Say What Again

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these particular pieces. I always have fun doing them and based on the feedback I get people enjoy reading them. Of course based on some of the feedback I get I’m a raging asshole so, you know, grain of salt and all that. Or is it sand? Fuck. I don’t know. It’s one of the two.

President Obama is scheduled to make a major foreign policy speech today at the National Defense University. I’m not sure if that’s a four year university or some kind of JuCo but it sounds pretty important. What follows is what I’d love for him to say. Even though if he actually did say it he’d be out of his goddamn mind. Although it would be pretty cool.


“Thank you. Thank you. Everyone go ahead and take a seat. Glad you could be here. I know it’s Memorial Day weekend and I’m sure many of you have grills and six packs ready to roll so I won’t keep you any longer than I have to. I’m here to deliver a speech on America’s foreign policy. But, everyone wants to hear me talk about drones. So, let me just get this other stuff out of the way and then I’ll come atcha’ like Cleopatra. Let’s see…

(removes a crumpled piece of paper from suit pocket)

…Afghanistan: We’re done. Go fuck yourselves. Iraq: Nobody gives a shit. Iran: Oh, I’m shaking. North Korea: Are they even still a country? Russia: Kiss my black ass. Syria: You ain’t seen nothing yet. Israel: Calm the fuck down. Egypt: Ditto. China: You’re gonna’ look pretty funny trying to eat corn on the cob with no fucking teeth. And finally, Texas: Are you still here? There. Done.

(tosses paper over shoulder)

Okay, then. Who want’s to talk about drones? Aww yeah! Lemme’ see some hands: anyone here want to go to Waziristan? How about Somalia? Iran? No, no keep ’em up so I can count. Let’s see that would be… nobody. So drones it is.

(makes buzzing sound, flaps arms like a bird)

As much as I would love to keep spending billions of dollars to chase bearded homos in caves I would have to be as retarded as my predecessor to do that in this economy. This is the future of warfare, kids. In ten years half the fucking countries on the planet are going to have these goddamn things. We’re gonna’ look pretty silly trying to send troops everywhere. 21st century in the house, folks. Aw shit.

And as for using them here at home, well, yes we’re going to do that. Until some eighth grader hijacks one out of the sky with his iPad and crashes it into his school. Then I’m sure people will get cold feet about it. And while we’re on the subject of irritating little children, the Republicans in Congress can cry and whine all they want. These are the same band of illiterate sissies who gave us the Patriot Act and turned the CIA into the fucking A Team. So Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell and Marco Rubio can go back to burning books and beating their stepkids for all I care. Fucking stooges.

Also, and I know I get a ton of shit for this, but many times innocent people are killed in these strikes. Women, children, maybe some poor jackass cleaning the pool or whatever. I don’t like it. I’m not a sociopath or an accountant. I have feelings. I have emotions. And you can tell from my gray hair that I don’t get a whole lot of sleep at night. But I also have some advice. If you know people who are terrorists you should probably stay the fuck away from them. And let’s be honest here, you know they’re terrorists. They usually have machine guns and c4 all over the house. They say  “Jihad” or “Great Satan” or “Rivers of Blood” all the time. They never get laid and they have pictures of bearded dudes everywhere. They hate the Jews. They’re always bitching about the Jews. If you know people like this then don’t go over to their house. Shit, stay out of their neighborhood altogether because I can promise you it’s like one mouse click away from becoming a fucking parking lot. Use a little common sense for Christ’s sake.

So, in closing, yes we are going to rely more on drones in the future even though we’re going to have to start being careful about where and when we use them. Iran has already stolen like eight of these damn things from us because it’s not exactly rocket science in the first place. And let’s not forget that a drone is only as smart as the person piloting it. So, maybe think about that the next time you wanna’ badmouth teachers or cut education from the budget. God bless America and have a drink on me, bitches. I’m fuckin’ outta’ here.”



  1. 1 Escobar
    June 4, 2013 at 10:14 PM

    Dude I really enjoy reading your work even After all these years.

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