06
Sep
13

RICK SANTORUM: PUTTING THE LOTION IN THE BASKET

Richard Santorum

PARTY AND IDEOLOGICAL AFFILIATION

Republican, Social Conservative, Cannibal

FUCKABILITY

Former Senator Rick Santorum is actually a fairly attractive guy, which is probably how he managed to lure most of his unsuspecting victims into the flesh suit factory in his basement. Or, you know, get elected to the U.S. Senate in the first place. And while it never takes long for his mask of charm and sanity to slide off even the raging, salivating lunatic found underneath is still seen as attractive by Christian schoolteachers and low information NASCAR fans. But, hey, even David Berkowitz looked good in a collared shirt.

WEALTH

Santo Clause does do pretty well for himself. From serving in the Senate to making TV appearances to producing movies the guy keeps busy and gets his ass paid. On the fundraising front he does know a few tricks and has a few rich donors reliably in his pocket. But, as was demonstrated in his last Presidential campaign, he’s just not packing the kind of financial hardware to do battle with party heavyweights. Should he run again look for him to grovel shamelessly for donations at militia barbecues and abortion clinic protests.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

I’ve often theorized that Santorum is really just a con artist who has masterfully staked out a position as the chief raving wingnut in the GOP. And he plays the part very, very well even down to the Catholic school cardigan and the Lego hair. And perhaps somewhere in a mind dominated by fantasies of eating college girls and masturbating in his own feces he really does believe in some of the socially conservative platform. But, it really doesn’t matter if he does or not. He has so successfully associated himself with that point of view that pretty much anyone who says anything sexist, racist or homophobic is just seen to be doing a “Santorum”.

ACTING ABILITY

As I said, the guy plays his part very well. Unfortunately, when it comes to actually imitating a human being Santorum falls seriously short. He really has only one emotional setting which is a kind of disgusted anger, and that can only carry a politician so far. Whenever I’ve seen him trying to be likable or relatable he reminds me of a screen memory from a UFO abduction story. Seriously, even his own wife and kids look uneasy around him. And they should be. This is a man for whom the phrase “eating one’s young” is less of an expression and more of an actual dinner plan.

THE WHORE SCORE

Santorum gave up on looking dignified a long time ago. And while he doesn’t have the sad and pathetic look of Newt Gingrich or Mitt Romney! when pandering for votes it’s only because the guy is so fucking awkward that you’re actually left feeling sorry for him. Sort of. Watching him try to throw a baseball or catch a frisbee is likely to conjure up memories of that really spastic kid you knew in high school who did well in class but sucked at everything else. Until he discovered heavy metal and power tools and then, mysteriously, all the dogs and cats in the neighborhood started disappearing.

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