Archive for August, 2013

22
Aug
13

JOE BIDEN: SO NEAR YET SO FAR

Joe Joe The Dancer

PARTY AND IDEOLOGICAL AFFILIATION

Democrat, Pragmatic Liberal, Self-Tanner

FUCKABILITY

Biden looks good for a man his age. Even though he doesn’t have much hair and has slightly uneven eyes and perhaps one of the most unlikable personalities in politics, I give him mad credit for looking sharp. I think he must own stock in Men’s Wearhouse because for being one of the least wealthy Senators in Washington the guy is always wearing a killer suit. Also, I’ve never met him but somehow I know he wears aftershave with a little ship on the bottle. It’s like I can smell it through the television. And whereas that would be obnoxious with most people, it works for Joe.

WEALTH

As I mentioned, Biden has long held the record for being one of the least wealthy people in Washington. But, when you’re talking about a career U.S. Senator/Vice President that’s pretty relative. I’m sure he’s doing just fine financially compared to the rest of us. As for campaign cash, well, he has a very big problem should he decide to run. He’s a longtime friend and ally of the Clintons and should Hillary run they’ll have to fight over the same donors. And let’s face it, those people are going to give their money to Hillary because they’re probably frightened of her and/or want to sleep with Bill.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

Biden is a loyal Democrat and pretty reliable at towing the party line. But, I think that’s just because he likes to argue and fight. To be honest I think the guy would advocate human sacrifice and sun worship if it was what got him where he wanted to go. His delight in pissing off Republicans is also infectious and has a way of riling up the Democratic base.

ACTING ABILITY

Biden is like a big time movie star who doesn’t really act, he just plays himself. And that self, unfortunately, is crass and obnoxious. He gives a decent speech but in just about any situation where he doesn’t have a script he has a tendency to be over-the-top, offensive or just downright bizarre. Which is cool. I like bizarre… when I’m watching a David Lynch film or checking out porn sites from Ecuador. But when I’m considering someone for the next leader of the free world, eh, not so much. That would be like casting Jack Nicholson or Al Pacino as Abe Lincoln.

THE WHORE SCORE

At this point in his life and career I’m convinced Biden would dig up Mother Theresa and have sex with her corpse if there was even the slightest chance that would somehow win him the Presidency. Christ knows he’s been trying for like 30+ years for the top job but just somehow keeps fucking it up. Shamelessly pandering to voters comes quite naturally for him and on this score he’ll be a tough competitor. And I suspect he’ll draw large crowds wherever he goes. Not that most of those people will end up voting for him. It’s just human nature to go out of one’s way to see a train wreck.

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15
Aug
13

RAND PAUL: DADDY’S LITTLE BIG BOY

Randy Pauly

PARTY AND IDEOLOGICAL AFFILIATION

Republican. Libertarian. Former hydrated Buddhist.

FUCKABILITY

Rand Paul does have a nice head of hair. The way it kind of curls and hangs over his brow quickly brings to mind visions of the main character in a melodrama from the silent era. Or maybe even the Scarlett Pimpernel. Paul’s shitty grin can be charming even when he’s not making any sense whatsoever. But, hey, there is a case to be made that vacuous people are sexy. Look for him to resonate especially well with obese conservative housewives and closeted gay religious leaders in small Southern towns nobody has ever heard of.

WEALTH

Paul is a doctor. So is his father, Ron. So it’s safe to assume they’re rolling in some lower-upper class dough at home. He and his father are both Republicans which means they pretty much have a line of credit with corporations and the super wealthy. Both Pauls are masters at publicly casting suspicion on the power of big business while also taking their money and quietly serving their interests. Money probably won’t be a problem for Rand in a primary campaign unless he tweets pictures of his junk to the world or gets caught hating on poor people at a fundraiser. And even then, that’s not necessarily a game-changer.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

Rand and his father are both Libertarians, which is basically the conservative version of an Anarchist. They want almost no government or police or firemen or postal workers or immigrants in America whatsoever. They live cloistered in their homes surrounded by weapons and copies of THE TURNER DIARIES ironically convinced that America has become a place where you can’t surround yourself with weapons or copies of THE TURNER DIARIES. Should he decide to run look for him to make unprecedented use of words like “drone”, “surveillance”, “liberty”, “black helicopters” and of course “Nazi Germany”. I actually plan on making a drinking game out of it.

