09
Oct
13

CHRIS CHRISTIE: THE GREAT WHITE WHALE

Smallie BigsPARTY AND IDEOLOGICAL AFFILIATION

Republican, Fiscal Conservative, Muse for Tuba Players

FUCKABILITY

Let’s not kid ourselves. New Jersey Governor Chris “Chris” Christie looks like a cross between Fatty Arbuckle and Jabba The Hutt. And while, yeah, the guy can be surprisingly telegenic it’s important to point out that even Freddy Krueger looks kind of good with the right lighting and camera lens. Any aesthetic appeal the guy might have derives from a sense that, in bed, he’d be like a giant teddy bear. Which would only endear him to small children or lonely and obese middle managers at Walmart. In either case his best bet is to put on a Santa beard and try to get people to sit on his lap.

WEALTH

From what I understand Christie is not a particularly wealthy guy. And being the governor of a largely blue collar state like New Jersey it probably helps that he isn’t. However, should he venture into the fray of a Republican Presidential Primary he will have to start shaking hands and french kissing asses for cash in order to stay afloat. Republicans have a kind of pseudo-sexual excitement for wealth deriving from a misconception that it means someone is good at what they do. Christie, like him or not, is good at what he does. But, unless he starts driving around in a Mercedes and getting $4,000 haircuts then most likely the very people he would need to clinch the Republican nomination will just dismiss him.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

Other than being really fanatic about not spending money (seriously, like Ebenezer Scrooge fanatic) Christie stands out in the Republican Party like a sore thumb. He’s pretty indifferent to issues like gay marriage and medical marijuana and sounds like a Democrat on issues like abortion and gun control. He’s also a pragmatist which in today’s GOP makes him akin to Charlton Heston imprisoned by the apes. To put it bluntly: he’s in the wrong party.

ACTING ABILITY

Christie is an okay actor. He tried to act all angsty and conservative at the last Republican National Convention but his speech kind of fell flat because, in the end, he’s not all angsty and conservative. And I don’t think he has it in him to feign passions and emotions he doesn’t genuinely have. Which I guess would make him a horrible actor. And since a politician is, first and foremost, an actor it would make this whole Presidential run thing an uphill battle. Nobody votes for people who are genuine. Genuine people are scary and say things nobody wants to hear.

THE WHORE SCORE

I’m not exactly sure how low the guy would stoop to get votes. I seem to remember a PR stunt where he sat on a Harley or something. But, seeing that he’s about the only white male in this next election cycle with an actual shot at winning I don’t see him having to try too hard. There are plenty of whites-only country clubs that will be happy to just have him sit there and scarf down the buffet while they piss and moan about regulation. And I’m sure there is no shortage of old white lady church groups willing to feed him plates of homemade cookies while they talk about how awful the Mexicans are.

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