Archive for June, 2013



Silvio Spaghetti Mozzarella

I’ve poked fun at former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi a few times. And it’s usually because he pretty much asks for it time and again. And, usually, again. There are a few other things old Silvio asks for on a regular basis as well. Chief among them is a prison sentence for fucking underage girls. Because for some strange reason really hot adult women are not enough. I guess when you’re obscenely wealthy and bored normal sex loses its appeal somehow. Not that I would know. I’m broke as hell and I never get a moment’s peace so there are times when even Martha Stewart or Hillary Clinton look good to me. I have no idea where I was going with that train of thought. Although I’m pretty sure it’s not jail.

“A panel of judges Monday sentenced former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi to seven years in prison for abusing power and having sex with an underage prostitute. Judges also barred the flamboyant former prime minister from holding public office.

The high-profile case centered on an exotic dancer nicknamed “Ruby the heart-stealer.”…

…Prosecutors had argued that Berlusconi had sex 13 times with underage dancer Karima el Mahroug and abused his position when he intervened in May 2010 to get her released from jail, where she was being held on charges of theft. Berlusconi, 76, has denied the charges and others against him.

“It is absurd to suggest I have paid for a rapport with a woman. It is something I have never done, not even once in my life. It is something I find degrading to my dignity,” he has said.” – CNN

First of all, that’s a bunch of the bologna. The whole reason a man seeks financial wealth is to get laid. And its no coincidence that rich guys get ass 24/7 without even ever having to leave the house. Unlike the rest of us poor schmucks who pretty much have to rely on alcohol and dishonesty to get a woman into bed. What’s more, without money this aged gargoyle couldn’t get a woman without kidnapping her. And even then, at his age, it would be a stretch. Seriously, the guy is like pushing 80. And he’s having sex with children. Guys like him are pretty much the reason jails were invented. Guns too.

Of course if I was filthy rich it’s difficult to speculate about what I would or would not do. As far as I’m concerned that’s like speculating about what I would do if I had a spaceship or a vagina. Or both. Which makes me kind of horny and terrified all at the same time. But I don’t spend too much time dwelling on it because it’s not going to happen. If I were rich, though, I’m sure I’d be a huge dick hated by society as a whole. I’d have giant dollar signs sewn onto all of my clothing and I would drive around town with a megaphone screaming insults at random people on the street. Wealthy people can do that kind of thing. Well, in all fairness, I’m dirt poor and I do that kind of thing now but if I had a lot of money it would somehow give my behavior a certain legitimacy. At least I assume it would. I don’t know. I’d be rich so, you know, I really wouldn’t give a shit what everyone thought.




I’ll start off by saying that I totally believe in aliens. And, I think they have visited this planet… at some point. I have no idea why, though. Earth is kind of like the Alabama of the Milky Way Galaxy and if I had a spaceship this is probably the last place I would visit. And as far as the U.S. Government keeping it all a secret, well, I don’t exactly credit them with an over-abundance of brains on the matter. Luckily, we have a crack military power for a neighbor. That’s right. Canada. Oh, Canada. And while it’s easy to poke fun at our Northern neighbors I give them a lot of credit for talking openly about what most of us have known for years. No, not that their beer is better than ours (shit, man, Vietnam makes better beer than America). But, that aliens are among us.

“Canada’s former minister of National Defence Paul Hellyer testified at the Citizen Hearing On Disclosure (CHD) last month in Washington D.C. that aliens are living among us and that it is likely at least two of them are working with the U.S. government.

Hellyer, whose beliefs on extraterrestrial life and UFOs are well established, made the statements at the non-governmental hearings chaired by six former U.S. congressmen and aimed at, according to the event’s website, doing “what the U.S. Congress had failed to do for forty-five years — [sic] seek out the facts surrounding the most important issue of this or any other time — [sic] evidence pointing toward an extraterrestrial presence engaging the human race.” – THE HUFFINGTON POST

I honestly wasn’t even aware that Canada had a defense minister. Or, you know, actual defense of any kind. I’m not sure what they’re defending themselves from. Shit, man, most people couldn’t find Canada on a map let alone try to invade the place. You’d have an easier time attacking Antarctica. And Canada must have a totally state-of-the-art intelligence apparatus to have access to the greatest secrets in human history. And yeah, I’m pretty much cracking up as I write this. At any rate, the video of Hellyer’s testimony can be seen below and is actually kind of worth checking out. Something about old men in suits talking frankly about aliens and UFOs gives the whole thing a kind of legitimacy. Certainly more than the goofballs they have on ANCIENT ALIENS.

