Archive for July, 2013

22
Jul
13

JOHN BOEHNER IS WORKING HARD FOR YOU

John Boehner

I’ve been finding it hard to get motivated lately. It’s probably because it’s summer and summer is for outside stuff and sleeping. Well, not that I get to actually do that. I take care of my kids all day which means that I’m up at the crack of dawn to the sound of two young boys fighting over AVENGERS action figures. That pretty much sets the tone for the rest of my day. Nevertheless, a few of you have taken to emailing me about my sporadic posting. I honestly enjoy interacting with people who read this site. Well, those of you who speak English and aren’t threatening or vilifying me. Not that I mind. It’s very entertaining in a cute, “those people are crazy” kind of way.

But, if there is one person you would think would be busy all goddamn year long it would be the Speaker of The House Of Representatives. Because you know, he kind of runs the United States Congress. Which itself should be a busy place. Like, O’Hare Airport or LA County Criminal Court busy.

“Should Congress be passing any laws? House Speaker John Boehner doesn’t think so.

Asked whether Congress has been “historically unproductive” under his leadership, the Ohio Republican declared the idea “total nonsense.”

“Now listen, we made clear when we took over, that we weren’t going to be doing commemorative legislation on the floor,” he said. “Most Americans think we have too many laws. And what they want us to do is repeal more of those.” – MSNBC

This is one of those things that sounds like it should be true. This is, after all, America and holy shit do we hate rules here. We even have a constitutional right to own weaponry which was, at least initially, intended to protect us from anyone telling us what to do. But, like the idea of me being a sex symbol or a cult leader with millions of unquestioning followers, it might sound logical but in reality it’s just a bunch of crazy bullshit. It’s like saying “Should plumbers be fixing more toilets? No, says this plumber who is broke and his business is failing.” And it appears I’m not the only one who feels this way.

“In polls, Americans disagree: poor productivity is a key reason they disapprove of Congress. A June Gallup poll found that ‘ineffectiveness’ and ‘partisan gridlock’ was the reason 59% of Americans disapprove of Congress’ job. Just 19% of respondents in the survey said Congress’ performance on certain issues was why they disapproved.

By the numbers, Congress really is quite unproductive: the 112th Congress, which ended in December, passed just 219 bills—the lowest number in decades.  In comparison, the 111th Congress passed 383, while the 110th passed 460.

Just 18 bills have become law this year—even fewer than the 23 bills that had become law by this time in the 112th Congress. This week, the House of Representatives voted for the 38th time to roll back aspects of Obamacare.”

While I have every respect for persistent people (well, not really because persistent people are fucking annoying and I usually just end up ignoring them) repeating the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome is a sign that you have a mental illness. Or that you’re one of those spinning pinwheels on a Mac. And it doesn’t take a whole lot of effort to just disagree with people who are accusing you of being useless. I do it all the time. Whenever my wife comes home and the kids are still running around in their pajamas and I’m playing Xbox in my underwear she accuses me of being lazy or unproductive. And while I would strongly disagree with what is clearly a misconception on her part it doesn’t really get me out of trouble. Likewise, Mr. Boehn can spin his failure anyway he wants. He could at least come up with an entertaining excuse for it. Like, he could say this Congress hasn’t passed very many bills because they’ve been busy fighting aliens or solving mysteries or something. A little creativity can work wonders. I actually write that in the memo column of every check I write.

08
Jul
13

HORNY AND DISHONEST POLITICIANS ARE TIRED OF YOUR CRAP

Spit Take

I’ve never really understood the public outrage when an elected official gets caught screwing hookers. That’s kind of in the job description. In fact any politician who dutifully goes home to his family every night and doesn’t party like a rock star would, in my mind, seem unfit for office. But, I digress. Sort of. If it seems like it was only yesterday that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned in disgrace for banging prostitutes you’d be wrong. It was five years ago. Which in political years is like a half century. It’s even more than that in public memory years, apparently, because now he’s running for office again. And people seem kind of excited. Which kind of makes me angry because when I fuck up nobody ever lets me forget it.

