Posts Tagged ‘Barack Obama

20
Jan
17

I’LL BE BACK

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I was changing my youngest child’s shit filled diaper this morning when I suddenly started thinking about Donald Trump. It’s his inauguration day. He’s the President now. He’s in charge. He’s in the captain’s chair. That mail order bride he married is First Lady.

But then again I thought “Eh, fuck him.” And why not? That’s what he thinks of me. And you. And the guy next door dying of Gulf War Syndrome (who probably voted for him). And the unemployed drunk down the road who used to work at the mill (who probably voted for him). And the morbidly obese woman who never married and hates the gays (who probably voted for him). And that religious guy in the neighborhood everyone goes out of their way to avoid (who probably voted for him).

I started Magnus Greel shortly after Obama entered office. Eight years of Bush (not that one, the other one) didn’t drive me to blog. It took a President I actually liked and respected taking office for me to realize that the resistance doesn’t have the luxury of waiting until the bad guys take over. Sooner or later the bad guys always take over. And sooner or later the bad guys either fuck up or are defeated. If the resistance doesn’t have their shit together then other bad guys take over.

Those of you who have followed this site know I have done this many times over the years. Those of you who haven’t, well, pay closer fucking attention. You’re not doing anything important.

“My fellow Americans. How does it feel? How does it feel to finally have the yoke of ultimate oppression removed from your necks? It’s over. I’m done. The scary black man is out of office. I know all you white folks out there are happy. Not normal white folks. Special white folks. Those other white folks that the normal white folks don’t like associating with.

For eight years I put up with your shit. Paul Ryan. Mitch McConnell. John Beener. Or Boner. Whatever. Who fucking cares. Nothing but “Nazi” this and “Soviet” that. Funny that the guy you just elected is both of those fucking things. Anyone see his birth certificate? No. No, you never even fucking asked. He’s rich and he’s white so, gee, he must be from ‘Merica. For all you know he could be from fucking South Africa. And yes, there are white people from South Africa. Not that the special white people in America would know that. You’ve never looked at a map. Or read a book. Or seen an opioid you didn’t crush and snort like there’s no tomorrow.

I like how the special white people in America think that the jobs should come to them. For everyone else in the history of the world, normal white people included, one had to go where the work was. But not you. You’re special. Not sure why. But what the hell. I’ll go with it. Let’s imagine a world that revolves around you.

I see a fucking McDonald’s on every corner. Check cashing places and payday advance outfits. I see repo men and debt collectors having a grand old time taking back that American made truck that no longer works. Yeah. Welcome to your brave new world. I see Twinkies for your kids at lunch. At home. Not at school. Ha ha ha ha! There’s no fucking school lunches. Everyone is on their own. Hooray. Don’t tread on me. And when you get sick, because you eat like shit and don’t exercise, I see you blaming liberal ideas like universal healthcare. And when your children grow up functionally retarded because they’ve been taught that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, that gravity isn’t real and that space travel makes Jesus angry… well, you probably won’t even notice. Because special white people don’t change. They just keep on reproducing. Like roaches.

Well, I hate to shatter this wonderful dream of diabetes and foreclosure. But, I’m not going anywhere. And there isn’t shit you can do about it. I’m not in office anymore. I don’t need your vote anymore. I don’t need your approval. I don’t even need you to like me. I just need you to understand that you don’t live in the country you think you live in. And every time you turn on the TV, which you do like it’s a bodily function, there I’ll be. Smiling at you. Waving at you. Giving you the goddamned finger.

You never got me down, folks. You never got me down.”

 

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21
Nov
16

POLITICS IS MAKING YOU CRAZY

24 Hour Power People

Unlike most talking heads and media outlets I wanted to take my time with my post-election piece. The problem with the rapid pace of today’s media is that it has traded substance for speed. The outcome of this election might have been different had many of us stopped taking so much for granted and took the time for critical thinking. It might also have helped if I didn’t walk around the house in a bathrobe. I mean, it wouldn’t have changed anything but I would probably feel like less of a slouch.

With that in mind here’s my list of six things I keep hearing since the election and why I think they sound fucking crazy. I know, I hate list journalism. But it’s the norm now. And if you can’t beat them then join them. Which is actually how I ended up a member of my local Furry hookup group, but I digress. Or do I?

“Democrats need to win back the white working class”

No. Those people are already long gone. The Democratic Party began hemorrhaging them like Sissy Spacek on her period as far back as Nixon. A lot of them came out for Bill Clinton, yes, but in the big picture he was an outlier. He was also highly entertaining which is ultimately what these people respond to. I grew up in a heavily blue collar part of Chicago but my parents were both college graduates as I am now. This is probably why I don’t walk around using words like “nigger” and “faggot”. It’s why I don’t give a damn about sports or church. And when I think we should bomb another country I pride myself on being able to find it on a map. If you think the working class will ever want to come back to the party of education and social progress then you’re out of your fucking mind.

