15
Aug
13

RAND PAUL: DADDY’S LITTLE BIG BOY

Randy Pauly

PARTY AND IDEOLOGICAL AFFILIATION

Republican. Libertarian. Former hydrated Buddhist.

FUCKABILITY

Rand Paul does have a nice head of hair. The way it kind of curls and hangs over his brow quickly brings to mind visions of the main character in a melodrama from the silent era. Or maybe even the Scarlett Pimpernel. Paul’s shitty grin can be charming even when he’s not making any sense whatsoever. But, hey, there is a case to be made that vacuous people are sexy. Look for him to resonate especially well with obese conservative housewives and closeted gay religious leaders in small Southern towns nobody has ever heard of.

WEALTH

Paul is a doctor. So is his father, Ron. So it’s safe to assume they’re rolling in some lower-upper class dough at home. He and his father are both Republicans which means they pretty much have a line of credit with corporations and the super wealthy. Both Pauls are masters at publicly casting suspicion on the power of big business while also taking their money and quietly serving their interests. Money probably won’t be a problem for Rand in a primary campaign unless he tweets pictures of his junk to the world or gets caught hating on poor people at a fundraiser. And even then, that’s not necessarily a game-changer.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

Rand and his father are both Libertarians, which is basically the conservative version of an Anarchist. They want almost no government or police or firemen or postal workers or immigrants in America whatsoever. They live cloistered in their homes surrounded by weapons and copies of THE TURNER DIARIES ironically convinced that America has become a place where you can’t surround yourself with weapons or copies of THE TURNER DIARIES. Should he decide to run look for him to make unprecedented use of words like “drone”, “surveillance”, “liberty”, “black helicopters” and of course “Nazi Germany”. I actually plan on making a drinking game out of it.

ACTING ABILITY

I give Paul high marks on this one. Way more than his old man who actually just reminds me of a guy in a nursing home with persistent bowel problems. Like most right wing politicians I don’t think he actually believes most of the crap he espouses. He just knows his audience. A century ago he and his father would have been crisscrossing the Plain States in a covered wagon selling grain alcohol as a medicinal tonic. And they would have made a fortune. Rand especially has the gift of what I like to call intellectual hypnosis. This basically means he can tell you completely retarded shit like that global warming is a hoax or that the planet is only 10,000 years old and even though you know better one look into those eyes and you just throw your hands in the air and shout “hallelujah!”

THE WHORE SCORE

Unfortunately, this is where Rand starts to fall short. While the speeches he gives and the op-ed pieces he writes are particularly effective at getting your crazy uncle who lives in the woods all riled up, the guy looks stiff and uncomfortable in almost every social situation I’ve seen him in. If he tries to throw out a pitch at a ball game or bowl a few frames with potential voters he’s going to end up looking awkward and spastic like an early Jerry Lewis. And there’s always this distinct sense about him that going to community barbecues or hanging out in local eateries is somehow beneath him. Way beneath him. But if he wants the big prize it means doing the little stuff. So my advice, Rand, is to buy some bowling shoes and learn to shout “hey lady!” in the most annoying voice you can muster.

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2 Responses to “RAND PAUL: DADDY’S LITTLE BIG BOY”


  1. August 16, 2013 at 10:05 AM

    Rand Paul and even Ron Paul are not Libertarians. Your view of what the Libertarian role of government entails is wrong as well…. Regarding wealth, Rand Paul’s is nowhere near Hillary Clinton’s $150m when she ran in 2008. And that is how much she gained from almost filing for bankruptcy in 2000. By 2016 Hillary is bound to be worth more than Romney. Obama will have the same fate. Cronyism is bad, but don’t pretend like only Republicans benefit from it.


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