ACTING ABILITY

I give Paul high marks on this one. Way more than his old man who actually just reminds me of a guy in a nursing home with persistent bowel problems. Like most right wing politicians I don’t think he actually believes most of the crap he espouses. He just knows his audience. A century ago he and his father would have been crisscrossing the Plain States in a covered wagon selling grain alcohol as a medicinal tonic. And they would have made a fortune. Rand especially has the gift of what I like to call intellectual hypnosis. This basically means he can tell you completely retarded shit like that global warming is a hoax or that the planet is only 10,000 years old and even though you know better one look into those eyes and you just throw your hands in the air and shout “hallelujah!”

THE WHORE SCORE

Unfortunately, this is where Rand starts to fall short. While the speeches he gives and the op-ed pieces he writes are particularly effective at getting your crazy uncle who lives in the woods all riled up, the guy looks stiff and uncomfortable in almost every social situation I’ve seen him in. If he tries to throw out a pitch at a ball game or bowl a few frames with potential voters he’s going to end up looking awkward and spastic like an early Jerry Lewis. And there’s always this distinct sense about him that going to community barbecues or hanging out in local eateries is somehow beneath him. Way beneath him. But if he wants the big prize it means doing the little stuff. So my advice, Rand, is to buy some bowling shoes and learn to shout “hey lady!” in the most annoying voice you can muster.

14
Aug
13

THE RACE FOR 2016 IS UNDERWAY

2016 Presidential Race

I’ve been off enjoying the summer these last few weeks. Well, to be perfectly candid, I’ve been enjoying the summer and trying to take care of a pregnant wife. And pregnant women pretty much get what they want when they want it. They’re like society’s ultimate trump card. Nobody fucks with them. A pregnant woman could run naked down the street screaming obscenities and firing an Uzi in the air. Nobody would even think about trying to stop her. And that imagery is strangely erotic to me now that I think about it. At any rate, it’s why I truly believe that every diplomat America sends abroad should be a woman like 6 to 8 months pregnant. Nobody would ever screw with us again.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way let’s get down to business. Or brass tacks, whatever the hell those are. The 2016 Presidential election may be a few years away yet but we live in an era of constant, round-the-clock campaigning in America. Obama’s second term isn’t even a year old but increasingly the lead stories in the news are about the next election. And orgies. At least that’s the case in the kind of media I follow. Anyway, because I had so much fun doing this two years ago I thought that I would do it again. Of course last time around there was an incumbent and only the Republicans had a primary. 2016 will be another one of those double-barreled election years where everyone and their uncle will be climbing over each other to reach the Oval Office. Which means I’ll have twice as much material to work with. To get an idea of how this will go down you can check out the posts I did for the last election here, here, here, here, here, here, and here.¬†Or you can skip it and play video games. I wouldn’t blame you. Nobody reads anymore. Hell, I’m not even reading this as I’m writing it. I’m actually jerking off with one hand and just randomly hitting keys with the other.

Last time I handicapped the candidates based on three criteria: Their chances of winning the nomination, their chances of defeating Obama and the Retard Index. But, I thought this time around I would expand the categories on which I evaluate these people. If nothing else it gives me more opportunities to be crude and offensive.

FUCKABILITY

Let’s face it, ugly people almost never go into politics. Well, they do. But they usually don’t get too far. A candidate’s physical appearance is key to their success especially in the modern media age. And it goes without saying that if I wouldn’t sleep with you I probably won’t even listen to what you have to say. This is why so many teachers, judges and employers have had to tell me things like a 100 times. Get a fucking haircut or put on some lipstick. Make an effort.

WEALTH

Money makes the world go around. It also makes politics go around too. A candidate’s personal wealth, and their access to other people’s money, is a critical factor for winning. But, as Mitt Romney! demonstrated it can also be a political liability. Money can make you out of touch with reality or make your loyalties seem suspect. Or it can just make you look and sound like a dick.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

In the general election the idea is to reach out to the average person (sort of) and try to sound as rational and moderate as possible. But, during the primary most candidates have to demonstrate just how totally fucking crazy they are to make the party base nominate them in the first place. This comes easier to some than others and often a candidate is forced to pretend which brings me to the next factor:

ACTING ABILITY

Politicians, all politicians, are just actors. And we’re just one big audience going to see the same goddamn movie over and over again. A successful candidate will seduce me with their face and make love to me with their words. They’ll sell me a bucket of shit but convince me it’s a waffle cone full of diamonds. Kind of like those people who work at cellphone kiosks in the mall.

THE WHORE SCORE

A successful politician will do anything, anything, to get elected. Sing along with church choirs, walk around in cowboy hats, throw out pitches at ball games, etc. The lower one is willing to sink usually indicates the heights their candidacy will eventually reach. So when you’re eating chicken wings at a truck stop and listening to some jackass vent about immigrants or taxes or something just go somewhere else in your head. Hell, that’s what I do and I’m not even running for anything.