“Hillary was robbed”

No. Hillary was a mediocre candidate at best. She tried to use the exact same playbook she got beaten like a redheaded stepchild with eight years ago. When you have to run as the lesser of two evils then there’s something fundamentally wrong with your candidacy. Consider that Trump won roughly the same number of votes Mitt Romney! won four years ago. Hillary, despite winning the popular vote, still didn’t come close to Obama’s numbers. This tells me that Trump doesn’t represent a new political order. It tells me that the left got lazy because their candidate really did kind of suck. Which brings me to my next point…

“This country is too sexist for a woman President”

To a core group of baby boomer women this election was all about a woman becoming President. To just about everyone else it was about economics. It was about changing demographics and how uneducated white people are reacting to them. It was about a broken immigration system (and yeah, it’s fucking broken). Trump and Sanders were as popular as they were because they represented something new. Just because you’re a woman running for President doesn’t mean you’re an outsider. Hillary screamed establishment. Don’t blame my lack of enthusiasm for her on my alleged sexism. I have a porn collection which is far more indicative of that than my voting record.

“This was a fluke. Just wait for 2018 and 2020”

Look at a map and you’ll see that in 2018 Democrats will be lucky to hold the line. In 2020 most, if not all, of the people who voted for Trump will vote for him again. Donald Trump can get caught on camera raping a little girl and her cat while personally flying Mexican drug dealers over the border on his plane. They’ll still vote for him. Defeating a sitting President isn’t impossible, but it’s going to be very difficult. Probably harder than that meme you’re forwarding to everyone on Facebook would have you believe.

“The internet is no longer a reliable source of information”

People are not reliable sources of information. The internet is composed of people, even the smartest and most educated of whom can be reduced to complete fucking retards in the span of a few tweets. Shit man, it happens to me all the time. This is because most of what’s on the internet is emotion, not information. Which brings me to my final point…

“We didn’t realize just how much anger is out there”

No. You didn’t realize how much ignorance is out there. Most of the anger is just a byproduct. Those of us repulsed by Donald Trump should not spend the next four years trying to “speak the language of these people”. We should call stupid when we see it. Yes, you’re stupid for wanting to build a wall on our border. Yes, you’re stupid for thinking that companies will bring back jobs to middle America, especially when your lack of education is half the reason they left. Yes, you’re stupid for wanting to bomb (insert name of country you know nothing about here). I’m not going to try and understand people who are inherently racist, sexist, xenophobic and morbidly obese. I’m going to focus on beating them. I recommend you do the same.

14
Aug
13

THE RACE FOR 2016 IS UNDERWAY

2016 Presidential Race

I’ve been off enjoying the summer these last few weeks. Well, to be perfectly candid, I’ve been enjoying the summer and trying to take care of a pregnant wife. And pregnant women pretty much get what they want when they want it. They’re like society’s ultimate trump card. Nobody fucks with them. A pregnant woman could run naked down the street screaming obscenities and firing an Uzi in the air. Nobody would even think about trying to stop her. And that imagery is strangely erotic to me now that I think about it. At any rate, it’s why I truly believe that every diplomat America sends abroad should be a woman like 6 to 8 months pregnant. Nobody would ever screw with us again.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way let’s get down to business. Or brass tacks, whatever the hell those are. The 2016 Presidential election may be a few years away yet but we live in an era of constant, round-the-clock campaigning in America. Obama’s second term isn’t even a year old but increasingly the lead stories in the news are about the next election. And orgies. At least that’s the case in the kind of media I follow. Anyway, because I had so much fun doing this two years ago I thought that I would do it again. Of course last time around there was an incumbent and only the Republicans had a primary. 2016 will be another one of those double-barreled election years where everyone and their uncle will be climbing over each other to reach the Oval Office. Which means I’ll have twice as much material to work with. To get an idea of how this will go down you can check out the posts I did for the last election here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Or you can skip it and play video games. I wouldn’t blame you. Nobody reads anymore. Hell, I’m not even reading this as I’m writing it. I’m actually jerking off with one hand and just randomly hitting keys with the other.

Last time I handicapped the candidates based on three criteria: Their chances of winning the nomination, their chances of defeating Obama and the Retard Index. But, I thought this time around I would expand the categories on which I evaluate these people. If nothing else it gives me more opportunities to be crude and offensive.

FUCKABILITY

Let’s face it, ugly people almost never go into politics. Well, they do. But they usually don’t get too far. A candidate’s physical appearance is key to their success especially in the modern media age. And it goes without saying that if I wouldn’t sleep with you I probably won’t even listen to what you have to say. This is why so many teachers, judges and employers have had to tell me things like a 100 times. Get a fucking haircut or put on some lipstick. Make an effort.

