Bank of America

I know that I’m often accused of being crass and tasteless on this site. Well, to be honest, I’m just guessing that I am accused of those things. Whenever people speak to me and they’re not smiling or handing me a cheeseburger I tend to just stop listening. It’s a habit that has probably kept me from learning all kinds of things in life. Like how money works, for example. Of course I used to think that I didn’t need to worry about that because I had my money in a bank. And, you know, money is like their thing. Boy, did I eat a big fat moron taco with that attitude.

Being with Bank of America was, for me, like being in an abusive relationship. As I’ve said before a bank might as well walk around drunk with no shirt on swinging a bar of soap in a sock. And while I don’t want to just single out Bank of America for doing heinous, unethical and totally illegal shit… eh, fuck it. Let’s go ahead and single them out.

“Bank of America’s mortgage servicing unit systematically lied to homeowners, fraudulently denied loan modifications, and paid their staff bonuses for deliberately pushing people into foreclosure: Yes, these allegations were suspected by any homeowner who ever had to deal with the bank to try to get a loan modification – but now they come from six former employees and one contractor, whose sworn statements were added last week to a civil lawsuit filed in federal court in Massachusetts.

“Bank of America’s practice is to string homeowners along with no apparent intention of providing the permanent loan modifications it promises,” said Erika Brown, one of the former employees. The damning evidence would spur a series of criminal investigations of BofA executives, if we still had a rule of law in this country for Wall Street banks.” – SALON

Wow. I actually laughed so hard just now that oatmeal came out of my nose. And I didn’t even eat oatmeal today. A “rule of law” for banks? It would be nice if there were laws let alone rules. Oh, those crazy kids and their thievery. Shit, man, if Bank of America spent half as much time actually trying to protect your money as it did trying to steal it then they’d be like the greatest financial institution ever. They’d probably be up there with Gandhi and, you know, other famous people who did good stuff and helped people and didn’t financially sodomize them.

Still, as vomit inducing as this story is I don’t see how it’s a revelation. Anyone who has ever dealt with Bank of America is lucky they don’t have missing teeth or bruises they have to hide with makeup. Or a mysteriously pregnant underage daughter. You might as well put up a splashy headline that reads “RUPERT MURDOCH’S FATHER NEVER HUGGED HIM!” or “PAT ROBERTSON SECRETLY HACKS SACK!” or “CLARENCE THOMAS HAS THE SEXUAL SOPHISTICATION OF AN EIGHT YEAR OLD!”. Ha ha, I could do this all day. And I probably will. Anyway, talk about a page from THE NO FUCKING SHIT FILES. Hey, that’s kind of catchy now that I read it. I think I just found my next new thing. And I need one. Especially since drinking and masturbating is starting to get kind of old.



    June 20, 2013 at 2:49 AM

    Man, I get emails of your blog now. I was stoked to see you write the past two articles. I was hoping to see a write up about the former canadian minister of defense and his talk about Alien Species living among us.

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