22
Aug
13

JOE BIDEN: SO NEAR YET SO FAR

Joe Joe The Dancer

PARTY AND IDEOLOGICAL AFFILIATION

Democrat, Pragmatic Liberal, Self-Tanner

FUCKABILITY

Biden looks good for a man his age. Even though he doesn’t have much hair and has slightly uneven eyes and perhaps one of the most unlikable personalities in politics, I give him mad credit for looking sharp. I think he must own stock in Men’s Wearhouse because for being one of the least wealthy Senators in Washington the guy is always wearing a killer suit. Also, I’ve never met him but somehow I know he wears aftershave with a little ship on the bottle. It’s like I can smell it through the television. And whereas that would be obnoxious with most people, it works for Joe.

WEALTH

As I mentioned, Biden has long held the record for being one of the least wealthy people in Washington. But, when you’re talking about a career U.S. Senator/Vice President that’s pretty relative. I’m sure he’s doing just fine financially compared to the rest of us. As for campaign cash, well, he has a very big problem should he decide to run. He’s a longtime friend and ally of the Clintons and should Hillary run they’ll have to fight over the same donors. And let’s face it, those people are going to give their money to Hillary because they’re probably frightened of her and/or want to sleep with Bill.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

Biden is a loyal Democrat and pretty reliable at towing the party line. But, I think that’s just because he likes to argue and fight. To be honest I think the guy would advocate human sacrifice and sun worship if it was what got him where he wanted to go. His delight in pissing off Republicans is also infectious and has a way of riling up the Democratic base.

ACTING ABILITY

Biden is like a big time movie star who doesn’t really act, he just plays himself. And that self, unfortunately, is crass and obnoxious. He gives a decent speech but in just about any situation where he doesn’t have a script he has a tendency to be over-the-top, offensive or just downright bizarre. Which is cool. I like bizarre… when I’m watching a David Lynch film or checking out porn sites from Ecuador. But when I’m considering someone for the next leader of the free world, eh, not so much. That would be like casting Jack Nicholson or Al Pacino as Abe Lincoln.

THE WHORE SCORE

At this point in his life and career I’m convinced Biden would dig up Mother Theresa and have sex with her corpse if there was even the slightest chance that would somehow win him the Presidency. Christ knows he’s been trying for like 30+ years for the top job but just somehow keeps fucking it up. Shamelessly pandering to voters comes quite naturally for him and on this score he’ll be a tough competitor. And I suspect he’ll draw large crowds wherever he goes. Not that most of those people will end up voting for him. It’s just human nature to go out of one’s way to see a train wreck.

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