27
Sep
13

TED CRUZ: HE WANTS TO BE THE PRESIDENT, EH?

Cruz Control

PARTY AND IDEOLOGICAL AFFILIATION

Republican, Tea Party Conservative, Cyborg

FUCKABILITY

Texas Senator Ted Cruz is never going to win any beauty contests. The mere sight of him makes me feel like I’m buying a used car or about to get bitched out by a grade school principal who likes his job a little too much. And my guess is that the people who enthusiastically support him either don’t care about looks or have bizarre sexual desires. Which makes sense seeing as he has a face like a shaved scrotum. But, if he decides to run it’s going to be an uphill battle for him in the physical charm department. And while there is a healthy tradition of ugly ass people holding elected office they almost never manage to break that final glass ceiling. Well, it’s more of a floor cage through which the zookeeper feeds them but you get my drift.

WEALTH

I honestly have no idea where this guy’s money comes from. Like everyone else in the U.S. Senate he’s rich because the U.S. Senate is where people go to make money. And he does some kind of business thing. I think. I mean he looks like a business guy of some kind. He wears ties. Fuck man, I don’t know. For all I know he robs banks and sells organs on the black market. But, he’s a conservative business tie wearing guy which means he probably has access to some healthy amounts of campaign cash.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

Ted Cruz espouses lunatic fringe views with such a natural ease that the crazy white people he panders to can’t even tell he’s Hispanic. And, being from Texas, he has no choice. Well, technically speaking he’s from Canada but don’t tell anyone on the right that. In their view only black people from Hawaii are foreigners. White sounding Latinos from Canada who are now ultra-conservative Senators from Texas are good old fashioned Americans. Or something.

ACTING ABILITY

It’s very easy to be a good actor when you have no actual personality to begin with. One only has to watch this guy speak on television to see that there is absolutely nothing genuine or multidimensional behind those Westworld eyes of his. As long as there is a good team of technicians to change his hair hat and alter his expression circuits he will be very convincing on the stump.

THE WHORE SCORE

When it comes to sinking to new lows to pander for votes Cruz will be a truly intimidating competitor. He has a gift. Or, more accurately, no shame. Which in some careers (like business or politics) is a vital key to success. The guy would take part in a lynching if he thought it would win him some votes. And in a GOP Presidential primary it’s entirely possible it may come to that.

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