Archive for May, 2013



My Michele


I’m so full of feelings right now and they’re all just going crazy inside of me. Everything is just happening so fast I don’t know where to start.

Needless to say I heard it from a friend. Who heard it from a friend. Who heard it from the “politics” section of every major news outlet on the planet. It’s over. We’re over. And to my horror I had to hear it from someone else. Everyone else. Literally. I may very well be the last person in the world who found out you won’t be running for reelection. How could I have been so blind? So foolish?

I suppose it’s no real surprise. I can’t pretend that we haven’t just been going through the motions these last few months. Maybe even a year or two now. Who knows. A love like ours was just never meant to last. So strong. So profound. So delusional. When the light burns twice as bright it burns half as long.

In many ways I am happy. We both know Congress was no good for you anyway. He’s a bastard and he’s ungrateful. To think of you being free now on the wooded frontier of Minnesota brings warmth to my heart. Perhaps it is there that you will truly find yourself and discover happiness. When I see the sun setting I will know that you watched the same sunset two hours earlier.

I know that in the coming days and even years we will still cross paths. We are two of a kind. Just different. And society’s chains will never be able to shackle us. Nevertheless, we will be expected to perform our duties with dignity and honor. I in my obscure rantings and you on Fox News or QVC. We will both have to fight the temptation to reignite our old passions or it will become an inferno that will consume us.

Ssssh. Don’t speak, my love.

Just, maybe, think of me once in a while.




Say What Again

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these particular pieces. I always have fun doing them and based on the feedback I get people enjoy reading them. Of course based on some of the feedback I get I’m a raging asshole so, you know, grain of salt and all that. Or is it sand? Fuck. I don’t know. It’s one of the two.

President Obama is scheduled to make a major foreign policy speech today at the National Defense University. I’m not sure if that’s a four year university or some kind of JuCo but it sounds pretty important. What follows is what I’d love for him to say. Even though if he actually did say it he’d be out of his goddamn mind. Although it would be pretty cool.


“Thank you. Thank you. Everyone go ahead and take a seat. Glad you could be here. I know it’s Memorial Day weekend and I’m sure many of you have grills and six packs ready to roll so I won’t keep you any longer than I have to. I’m here to deliver a speech on America’s foreign policy. But, everyone wants to hear me talk about drones. So, let me just get this other stuff out of the way and then I’ll come atcha’ like Cleopatra. Let’s see…

(removes a crumpled piece of paper from suit pocket)

…Afghanistan: We’re done. Go fuck yourselves. Iraq: Nobody gives a shit. Iran: Oh, I’m shaking. North Korea: Are they even still a country? Russia: Kiss my black ass. Syria: You ain’t seen nothing yet. Israel: Calm the fuck down. Egypt: Ditto. China: You’re gonna’ look pretty funny trying to eat corn on the cob with no fucking teeth. And finally, Texas: Are you still here? There. Done.

(tosses paper over shoulder)

Okay, then. Who want’s to talk about drones? Aww yeah! Lemme’ see some hands: anyone here want to go to Waziristan? How about Somalia? Iran? No, no keep ’em up so I can count. Let’s see that would be… nobody. So drones it is.

(makes buzzing sound, flaps arms like a bird)

As much as I would love to keep spending billions of dollars to chase bearded homos in caves I would have to be as retarded as my predecessor to do that in this economy. This is the future of warfare, kids. In ten years half the fucking countries on the planet are going to have these goddamn things. We’re gonna’ look pretty silly trying to send troops everywhere. 21st century in the house, folks. Aw shit.

And as for using them here at home, well, yes we’re going to do that. Until some eighth grader hijacks one out of the sky with his iPad and crashes it into his school. Then I’m sure people will get cold feet about it. And while we’re on the subject of irritating little children, the Republicans in Congress can cry and whine all they want. These are the same band of illiterate sissies who gave us the Patriot Act and turned the CIA into the fucking A Team. So Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell and Marco Rubio can go back to burning books and beating their stepkids for all I care. Fucking stooges.

Also, and I know I get a ton of shit for this, but many times innocent people are killed in these strikes. Women, children, maybe some poor jackass cleaning the pool or whatever. I don’t like it. I’m not a sociopath or an accountant. I have feelings. I have emotions. And you can tell from my gray hair that I don’t get a whole lot of sleep at night. But I also have some advice. If you know people who are terrorists you should probably stay the fuck away from them. And let’s be honest here, you know they’re terrorists. They usually have machine guns and c4 all over the house. They say  “Jihad” or “Great Satan” or “Rivers of Blood” all the time. They never get laid and they have pictures of bearded dudes everywhere. They hate the Jews. They’re always bitching about the Jews. If you know people like this then don’t go over to their house. Shit, stay out of their neighborhood altogether because I can promise you it’s like one mouse click away from becoming a fucking parking lot. Use a little common sense for Christ’s sake.