“Eliot Spitzer, the hard-charging former New York Governor and onetime “Sheriff of Wall Street,” who resigned five years ago in a spectacular fall from grace following a prostitution scandal, is returning to New York politics. Spitzer, a Democrat who called himself a “steamroller” for his aggressive brand of political combat, said Sunday that he’s running for New York City comptroller, an important but under-appreciated city office that presides over the management of $140 billion in city pension funds. In this role, Spitzer, 54, could exert considerable influence over New York City’s financial health…

…Spitzer’s quest for political redemption following a messy sex scandal mirrors that of New York mayoral contender Anthony D. Weiner, the married former U.S. congressman from New York who resigned after sending lewd photos to a number of other women. The political fate of both Weiner and Spitzer will test the appetite of New York voters to forgive fallen politicians. “I’m hopeful there will be forgiveness, I am asking for it,” Spitzer told the Times Sunday evening.” – TIME

Weiner, for those of you who don’t know or have already forgotten, is the former New York Congressman who’s retarded understanding of Twitter resulted in him showing the entire world a picture of his dick. And what happened to him? Oh, you know, he’s on his way to becoming the mayor of fucking New York.

“Speaking at a Muslims for Peace event in Queens, Weiner — the only Jewish candidate in the mayoral race — lamented that other cities aren’t as tolerant as New York.

“You know, I’m Jewish, married to a Muslim woman. Sometimes you can think, ‘You know what? Every place is like New York,’” he said. “But today as we stand here, someone is being discriminated against because they share your faith, or they share my faith.”

Although Weiner has candidly discussed the difficulties in repairing his marriage after a sexting scandal forced him to resign from Congress two years ago, he has shied away from publicly discussing his notoriously private wife, particularly their different religions. But Weiner’s wife, longtime Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin, has quietly been playing a larger role in her husband’s campaign.

She hosted a Women for Anthony fund-raiser last week, then followed it up with an email plea to 100 of her closest pals asking for campaign donations.” – NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Are you fucking kidding me? Women for Anthony? That would be like me hosting a Mullets for Magnus event in the hopes of making it seem like every backwoods retard and blithering hayseed had somehow come to see me in a positive light. And seriously, dude, do you really have to go out of your way to marry someone who is the complete opposite just to prove a fucking point? Of course given that you actually thought you were turning another woman on by showing her your dork over the internet goes to show you have a sincere lack of common sense to begin with.

If I married a fundamentalist Christian hedge fund manager from Alabama and then emailed pictures of my penis to college girls I’d end up in jail. Everyone I know would hate me. Strangers would throw rocks at me. The Post Office would refuse to deliver my mail. My life would be over. Unless I was a public official in which case it would just be another stepping stone on the pathway to a fabulously successful career. You know what? I’m on my local school board. I’m going to go fucking apeshit. I’m going to run drunk and naked through the streets screaming racial epithets. Maybe crash my car into a church daycare. Grope a blind woman and then rob her. Shit, in like two years I’ll be a goddamn U.S. Senator.

05
Jul
13

REVOLUTION IS MY NAME

The Revolution

I have always maintained that there is more to learn from a bad movie than a good one. Same with literature, television and porn. Teachers. Cab drivers. Cops. Judges. Employers. Sex partners. Parents. Doctors. Concepts. Farts. Jokes. People who make pizza. Other people in general. Pretty much everyone and everything in life. If it’s awesome, well, it’s awesome. There’s really nothing more to think about. And the only thing you’ll ever remember in the end is that it was awesome. When something sucks, on the other hand, you’ll always remember it. You’ll always think about it and learn from it. Unless you’re a jackass or something.

There’s a scene in the movie UNDER SIEGE, shortly after Tommy Lee Jones hijacks a nuclear armed battleship, which has always stuck in my mind. The military is trying to negotiate with him and he starts babbling about injustice and topsoil. One of the negotiators, suspecting he is just a fucking hippie grown old, tells him that if his actions are about reliving the 1960’s he can forget it and goes on to say that “The movement is dead”. Without missing a beat Tommy Lee Jones agrees. The movement is dead. Hence the name. Movement. It moves a certain distance and then it stops.