Of course, as happy as I am that members of our government, albeit former ones, took the time to sit down and listen to this guy I’m also kind of irritated by it. Why doesn’t our government take this kind of time to talk about student loan debt or gun control? Or, you know, war? Because something would actually get accomplished I suppose. And then they really would have nothing to do.  To a politician, problems are more valuable than solutions.

No. They’d rather talk about aliens and act like they’re actually doing something constructive. And probably get paid obscene amounts of money for it. Which makes me think that I’m in the wrong line of work. Of course when you realize you can get paid and wield power by playing the system and avoiding any actual work, most jobs seem kind of idiotic. Except hitman or porn star. Those will always be the best jobs ever.



Bank of America

I know that I’m often accused of being crass and tasteless on this site. Well, to be honest, I’m just guessing that I am accused of those things. Whenever people speak to me and they’re not smiling or handing me a cheeseburger I tend to just stop listening. It’s a habit that has probably kept me from learning all kinds of things in life. Like how money works, for example. Of course I used to think that I didn’t need to worry about that because I had my money in a bank. And, you know, money is like their thing. Boy, did I eat a big fat moron taco with that attitude.

Being with Bank of America was, for me, like being in an abusive relationship. As I’ve said before a bank might as well walk around drunk with no shirt on swinging a bar of soap in a sock. And while I don’t want to just single out Bank of America for doing heinous, unethical and totally illegal shit… eh, fuck it. Let’s go ahead and single them out.

“Bank of America’s mortgage servicing unit systematically lied to homeowners, fraudulently denied loan modifications, and paid their staff bonuses for deliberately pushing people into foreclosure: Yes, these allegations were suspected by any homeowner who ever had to deal with the bank to try to get a loan modification – but now they come from six former employees and one contractor, whose sworn statements were added last week to a civil lawsuit filed in federal court in Massachusetts.

“Bank of America’s practice is to string homeowners along with no apparent intention of providing the permanent loan modifications it promises,” said Erika Brown, one of the former employees. The damning evidence would spur a series of criminal investigations of BofA executives, if we still had a rule of law in this country for Wall Street banks.” – SALON

Wow. I actually laughed so hard just now that oatmeal came out of my nose. And I didn’t even eat oatmeal today. A “rule of law” for banks? It would be nice if there were laws let alone rules. Oh, those crazy kids and their thievery. Shit, man, if Bank of America spent half as much time actually trying to protect your money as it did trying to steal it then they’d be like the greatest financial institution ever. They’d probably be up there with Gandhi and, you know, other famous people who did good stuff and helped people and didn’t financially sodomize them.

Still, as vomit inducing as this story is I don’t see how it’s a revelation. Anyone who has ever dealt with Bank of America is lucky they don’t have missing teeth or bruises they have to hide with makeup. Or a mysteriously pregnant underage daughter. You might as well put up a splashy headline that reads “RUPERT MURDOCH’S FATHER NEVER HUGGED HIM!” or “PAT ROBERTSON SECRETLY HACKS SACK!” or “CLARENCE THOMAS HAS THE SEXUAL SOPHISTICATION OF AN EIGHT YEAR OLD!”. Ha ha, I could do this all day. And I probably will. Anyway, talk about a page from THE NO FUCKING SHIT FILES. Hey, that’s kind of catchy now that I read it. I think I just found my next new thing. And I need one. Especially since drinking and masturbating is starting to get kind of old.



Low Five All Stars

I’ve made no illusion about my intense, almost irrational hatred of Syrian President Bashar Assad. It’s a point I’ve made time and time and time again. And as tempted as I am to make it yet again I thought I would try to talk about another aspect to the ongoing Syrian Civil War. This week President Obama, Russian President Vladimir “Westworld” Putin and a host of other world leaders are at the annual G8 Summit in Ireland. I’m actually kind of ashamed to admit that I don’t completely understand what the G8 Summit really is. Up until recently I thought it had something to do with internet connection speed. Or that it was a meeting where world leaders compare private planes. In which case America wins.

