08
Jul
13

HORNY AND DISHONEST POLITICIANS ARE TIRED OF YOUR CRAP

Spit Take

I’ve never really understood the public outrage when an elected official gets caught screwing hookers. That’s kind of in the job description. In fact any politician who dutifully goes home to his family every night and doesn’t party like a rock star would, in my mind, seem unfit for office. But, I digress. Sort of. If it seems like it was only yesterday that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned in disgrace for banging prostitutes you’d be wrong. It was five years ago. Which in political years is like a half century. It’s even more than that in public memory years, apparently, because now he’s running for office again. And people seem kind of excited. Which kind of makes me angry because when I fuck up nobody ever lets me forget it.

“Eliot Spitzer, the hard-charging former New York Governor and onetime “Sheriff of Wall Street,” who resigned five years ago in a spectacular fall from grace following a prostitution scandal, is returning to New York politics. Spitzer, a Democrat who called himself a “steamroller” for his aggressive brand of political combat, said Sunday that he’s running for New York City comptroller, an important but under-appreciated city office that presides over the management of $140 billion in city pension funds. In this role, Spitzer, 54, could exert considerable influence over New York City’s financial health…

…Spitzer’s quest for political redemption following a messy sex scandal mirrors that of New York mayoral contender Anthony D. Weiner, the married former U.S. congressman from New York who resigned after sending lewd photos to a number of other women. The political fate of both Weiner and Spitzer will test the appetite of New York voters to forgive fallen politicians. “I’m hopeful there will be forgiveness, I am asking for it,” Spitzer told the Times Sunday evening.” – TIME

Weiner, for those of you who don’t know or have already forgotten, is the former New York Congressman who’s retarded understanding of Twitter resulted in him showing the entire world a picture of his dick. And what happened to him? Oh, you know, he’s on his way to becoming the mayor of fucking New York.

“Speaking at a Muslims for Peace event in Queens, Weiner — the only Jewish candidate in the mayoral race — lamented that other cities aren’t as tolerant as New York.

“You know, I’m Jewish, married to a Muslim woman. Sometimes you can think, ‘You know what? Every place is like New York,’” he said. “But today as we stand here, someone is being discriminated against because they share your faith, or they share my faith.”

Although Weiner has candidly discussed the difficulties in repairing his marriage after a sexting scandal forced him to resign from Congress two years ago, he has shied away from publicly discussing his notoriously private wife, particularly their different religions. But Weiner’s wife, longtime Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin, has quietly been playing a larger role in her husband’s campaign.

She hosted a Women for Anthony fund-raiser last week, then followed it up with an email plea to 100 of her closest pals asking for campaign donations.” – NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Are you fucking kidding me? Women for Anthony? That would be like me hosting a Mullets for Magnus event in the hopes of making it seem like every backwoods retard and blithering hayseed had somehow come to see me in a positive light. And seriously, dude, do you really have to go out of your way to marry someone who is the complete opposite just to prove a fucking point? Of course given that you actually thought you were turning another woman on by showing her your dork over the internet goes to show you have a sincere lack of common sense to begin with.

If I married a fundamentalist Christian hedge fund manager from Alabama and then emailed pictures of my penis to college girls I’d end up in jail. Everyone I know would hate me. Strangers would throw rocks at me. The Post Office would refuse to deliver my mail. My life would be over. Unless I was a public official in which case it would just be another stepping stone on the pathway to a fabulously successful career. You know what? I’m on my local school board. I’m going to go fucking apeshit. I’m going to run drunk and naked through the streets screaming racial epithets. Maybe crash my car into a church daycare. Grope a blind woman and then rob her. Shit, in like two years I’ll be a goddamn U.S. Senator.

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