14
Aug
13

THE RACE FOR 2016 IS UNDERWAY

2016 Presidential Race

I’ve been off enjoying the summer these last few weeks. Well, to be perfectly candid, I’ve been enjoying the summer and trying to take care of a pregnant wife. And pregnant women pretty much get what they want when they want it. They’re like society’s ultimate trump card. Nobody fucks with them. A pregnant woman could run naked down the street screaming obscenities and firing an Uzi in the air. Nobody would even think about trying to stop her. And that imagery is strangely erotic to me now that I think about it. At any rate, it’s why I truly believe that every diplomat America sends abroad should be a woman like 6 to 8 months pregnant. Nobody would ever screw with us again.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way let’s get down to business. Or brass tacks, whatever the hell those are. The 2016 Presidential election may be a few years away yet but we live in an era of constant, round-the-clock campaigning in America. Obama’s second term isn’t even a year old but increasingly the lead stories in the news are about the next election. And orgies. At least that’s the case in the kind of media I follow. Anyway, because I had so much fun doing this two years ago I thought that I would do it again. Of course last time around there was an incumbent and only the Republicans had a primary. 2016 will be another one of those double-barreled election years where everyone and their uncle will be climbing over each other to reach the Oval Office. Which means I’ll have twice as much material to work with. To get an idea of how this will go down you can check out the posts I did for the last election here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Or you can skip it and play video games. I wouldn’t blame you. Nobody reads anymore. Hell, I’m not even reading this as I’m writing it. I’m actually jerking off with one hand and just randomly hitting keys with the other.

Last time I handicapped the candidates based on three criteria: Their chances of winning the nomination, their chances of defeating Obama and the Retard Index. But, I thought this time around I would expand the categories on which I evaluate these people. If nothing else it gives me more opportunities to be crude and offensive.

FUCKABILITY

Let’s face it, ugly people almost never go into politics. Well, they do. But they usually don’t get too far. A candidate’s physical appearance is key to their success especially in the modern media age. And it goes without saying that if I wouldn’t sleep with you I probably won’t even listen to what you have to say. This is why so many teachers, judges and employers have had to tell me things like a 100 times. Get a fucking haircut or put on some lipstick. Make an effort.

WEALTH

Money makes the world go around. It also makes politics go around too. A candidate’s personal wealth, and their access to other people’s money, is a critical factor for winning. But, as Mitt Romney! demonstrated it can also be a political liability. Money can make you out of touch with reality or make your loyalties seem suspect. Or it can just make you look and sound like a dick.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

In the general election the idea is to reach out to the average person (sort of) and try to sound as rational and moderate as possible. But, during the primary most candidates have to demonstrate just how totally fucking crazy they are to make the party base nominate them in the first place. This comes easier to some than others and often a candidate is forced to pretend which brings me to the next factor:

ACTING ABILITY

Politicians, all politicians, are just actors. And we’re just one big audience going to see the same goddamn movie over and over again. A successful candidate will seduce me with their face and make love to me with their words. They’ll sell me a bucket of shit but convince me it’s a waffle cone full of diamonds. Kind of like those people who work at cellphone kiosks in the mall.

THE WHORE SCORE

A successful politician will do anything, anything, to get elected. Sing along with church choirs, walk around in cowboy hats, throw out pitches at ball games, etc. The lower one is willing to sink usually indicates the heights their candidacy will eventually reach. So when you’re eating chicken wings at a truck stop and listening to some jackass vent about immigrants or taxes or something just go somewhere else in your head. Hell, that’s what I do and I’m not even running for anything.

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1 Response to “THE RACE FOR 2016 IS UNDERWAY”



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