Archive for October, 2013

29
Oct
13

SUZANNE SOMERS IS WRITING FOR THE WALL STREET JOURNAL NOW

Somers Indiscretion

I know, I know. This picture is over thirty years old. But, I feel that when you spend so much money and effort butchering your face to look like you’re still in your 20’s then it’s my prerogative to use a photo from any point in your life. I mean, if you think you still look so hot then how do you know how old this picture really is? Which, incidentally, brings me to my next point. Most people under the age of, say, 35 probably have no fucking idea who this woman is. Hell, I’m older than that and THREE’S COMPANY (which was pretty much her only acting gig) was already in reruns when I was a kid.

And while I will admit to having occasionally jerked off to her Thighmaster infomercials on late night TV during my adolescence I have to admit that I could never totally get into her. Mostly because I don’t think stupid women are hot. Entertaining perhaps.

“…the former “Three’s Company” star-turned-longevity-expert has turned her attention to Obamacare. And she doesn’t like what she sees.

“Boomers are smart,” Somers wrote in a Monday opinion piece for the online version of the Wall Street Journal. “They see the train wreck coming… most I speak with think the Affordable Care Act is a greater Ponzi scheme than that pulled off by Bernie Madoff.” The Journal is owned by News Corp., the conglomerate controlled by billionaire Rupert Murdoch, who also owns Fox News Channel.

The former Thighmaster queen argues that the new health plan — which has been plagued by tech problems in its rollout — is a socialist scheme that will actually raise many people’s premiums and stir privacy concerns…

…Somers is part of a panel of writers the news outlet calls The Experts, described as “an exclusive group of industry, academic and cultural thought leaders who weigh in on the latest debates.” – THE LOS ANGELES TIMES

Right off the bat I can tell you that most of the Boomers this dingbat is talking to are wealthy types with equally bad nose jobs. And why is it that people with plenty of money and the best healthcare have such a bug up their asses about the rest of us seeing a fucking doctor? And how in the hell is this woman one of “The Experts”? Shit, man, if that’s the case then I want to know what Hal Linden from BARNEY MILLER thinks about private prisons or what kind of insight Alan Alda from M.A.S.H. has on the situation in Syria. Of course once Rupert Murdoch took over The Wall Street Journal it was inevitable that standards would start to sink to this level. For example, this is Somers herself from her own piece explaining why she’s qualified to write about Obamacare:

“SUZANNE SOMERS: As a writer of 24 books mostly on health and wellness and by using my celebrity to get to the best and brightest doctors, scientists and medical professionals in the alternative and integrative health-care world, I have come to the following conclusions: First of all, let’s call affordable health care what it really is: It’s socialized medicine.” – THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

You can read the whole piece here. But, if you’d rather just spin around in your office chair making helicopter noises I wouldn’t blame you. That’s what I’m doing instead of paying attention to someone of moderate-to-low intelligence who thinks that talking to people smarter than her makes her an “expert” on something. Personally, I take more seriously the views of actual medical professionals on the subject. Not whatever hipster voodoo crystal worship Somers is into.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to meet Janet down at the Regal Beagle. I’m going to pretend to be her boyfriend so she can make her gay cousin think she’s happy and give her an inheritance. But, it’s probably going to end in a hilarious series of awkward situations and sexual innuendos.

28
Oct
13

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU IS UPSET THAT YOU’VE STOPPED PAYING ATTENTION TO HIM

Mazeltov Cocktail

If memory serves it was like a year ago that Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said he was about to start World War III. Or, maybe memory doesn’t serve. Maybe it betrays. How the hell should I know. At any rate I seem to remember him at the United Nations last year waving around a picture of an old-timey Acme bomb from The Road Runner cartoon that had something to do with how we only had a few months before Iran was going to have a window within which they would kill Wile E. Coyote with a nuclear bomb. Or something. Shit, man, I don’t know. I just know that the guy swore that if the world didn’t stop Iran by the end of 2012 then Israel would.

