Archive for September, 2013

27
Sep
13

TED CRUZ: HE WANTS TO BE THE PRESIDENT, EH?

Cruz Control

PARTY AND IDEOLOGICAL AFFILIATION

Republican, Tea Party Conservative, Cyborg

FUCKABILITY

Texas Senator Ted Cruz is never going to win any beauty contests. The mere sight of him makes me feel like I’m buying a used car or about to get bitched out by a grade school principal who likes his job a little too much. And my guess is that the people who enthusiastically support him either don’t care about looks or have bizarre sexual desires. Which makes sense seeing as he has a face like a shaved scrotum. But, if he decides to run it’s going to be an uphill battle for him in the physical charm department. And while there is a healthy tradition of ugly ass people holding elected office they almost never manage to break that final glass ceiling. Well, it’s more of a floor cage through which the zookeeper feeds them but you get my drift.

WEALTH

I honestly have no idea where this guy’s money comes from. Like everyone else in the U.S. Senate he’s rich because the U.S. Senate is where people go to make money. And he does some kind of business thing. I think. I mean he looks like a business guy of some kind. He wears ties. Fuck man, I don’t know. For all I know he robs banks and sells organs on the black market. But, he’s a conservative business tie wearing guy which means he probably has access to some healthy amounts of campaign cash.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

Ted Cruz espouses lunatic fringe views with such a natural ease that the crazy white people he panders to can’t even tell he’s Hispanic. And, being from Texas, he has no choice. Well, technically speaking he’s from Canada but don’t tell anyone on the right that. In their view only black people from Hawaii are foreigners. White sounding Latinos from Canada who are now ultra-conservative Senators from Texas are good old fashioned Americans. Or something.

ACTING ABILITY

It’s very easy to be a good actor when you have no actual personality to begin with. One only has to watch this guy speak on television to see that there is absolutely nothing genuine or multidimensional behind those Westworld eyes of his. As long as there is a good team of technicians to change his hair hat and alter his expression circuits he will be very convincing on the stump.

THE WHORE SCORE

When it comes to sinking to new lows to pander for votes Cruz will be a truly intimidating competitor. He has a gift. Or, more accurately, no shame. Which in some careers (like business or politics) is a vital key to success. The guy would take part in a lynching if he thought it would win him some votes. And in a GOP Presidential primary it’s entirely possible it may come to that.

06
Sep
13

RICK SANTORUM: PUTTING THE LOTION IN THE BASKET

Richard Santorum

PARTY AND IDEOLOGICAL AFFILIATION

Republican, Social Conservative, Cannibal

FUCKABILITY

Former Senator Rick Santorum is actually a fairly attractive guy, which is probably how he managed to lure most of his unsuspecting victims into the flesh suit factory in his basement. Or, you know, get elected to the U.S. Senate in the first place. And while it never takes long for his mask of charm and sanity to slide off even the raging, salivating lunatic found underneath is still seen as attractive by Christian schoolteachers and low information NASCAR fans. But, hey, even David Berkowitz looked good in a collared shirt.

WEALTH

Santo Clause does do pretty well for himself. From serving in the Senate to making TV appearances to producing movies the guy keeps busy and gets his ass paid. On the fundraising front he does know a few tricks and has a few rich donors reliably in his pocket. But, as was demonstrated in his last Presidential campaign, he’s just not packing the kind of financial hardware to do battle with party heavyweights. Should he run again look for him to grovel shamelessly for donations at militia barbecues and abortion clinic protests.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

I’ve often theorized that Santorum is really just a con artist who has masterfully staked out a position as the chief raving wingnut in the GOP. And he plays the part very, very well even down to the Catholic school cardigan and the Lego hair. And perhaps somewhere in a mind dominated by fantasies of eating college girls and masturbating in his own feces he really does believe in some of the socially conservative platform. But, it really doesn’t matter if he does or not. He has so successfully associated himself with that point of view that pretty much anyone who says anything sexist, racist or homophobic is just seen to be doing a “Santorum”.

ACTING ABILITY

As I said, the guy plays his part very well. Unfortunately, when it comes to actually imitating a human being Santorum falls seriously short. He really has only one emotional setting which is a kind of disgusted anger, and that can only carry a politician so far. Whenever I’ve seen him trying to be likable or relatable he reminds me of a screen memory from a UFO abduction story. Seriously, even his own wife and kids look uneasy around him. And they should be. This is a man for whom the phrase “eating one’s young” is less of an expression and more of an actual dinner plan.

THE WHORE SCORE

Santorum gave up on looking dignified a long time ago. And while he doesn’t have the sad and pathetic look of Newt Gingrich or Mitt Romney! when pandering for votes it’s only because the guy is so fucking awkward that you’re actually left feeling sorry for him. Sort of. Watching him try to throw a baseball or catch a frisbee is likely to conjure up memories of that really spastic kid you knew in high school who did well in class but sucked at everything else. Until he discovered heavy metal and power tools and then, mysteriously, all the dogs and cats in the neighborhood started disappearing.