But, seeing as how it’s really a global forum aimed at increasing economic cooperation, well, not so much. Oh, we’re players. Don’t get me wrong. But in many ways America having the biggest goddamn Presidential aircraft in the world is like your out-of-work aunt or uncle still tooling around in a fucking Escalade. Thankfully, math and money don’t seem to be the main topic this year.

“Mr Putin and Mr Obama met for about two hours on the sidelines of the summit.

Correspondents say that both leaders looked tense as they addressed journalists afterwards, with the Russian president regularly looking at the floor.

Mr Putin said: “Our positions do not fully coincide, but we are united by the common intention to end the violence, to stop the number of victims increasing in Syria, to resolve the problems by peaceful means, including the Geneva talks.”

Mr Obama said the two leaders had instructed their teams to press ahead with trying to organise the peace conference in Switzerland.” – BBC NEWS

What the hell does this even mean? My Fruit Loops Born Again aunt and I have positions that “do not fully coincide”. And, sure, we’re united by the “common intention” to breathe oxygen and drink water. And I can tell you that relationship ain’t going anywhere. Likewise I think it’s pretty clear that Obama and Putin would rather drink their own urine than cooperate on anything. And considering that Assad’s regime has been a pretty reliable meal ticket for old Puters I don’t see him turning his back on him anytime soon.

“Neither the rebels nor the Syrian government have yet fully committed to the proposed Geneva talks, which would seek to end more than two years of unrest that has left an estimated 93,000 people dead.

Mr Obama and Mr Putin did say that they had agreed to meet in Moscow in September.

The White House also announced that Mr Obama would tell the other G8 leaders that the US would provide another $300m (£190m) in aid for refugees inside and outside Syria.” – BBC NEWS

Yeah. Sure. Just get out the goddamn checkbook. Don’t worry about what $300 million dollars could do in America. And I admit it’s probably not much but scratch is still scratch in my book. And it’s a pretty awesome book. I’m constantly amazed by how our government gets its obese child underpants in a twist every time it comes to social spending. But, shit, when it comes to forking over obscene amounts of money to other countries who don’t even like us we don’t bat a fucking eyelash.

I may not understand economics but I do understand basic math. We could spend $300 million to give the Syrian people a band aid or we could spend like $2 million to just blow Bashar Assad off the face of the earth with a cruise missile. And if the world got all upset with us we could just shrug and pretend not to know what they’re talking about. Like I do when the words “SISTER FUCKING HILLBILLY” somehow get spray painted onto my neighbor’s pickup truck.

And agreeing to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow is like 007 going to spend a weekend at Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s condo. This fucking guy used to kill people and make them disappear for a living. Obama could just stay at the White House and have the Secret Service put poison in his food and bombs under his limo all weekend. Shit, man, it would be cheaper and I’m fairly certain the end result would be the same.




I’ve always had a fascination with old Soviet/Russian engineering disasters and projects which are quite clearly going to be disasters. I really don’t know why. But sometimes, just sometimes, other countries come along and vie for the coveted top slot in the Magnus Greel Hierarchy of Human Idiocy. And yeah, that’s a real thing. Today it’s China. And boy oh boy do they have an offering for us that I bet will just put Chernobyl to shame when the whole thing goes wrong. And it’s totally going to.

“When it is completed, it will be one of the world’s biggest feats of engineering. China’s South-North Water Diversion Project, initially a vision of Mao’s, will take water from the south of the country to the arid northern region, including the capital Beijing, which suffers from water shortages.

The ambitious project has been under construction since 2002 and it is expected to take almost 50 years for all sections to be complete. It aims to pump almost 45 billion cubic metres of water a year to the north, equivalent to the water flow in the Yellow River in northern China. The water will be pumped from the Yangtze river and its basin” – The Guardian

Good. That’s very good. Don’t encourage people to, you know, live where the goddamn water is. Let’s bring the fucking water to them with miles and miles of pipe, unnatural irrigation and defiance of physics. What the hell. People who live in Siberia don’t get a lot of sun. Maybe we could build an artificial one for them. Or, you know, there’s millions of people in Afghanistan who don’t eat fish because they’re totally landlocked. Why don’t we just build them their own goddamn ocean? No, that’s okay guys. Don’t bother living according to any sort of logic or common sense. Just go right on doing whatever the hell you want wherever the hell you are. We’ll just move heaven and earth, literally, to cater to your lazy asses.