Well, now it’s almost the end of 2013 and nothing happened. So I just kind of forgot all about it and so did most of the world. And can you blame us? There was an election in America. Then we shut the government down. There was a new Superman movie. Like, a dozen new iPhones. Then Breaking Bad ended and Grand Theft Auto V came out. But, right wing Israeli leaders and threats of war are not like back taxes or promises made to old girlfriends. They don’t just go away because you forgot about and/or chose to ignore them.

“U.S. and Israeli officials differed over Iran’s nuclear program on Wednesday as Israel called for its effective dismantlement and the United States suggested better safeguards could assure that it is peaceful rather than military in nature. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu spoke as they began talks that were also expected to cover Israeli-Palestinian peace negotiations but appeared likely to be overshadowed by Iran.

Hints of a possible U.S.-Iranian rapprochement, including President Barack Obama’s phone call with new Iranian President Hassan Rouhani and revived nuclear talks between Tehran and six major powers, have unnerved Arab states and Israel, which see any potential Iranian nuclear arms program as a direct threat.

Iran must not have a nuclear weapons capability, which means that they shouldn’t have centrifuges (for) enrichment, they shouldn’t have a plutonium heavy-water plant, which is used only for nuclear weapons,” Netanyahu told reporters as he and Kerry began what was expected to be several hours of talks.” – REUTERS

I feel sorry for John Kerry. Being forced to talk to Benjamin Netanyahu for “several hours” has got to be like watching both CRANK movies back-to-back while drinking way too much coffee. The guy is only slightly less jumpy and paranoid than every character Peter Lorre ever played. And he repeats himself with the same regularity as the plot of THE WALKING DEAD. Seriously, here’s what he said at the U.N. a few weeks ago and tell me if this doesn’t sound familiar.

“Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu castigated the U.S. diplomatic outreach to Tehran, telling world leaders Iranian President Hasan Rouhani is a “wolf in sheep’s clothing” determined to use a political thaw to advance his country’s nuclear program.

Mr. Netanyahu, addressing the United Nations General Assembly on Tuesday, said Israel would take unilateral military action against Iran if it felt the international community wouldn’t act to stop Tehran from acquiring nuclear weapons…

“I want there to be no confusion on this point. Israel will not allow Iran to get nuclear weapons,” the Israeli prime minister said during a half-hour address. “If Israel is forced to stand alone, Israel will stand alone.” – THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

Dude, you’re a world leader. Not fucking Kanye West. You can’t just do the same shit year after year and expect people to take you seriously. At this point I think we should turn these U.N. addresses into some kind of informal holiday. We’ll call it Angry Benji Day. Everyone can go to school or work wearing dark and depressing suits and hurl empty threats at each other.

22
Oct
13

THE TEA PARTY KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT IT’S DOING

Tea Party Patriot

There’s a scene in THE DARK KNIGHT in which Bruce Wayne and Alfred are trying to understand the seemingly chaotic and pointlessly destructive behavior of The Joker. Wayne comments that The Joker is just a criminal and all they need to figure out is what he’s really after. Alfred disagrees with him, going on to say that “Some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.” Of course, in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES he says that he would send Wayne on a date with a chimpanzee if it got him out of the house. So sometimes it’s best to take what old people say with a grain of sand. Or salt. Whatever. Nevertheless, speaking of old people saying strange things, that brings me to the Tea Party.

In watching THE DARK KNIGHT with my oldest son a week or so ago, at the height of the Republican shutdown of the government, I started to see so many parallels between The Joker and the Tea Party Conservatives in Congress. Every news outlet was acting like Bruce Wayne (billionaire playboy doofus, not cunning vigilante crime fighter) in trying to find a logical motive or endgame behind the Tea Party’s actions. Liberal and conservative pundits (because there are no moderate ones) alike were perplexed at what was going on. The “establishment” Republicans reminded me of the establishment crime bosses of Gotham City who are forced to rely on the help of The Joker, a man they clearly do not understand and who clearly does not have their best interests in mind. A man whose idea of “victory” is the end of the very thing the rest of them need to survive. Seriously, the “party of business” is trusting the help of a group that once urged businesses not to hire people so unemployment would stay high so Obama would not get re-elected.