So, in closing, yes we are going to rely more on drones in the future even though we’re going to have to start being careful about where and when we use them. Iran has already stolen like eight of these damn things from us because it’s not exactly rocket science in the first place. And let’s not forget that a drone is only as smart as the person piloting it. So, maybe think about that the next time you wanna’ badmouth teachers or cut education from the budget. God bless America and have a drink on me, bitches. I’m fuckin’ outta’ here.”



American Economic Policy

Yeah yeah yeah. I know. I’m bitching about money again. Well, it just seems to me that whenever I have a problem in life it usually involves money. So fucking excuse me. I’ll happily admit to not understanding economics. Hell, I’ll even write a song about it. I’ll put on a goddamn tuxedo and run up and down the street singing it. I’ve said this many, many times I know. But just when I think it doesn’t need to be said again I read something like this:

“Since the Great Recession, countless Americans have shunned the idea of taking on more debt. Homeowners discovered that stretching to buy bigger houses would result in years of financial turmoil. Jobless college grads unable to pay down their student loans now wonder if their degrees are really worth it. And as Europe grapples with its own debt problems, Washington lawmakers struggle to find a way to reduce the U.S. deficit.

Indeed, many have learned a few harsh lessons. But debt isn’t always a bad thing. More of it can reflect a healthy economy — one where consumers, as well as lenders feel comfortable taking on more risks…

…It’s a negative sign. The Federal Reserve’s policies to keep interest rates super-low has spurred more home and car sales by getting consumers to borrow more, but it appears young adults have benefitted less from the central bank’s bond-buying program.” – CNN MONEY

I’m going to go ahead and disagree with, uh, economics on that point. Being in hock to anyone is fucking terrible news. And I should know. My wife and I will be paying off school loans until we’re dead. And as far as the Federal Reserve goes, well, I thought it was some kind of beer to be honest. Debt is only good for people who are in the debt business. And fuck those people. Only something as backwards and illogical as economics would consider less debt a bad thing. Yeah, I know, the Federal Reserve is doing some kind of math and banks are upset or something. Shit, man. I don’t understand these fucking people. What I do know is that I want less debt in my life. If that means never owning a home or buying a new car then, frankly, so be it. Because I don’t want something like what happened in Britain recently to happen here:

“A debt-ridden father doused himself in petrol and turned himself into a human fireball after being harassed for money by payday loan firms.Antony Breeze, 36, died after setting himself alight, telling passers-by who tried to extinguish the flames: ‘I’ve had enough.’

In the hours before the tragedy Mr Breeze, who owed around £1,600, was bombarded with text messages about his arrears, an inquest heard.

The next day he went out, telling his girlfriend he was getting petrol for a lawnmower.
Minutes later he was found screaming and in flames on a pathway.

He had been so worried about the debts that he lost a stone in weight in just two weeks, relatives said.

Mr Breeze and his partner of nine years, Amanda Lowe, had a six-year-old daughter, Amy, and were planning to marry.” – THE DAILY MAIL

Yeah. More debt is a good thing. Except for, you know, people.



Congressman Issa

Apparently, there’s a place in Libya called Benghazi. And apparently something terrible happened there. This much I know for sure. And coincidentally that also marks the limits of my actual concern on the matter. Of course if you ask Republican Congressman Darrell Issa, the story is a whole lot more complex and insidious. Apparently before, during and after the attack Barack Obama did, uh, something. Apparently Hillary Clinton said something to someone who then went and did… something else. Apparently ninjas were also involved. D.B. Cooper as well. And Bigfoot. He was there too.

Then again, even if I had the opportunity I probably wouldn’t ask Darrell Issa anything. I take it as a given in life that people like him have nothing to tell me that I don’t either A) already know or, B) already know is crazy. But, hey, the guy is a congressman. So he gets to go on TV and talk about whatever the fuck he wants.

“Former Ambassador Thomas Pickering, who co-led the independent inquiry into Benghazi, was incredulous on Monday at Rep. Darrell Issa’s (R-Calif.) suggestion that then-CIA director David Petraeus was likely just carrying the White House’s water in the aftermath of the terrorist attack.

“I think that’s all crazy,” said Pickering in an interview with The Huffington Post on Monday. “Have you ever talked to David Petraeus? He’s nobody’s slave. He’s a very independent guy.”

Issa, who is chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, appeared on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday along with Pickering. The congressman continued to argue that the Obama administration altered its talking points and tried to cover up the fact that top officials knew a terrorist attack had occurred in the immediate aftermath.” – THE HUFFINGTON POST

Issa has been a frequent critic of President Obama for a while now. And it’s kind of sad to watch him cling to this Benghazi thing like he’s David and he’s convinced he finally found the rock he’s going to slay Goliath with. Even though it’s probably just going to make him the butt of every late night joke for years. For their own part, President Obama and Hillary Clinton have openly dismissed the whole Benghazi thing as bullshit. And you know what? Most people seem to agree with them.