While the dominant narrative is that the world will one day be at war over oil, most scientists quietly acknowledge that fresh water is where the conflicts are going to arise. And as much as we’d like to we just can’t drink seawater even though it covers most of the planet. Which is pretty cruel if you ask me. That’s like wallpapering an obese man’s house with pizza topped with Anthrax. But I digress. Sort of. Most of us here in America like to think that these problems are far away in another country or magic land spoken of only in myth. However, it’s a lot closer than we would probably choose to recognize.

“California could be headed for a drought if Mother Nature doesn’t help it out soon, experts say.

“We are having our third driest year on record for San Diego,” said Helix Water District Director of Engineering Jim Tomasulo. San Diego gets most of its water from the Colorado River, which is only at half its normal levels. It also gets some from the snow in the Sierra Nevada.

However, right now, there is literally no snow in two-thirds of the mountains. If California doesn’t get some free rain or snow by next year, the state could return to emergency water restrictions.” – ABC

Yeah. Or, maybe people could stop living in a fucking desert expecting water to be brought to them like a bunch of Little Lord Fauntleroys or something. That’s one of the reasons the wife and I moved to Northern California. It’s where the water is. And, I might add, where the crushing urban sprawl and toxic air quality isn’t. There are also fewer stray bullets flying around and the homeless say hello before publicly urinating in front of your building. Yeah. It’s a real slice of heaven up here.




Gender Equality

I was going to post this last week but my free time just got away from me. Which happens a lot when you’re a stay-at-home parent. Which is all Kool and The Gang. I like doing what I do. When it comes to my boys I’m the best childcare money can buy. Well, that would imply that I get paid for this. Which I don’t. Even though I should. And, yes, I am aware that women have been making this point for years. But, now I’m making it so from my perspective it’s kind of official.

One of the bigger stories of the past week or two, government spying and conservative paranoia (and also spying) aside, is the revelation that women are the main or sole breadwinners now in some 40% of American households. “Breadwinner” is a term I’ve never been in love with especially since I got off wheat. “Beer and Bongload winner” is a lot cooler and, to be honest, I think more relevant for most of us. At any rate this finding touched off a firestorm of controversy with (hold your breath) social conservatives decrying this as the end of our civilization and the destruction of America and the annihilation of Jupiter and… whatever. And apparently working moms aren’t winning any popularity contests with the country as a whole.

“The Pew Research Center made headlines this week, with the release of a report showing that mothers are now breadwinners in fully 40% of American homes. The finding set off a storm of excited debate, even though, in truth, the “new” statistic wasn’t in any sense news: the proportion of breadwinner moms — women who earn as much or more than their partners or are single mothers providing the sole income for their families — actually crossed the 40% threshold back in 2010, as Heather Boushey and Sarah Jane Glynn of the Center for American Progress have previously reported.

What was notable — and surprising and more than a bit disheartening, on its face — was some new information about what Americans seem to feel about all those hard-striving, moneymaking mothers. Researchers Wendy Wang, Kim Parker and Paul Taylor found that a majority of people appear to disapprove of them: 74% of adults say that the increasing number of mothers working for pay has made it harder to raise children, and 51% agree that children are better off if their mother is home and doesn’t hold a job.” – TIME

Also, 51% is the same number of Americans who think Elvis is still alive, that raping a virgin teenager cures AIDS and that space travel is angering the gods. So I take this all very lightly. And the fact that I take it at all is kind of my way of meeting society halfway. As with judges and police officers I’m pretty much doing them a favor just by pretending to listen. Truth is I don’t really give a yak fart what society thinks about anything. I’m not a politician (well, not in any real sense of the word) so I don’t live my day-to-day life according to what some jackass thinks. And if you take a call from an 800 number and answer personal questions asked by a complete stranger then you are pretty much a jackass.

I was raised by a working mother. My wife is a working mother. Which I think is misleading because I can goddamn guarantee you I’m not sitting home jacking off and watching soaps all day. Parenting is hard fucking work. There are days when I am taking care of my kids where I can literally see my life passing by. But, that’s all good in the ‘hood. I’m a dad. I chose my path and if Jesus or whoever has some problem with it they can come tell me to my face. And therein lies another misconception: that men who stay home to raise kids have somehow become “soft” or “feminine”. And I’m sure there’s all kinds of statistics and social research that goes along with that belief. That’s great. You can tell me all about it as I’m beating the living shit out of you.