Unlike a revolution which gets its name from always coming back around. In your face.

Today, those of us in America celebrate a revolution. Not a movement. A revolution. And while we’re not fighting the British anymore (shit, we’re practically kissing cousins at this point) it doesn’t mean that what happened 237 years ago was the end of the revolution. We’ve traded redcoats and mentally ill royalty for shitty jobs, debt and corporate rule. We’re probably as placid and lethargic now as those colonists were almost two-and-a-half-centuries ago. Until they got pissed. And I mean really pissed. Then there was blood and mayhem and revolution. And until we get that pissed again, well, I guess we’ll get everything we deserve. Maybe one day we’ll put down the beer and the burgers and the fireworks and actually keep the revolution going.

Meanwhile, the revolution continues elsewhere in the world. In places like Egypt, Syria, Iran, Russia, Libya, Sudan and Texas. People are fighting with their hearts and getting killed for it. Or jailed. Or tortured. Or made fun of by Rick Perry. And while it’s easy to look down on them because it’s not America I can’t help but think that, while America truly has something to celebrate on July 4th, maybe we still haven’t gotten it right. Maybe this isn’t a good movie yet.

Maybe we should stop celebrating the movement and keep the revolution going.

03
Jul
13

RICK SANTORUM IS GOING TO MAKE MOVIES NOW

Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum has always been an anomaly to me, and not just because he’s a batshit crazy wingnut. I’ve always found it fascinating how a man so obsessed with family values could have such a fragile mask of sanity which is so obviously about to slide off. Seriously, man, this guy is one Judas Priest song away from making a sofa out of his wife’s flesh and building an altar out of hitchhiker skulls. In all reality, though, I don’t think old Dick really believes half the shit he says or preaches. Like most serial killers the guy is ultimately just a fucking con artist who has made a career (and a small fortune) playing to the beliefs of the lowest rung on the ladder of American society. In another time and place he would be selling flat earth maps or drowning young girls to determine if they’re witches. As it turns out he’s doing the modern equivalent.

“Rick Santorum has picked up a new career. The 55-year-old politician is now the CEO of Echolight Studios, a faith-based film company.

Santorum announced the move on Mike Huckabee’s Fox News program, “The Huckabee Show.” “This is the right place and right time, and I’ve jumped in with both feet,” the former GOP Presidential candidate said. “I often say that culture is upstream from politics, and I know entertainment also can be strength and light for people who want to be uplifted and reinforced in their values.”

EchoLight Studios, which has released various family films with a focus on faith, has a new movie, “The Redemption of Henry Myers,” set for a theatrical release this fall.

“Many of you have heard me talk about that if we are going to make a positive impact on our country’s cultural challenges, we have to do it by reaching the masses often through entertainment,” Santorum said in a release. “For too long, Hollywood has had a lock on influencing the youth of this country with a flawed message that goes against our values. Now, we can change that.” – THE HUFFINGTON POST

No, Rick, you can’t change that. “Faith Based” shit has a distinct odor of suck to it that one can see coming a mile away. Like Christian Rock or anything with Kirk Cameron in it you see it or hear it and pretty much just turn it off. Even Christians, for the most part, would rather listen to Black Sabbath or watch BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. You can dress up “Faith Based” entertainment in all the sexy dresses and expensive makeup you want. It’s still going to be a fat teenage girl who eats too much fast food and has body odor like a rotting seal corpse.

And what in the hell is THE HUCKABEE SHOW? I just picture a live camera feed from a basement somewhere with Mike Huckabee whistling DIXIE whilst strangling Latinos with a Confederate Flag. Or trying to. He’s kind of a small man, actually. In every sense of the word. But, hey, the whites like him. Well, some of the whites. I mean I’m white but I pretty much just ignore him altogether. Well, when I say “ignore” I really mean “regularly watch him on TV with the sound off making monkey and bird noises”. Just like when I’m in traffic court or on the phone with the student loan people.