Low Five All Stars

I’ve made no illusion about my intense, almost irrational hatred of Syrian President Bashar Assad. It’s a point I’ve made time and time and time again. And as tempted as I am to make it yet again I thought I would try to talk about another aspect to the ongoing Syrian Civil War. This week President Obama, Russian President Vladimir “Westworld” Putin and a host of other world leaders are at the annual G8 Summit in Ireland. I’m actually kind of ashamed to admit that I don’t completely understand what the G8 Summit really is. Up until recently I thought it had something to do with internet connection speed. Or that it was a meeting where world leaders compare private planes. In which case America wins.

But, seeing as how it’s really a global forum aimed at increasing economic cooperation, well, not so much. Oh, we’re players. Don’t get me wrong. But in many ways America having the biggest goddamn Presidential aircraft in the world is like your out-of-work aunt or uncle still tooling around in a fucking Escalade. Thankfully, math and money don’t seem to be the main topic this year.

“Mr Putin and Mr Obama met for about two hours on the sidelines of the summit.

Correspondents say that both leaders looked tense as they addressed journalists afterwards, with the Russian president regularly looking at the floor.

Mr Putin said: “Our positions do not fully coincide, but we are united by the common intention to end the violence, to stop the number of victims increasing in Syria, to resolve the problems by peaceful means, including the Geneva talks.”

Mr Obama said the two leaders had instructed their teams to press ahead with trying to organise the peace conference in Switzerland.” – BBC NEWS

What the hell does this even mean? My Fruit Loops Born Again aunt and I have positions that “do not fully coincide”. And, sure, we’re united by the “common intention” to breathe oxygen and drink water. And I can tell you that relationship ain’t going anywhere. Likewise I think it’s pretty clear that Obama and Putin would rather drink their own urine than cooperate on anything. And considering that Assad’s regime has been a pretty reliable meal ticket for old Puters I don’t see him turning his back on him anytime soon.

“Neither the rebels nor the Syrian government have yet fully committed to the proposed Geneva talks, which would seek to end more than two years of unrest that has left an estimated 93,000 people dead.

Mr Obama and Mr Putin did say that they had agreed to meet in Moscow in September.

The White House also announced that Mr Obama would tell the other G8 leaders that the US would provide another $300m (£190m) in aid for refugees inside and outside Syria.” – BBC NEWS

Yeah. Sure. Just get out the goddamn checkbook. Don’t worry about what $300 million dollars could do in America. And I admit it’s probably not much but scratch is still scratch in my book. And it’s a pretty awesome book. I’m constantly amazed by how our government gets its obese child underpants in a twist every time it comes to social spending. But, shit, when it comes to forking over obscene amounts of money to other countries who don’t even like us we don’t bat a fucking eyelash.

I may not understand economics but I do understand basic math. We could spend $300 million to give the Syrian people a band aid or we could spend like $2 million to just blow Bashar Assad off the face of the earth with a cruise missile. And if the world got all upset with us we could just shrug and pretend not to know what they’re talking about. Like I do when the words “SISTER FUCKING HILLBILLY” somehow get spray painted onto my neighbor’s pickup truck.

And agreeing to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow is like 007 going to spend a weekend at Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s condo. This fucking guy used to kill people and make them disappear for a living. Obama could just stay at the White House and have the Secret Service put poison in his food and bombs under his limo all weekend. Shit, man, it would be cheaper and I’m fairly certain the end result would be the same.


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