I can, you know, call people with or text them. I don’t even need a camera on it because I rarely feel compelled to take a picture of the food I’m eating or the billboard I’m looking at and share it with the entire goddamn internet. And I really don’t need constant online access because most of what’s on the internet is crap. And it goes without saying the less access to anything called a “kill switch” I have the better.

As for making the iPhone cheaper I’m not really sure how they’d do that. Make it out of paper and power it with fairies or something I guess. And of course Jobs favored design and function over budgetary concerns. I feel the same way about sex toys and black market organs. And I’m sure whatever alien technology currently keeping his brain alive was designed with a similar philosophy in mind.