Speaker of The House John Boehner reminded me of Harvey Dent, a man so focused on his own career and enamored by his own perceived intelligence that he’s oblivious to how seriously out of his depth he is especially when faced with the actions of The Joker. Or, the Tea Party. Whichever. The point is in the end they burned half his face off and turned him into a hated freak. And President Obama struck me as being a lot like Jim Gordon, a guy who I think genuinely wants to do the right thing and get the job done but is surrounded by schemers and ideologues with their own agendas. And yet, somehow, he’s the only guy still standing in the end.

The average American was like the average citizen of Gotham, trapped on one of two ideological boats wired with explosives and their fates directly in the hands of the other side. Most people in this country think they can just live apart from one another but, alas, they can’t. And the Joker Party is constantly trying to find new ways to get us all to turn on each other in the name of chaos. Because in the end that’s what they’re really after. For, as The Joker himself so succinctly put it “I’m a dog chasing cars in the street. I wouldn’t know what to do if I caught one.”

And finally, you might be asking who I am in all of this. Well, that’s easy. I’m Batman.

09
Oct
13

CHRIS CHRISTIE: THE GREAT WHITE WHALE

Smallie BigsPARTY AND IDEOLOGICAL AFFILIATION

Republican, Fiscal Conservative, Muse for Tuba Players

FUCKABILITY

Let’s not kid ourselves. New Jersey Governor Chris “Chris” Christie looks like a cross between Fatty Arbuckle and Jabba The Hutt. And while, yeah, the guy can be surprisingly telegenic it’s important to point out that even Freddy Krueger looks kind of good with the right lighting and camera lens. Any aesthetic appeal the guy might have derives from a sense that, in bed, he’d be like a giant teddy bear. Which would only endear him to small children or lonely and obese middle managers at Walmart. In either case his best bet is to put on a Santa beard and try to get people to sit on his lap.

WEALTH

From what I understand Christie is not a particularly wealthy guy. And being the governor of a largely blue collar state like New Jersey it probably helps that he isn’t. However, should he venture into the fray of a Republican Presidential Primary he will have to start shaking hands and french kissing asses for cash in order to stay afloat. Republicans have a kind of pseudo-sexual excitement for wealth deriving from a misconception that it means someone is good at what they do. Christie, like him or not, is good at what he does. But, unless he starts driving around in a Mercedes and getting $4,000 haircuts then most likely the very people he would need to clinch the Republican nomination will just dismiss him.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

Other than being really fanatic about not spending money (seriously, like Ebenezer Scrooge fanatic) Christie stands out in the Republican Party like a sore thumb. He’s pretty indifferent to issues like gay marriage and medical marijuana and sounds like a Democrat on issues like abortion and gun control. He’s also a pragmatist which in today’s GOP makes him akin to Charlton Heston imprisoned by the apes. To put it bluntly: he’s in the wrong party.

ACTING ABILITY

Christie is an okay actor. He tried to act all angsty and conservative at the last Republican National Convention but his speech kind of fell flat because, in the end, he’s not all angsty and conservative. And I don’t think he has it in him to feign passions and emotions he doesn’t genuinely have. Which I guess would make him a horrible actor. And since a politician is, first and foremost, an actor it would make this whole Presidential run thing an uphill battle. Nobody votes for people who are genuine. Genuine people are scary and say things nobody wants to hear.

THE WHORE SCORE

I’m not exactly sure how low the guy would stoop to get votes. I seem to remember a PR stunt where he sat on a Harley or something. But, seeing that he’s about the only white male in this next election cycle with an actual shot at winning I don’t see him having to try too hard. There are plenty of whites-only country clubs that will be happy to just have him sit there and scarf down the buffet while they piss and moan about regulation. And I’m sure there is no shortage of old white lady church groups willing to feed him plates of homemade cookies while they talk about how awful the Mexicans are.