Archive for March, 2014

24
Mar
14

JUST SO WE’RE ALL CLEAR: CHIMPANZEES ARE REALLY FUCKING DANGEROUS

Dirty Chimpy

I’m actually not one to decry frivolous lawsuits. The fear of being sued is often the only thing keeping society together. It keeps my landlord from just, you know, not fixing my sink. It keeps the bank from stealing my money… sometimes. It keeps my boss at work from taking advantage of me, at least in theory. But every so often you see legal action being taken that just defies all logic and reason. Like this morning when I saw this:

“A Connecticut woman mauled by a pet chimpanzee in 2009 made a rare public apperance before politicians Friday, pleading for the right to sue the state for $150 million.

Charla Nash, who is blind and underwent a complete face transplant following the gruesome rampage by Travis the chimp, points to a memo by the state’s Department of Energy and  Environmental Protection that labeled the primate “an accident waiting to happen.” She has prosthetic eyes…

…”I feel like I’m locked up,” she said in the video, according to NBC Connecticut. “I feel like I’m in a cage.

“I’m hoping that the legislation will allow me to have my day in court, that I will be able to have a judge listen to the evidence that is brought before him about the vicious attack on me, and that it shall not happen to any other person again.”…

…Travis was raised by Nash’s close friend Sandy Herold in Stamford, Conn., essentially from birth.” – NY DAILY NEWS

Granted, she’s not the one who owned Travis. It was a friend of hers. But, frankly, as much as I love some of my friends the moment one of them started keeping a goddamn primate in the house I’d probably stop visiting them. Because to keep tempting fate like that is just kind of idiotic. And to expect the state to be the one to have to tell you that a fucking chimpanzee is dangerous is kind of sad. Further, I think after this unfortunate incident it should be common knowledge that King Kong is a bad choice for a house pet.

And it’s kind of ironic that she feels “locked up” and like she’s “in a cage”. Because that’s how the fucking chimp felt before it went apeshit I bet. I mean, I’m assuming they kept that thing in a cage, right?

“The tremendously powerful primate could open doors using keys, ate at the dinner table with a glass of wine and adored ice cream. He was a big fan of baseball, could drive a car, enjoyed painting and even took baths with Herold.

On Feb. 16, 2009, Travis snapped. He was 14 years old.

A cop shot Travis after the beast ripped open the door of a police cruiser and flashed his blood-covered fangs.

Investigators speculated that it was a dose of Xanax that made Travis’ behavior change so suddenly. They also wondered if Nash’s new hairdo made Travis think she was an intruder.”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say it probably wasn’t the haircut. It was probably the reaction of a savage animal to knocking back wine and Xanax and being forced to bathe with a lonely and disturbed woman. Hell, one time I mixed booze and Xanax and I tried to tackle a moving car. And what the fuck are you giving this thing Xanax for in the first place? Depression? Anxiety? That fucking thing belongs in the wild. Not in your rec room. Certainly not behind the wheel of a car. No wonder the poor animal was stressed out. Shit, man, spending too much time in traffic makes me want to rip someone’s face off.