“PPP’s newest national poll finds that Republicans aren’t getting much traction with their focus on Benghazi over the last week. Voters trust Hillary Clinton over Congressional Republicans on the issue of Benghazi by a 49/39 margin and Clinton’s +8 net favorability rating at 52/44 is identical to what it was on our last national poll in late March. Meanwhile Congressional Republicans remain very unpopular with a 36/57 favorability rating…

…One interesting thing about the voters who think Benghazi is the biggest political scandal in American history is that 39% of them don’t actually know where it is. 10% think it’s in Egypt, 9% in Iran, 6% in Cuba, 5% in Syria, 4% in Iraq, and 1% each in North Korea and Liberia with 4% not willing to venture a guess.” – PUBLIC POLICY POLLING

Of course they don’t know where the fucking place is. Look at the caliber of person we’re talking about. These are people who listen to Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh and take them seriously. These are people who listen to country music by choice. These are people who looked at Mitt Romney! and said “Well, at least he ain’t the black guy”. So it doesn’t really surprise me that they’re functionally illiterate and could be easily goaded into believing a fairy tale.

But, hey, I give that 4% who wouldn’t venture a guess a lot of credit. It takes courage to admit you’re stupid. Not as much courage as educating yourself or trying to see past your own hatred of a black President so you can have rational conversations with the rest of society. But, you know, baby steps.




Fall Into the Gap

At this point in my life I’ve pretty much accepted that every time I buy shoes, rent a DVD or put gas in my car I’m killing people somewhere in the world. Seriously, you can’t even buy a fucking banana anymore without knowing that someone is getting machine-gunned to death in the jungle or being gang-raped on a bus. And what the hell am I supposed to do? I need shoes. And bananas. And poorly produced entertainment.

Well, I don’t need those things but not buying them is just the first step on a slippery slope to becoming the next Unabomber or David Koresh. So, in a very odd but quite realistic way I’m saving more lives than I’m taking. In that respect I’m basically Jesus.

“The death toll from Bangladesh’s worst industrial accident has passed 1,000 people, as recovery teams continue to find more bodies in the wreckage.
The eight-storey Rana Plaza factory building, in Dhaka, collapsed on 24 April, with an unknown number inside.
The authorities say about 2,500 people were injured in the accident and 2,437 people were rescued…
…The Rana Plaza building had housed a number of garment factories. A number of officials – including the building owner – have since been arrested and charged with causing deaths by negligence.
Protesters have taken to the streets calling for the death penalty for the owner, and garment workers have alleged that they were forced to work in the building despite cracks appearing on the walls.
Bangladesh has one of the largest garment industries in the world, and some of the clothes produced in the Rana Plaza building were made for Western retailers.” – BBC NEWS

Conservatives will probably just shrug this off as the cost of doing business. Liberals will probably want to scream at anyone wearing clothes or jewelry. Personally, I think we should bomb Bangladesh. Hanoi style. Like, with everything we have. Just fucking level the place. And then offer no explanation whatsoever. When people at the United Nations express outrage we should give them a blank stare and say “Nice shoes.” And then bomb them too. Then bill them for the cost of our munitions and our time. Seriously, someone has to pay for that shit. We’re not running a charity over here.

It is generally accepted that it’s better to be feared as opposed to being loved. Looking around the world today I’m left with the distinct impression that we’re not loved. Certainly not by people who die in the process of making pants for the obese or making sure your cell phone doesn’t have scratches on it. We might as well be feared. Although, we Americans have trouble drawing a distinction between being feared and being hated. So, we just kind of do both. That’s why America is so awesome. Everyone wins here.




I honestly have no idea what former First Lady Barbara Bush is doing in that picture. She looks like she’s either being surprised by home invaders or having an argument with Rue McClanahan. But, I can honestly say that I haven’t laughed so hard in a very long time. I mean really hard. Like, I just woke up the kids. Thanks, Barb.

“Grandma” Bush was on the TODAY SHOW recently along with former First Lady Laura and her two daughters gone wild. And while it’s hardly a leading news story right now, word is her son Jeb might run for President in 2016. It’s a topic that comes up at about 1:50. The whole thing is about 2 ½ minutes and is pretty entertaining if you have the attention span for it.

However, if Bush women reminiscing about how much they miss the White House chef and having breakfast in bed is something you think might affect your mental or physical health then you should probably just skip to the part about Jeb.

Considering that the Bush name is kind of on par with Gonorrhea I don’t think bringing it back for a trilogy is a great idea. There’s just a taint to the name even now which I’m sure George Sr. is just thrilled about in his golden years. Or maybe he doesn’t care. Who knows.

And even though one of the twins said “surprise” I’ll bet you a hundred dollars it was no surprise. I remember Barbara Bush when she was First Lady. She didn’t give a flying fuck what anyone thought then and I’m sure she doesn’t now. She’s probably said a thousand times she doesn’t think Jeb should run. The two of you are stupid and probably weren’t paying attention.

Of course then you realize that these people ran the country for eight years. And these women are still some of the most influential women in the world. And yet they remind me of that grandma, mom and teenage daughters combo at the next table in a Chili’s or a Ruby Tuesday. The mom and grandma are having a cold, dispassionate conversation while the two dingbats yap amongst themselves. There’s actually a really hot porno that starts that way.