WEALTH

Money makes the world go around. It also makes politics go around too. A candidate’s personal wealth, and their access to other people’s money, is a critical factor for winning. But, as Mitt Romney! demonstrated it can also be a political liability. Money can make you out of touch with reality or make your loyalties seem suspect. Or it can just make you look and sound like a dick.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

In the general election the idea is to reach out to the average person (sort of) and try to sound as rational and moderate as possible. But, during the primary most candidates have to demonstrate just how totally fucking crazy they are to make the party base nominate them in the first place. This comes easier to some than others and often a candidate is forced to pretend which brings me to the next factor:

ACTING ABILITY

Politicians, all politicians, are just actors. And we’re just one big audience going to see the same goddamn movie over and over again. A successful candidate will seduce me with their face and make love to me with their words. They’ll sell me a bucket of shit but convince me it’s a waffle cone full of diamonds. Kind of like those people who work at cellphone kiosks in the mall.

THE WHORE SCORE

A successful politician will do anything, anything, to get elected. Sing along with church choirs, walk around in cowboy hats, throw out pitches at ball games, etc. The lower one is willing to sink usually indicates the heights their candidacy will eventually reach. So when you’re eating chicken wings at a truck stop and listening to some jackass vent about immigrants or taxes or something just go somewhere else in your head. Hell, that’s what I do and I’m not even running for anything.

18
Jun
13

YEAH, GIMME’ SOME…

Low Five All Stars

I’ve made no illusion about my intense, almost irrational hatred of Syrian President Bashar Assad. It’s a point I’ve made time and time and time again. And as tempted as I am to make it yet again I thought I would try to talk about another aspect to the ongoing Syrian Civil War. This week President Obama, Russian President Vladimir “Westworld” Putin and a host of other world leaders are at the annual G8 Summit in Ireland. I’m actually kind of ashamed to admit that I don’t completely understand what the G8 Summit really is. Up until recently I thought it had something to do with internet connection speed. Or that it was a meeting where world leaders compare private planes. In which case America wins.

But, seeing as how it’s really a global forum aimed at increasing economic cooperation, well, not so much. Oh, we’re players. Don’t get me wrong. But in many ways America having the biggest goddamn Presidential aircraft in the world is like your out-of-work aunt or uncle still tooling around in a fucking Escalade. Thankfully, math and money don’t seem to be the main topic this year.

“Mr Putin and Mr Obama met for about two hours on the sidelines of the summit.

Correspondents say that both leaders looked tense as they addressed journalists afterwards, with the Russian president regularly looking at the floor.

Mr Putin said: “Our positions do not fully coincide, but we are united by the common intention to end the violence, to stop the number of victims increasing in Syria, to resolve the problems by peaceful means, including the Geneva talks.”

Mr Obama said the two leaders had instructed their teams to press ahead with trying to organise the peace conference in Switzerland.” – BBC NEWS

What the hell does this even mean? My Fruit Loops Born Again aunt and I have positions that “do not fully coincide”. And, sure, we’re united by the “common intention” to breathe oxygen and drink water. And I can tell you that relationship ain’t going anywhere. Likewise I think it’s pretty clear that Obama and Putin would rather drink their own urine than cooperate on anything. And considering that Assad’s regime has been a pretty reliable meal ticket for old Puters I don’t see him turning his back on him anytime soon.

“Neither the rebels nor the Syrian government have yet fully committed to the proposed Geneva talks, which would seek to end more than two years of unrest that has left an estimated 93,000 people dead.

Mr Obama and Mr Putin did say that they had agreed to meet in Moscow in September.

The White House also announced that Mr Obama would tell the other G8 leaders that the US would provide another $300m (£190m) in aid for refugees inside and outside Syria.” – BBC NEWS

Yeah. Sure. Just get out the goddamn checkbook. Don’t worry about what $300 million dollars could do in America. And I admit it’s probably not much but scratch is still scratch in my book. And it’s a pretty awesome book. I’m constantly amazed by how our government gets its obese child underpants in a twist every time it comes to social spending. But, shit, when it comes to forking over obscene amounts of money to other countries who don’t even like us we don’t bat a fucking eyelash.

I may not understand economics but I do understand basic math. We could spend $300 million to give the Syrian people a band aid or we could spend like $2 million to just blow Bashar Assad off the face of the earth with a cruise missile. And if the world got all upset with us we could just shrug and pretend not to know what they’re talking about. Like I do when the words “SISTER FUCKING HILLBILLY” somehow get spray painted onto my neighbor’s pickup truck.

And agreeing to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow is like 007 going to spend a weekend at Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s condo. This fucking guy used to kill people and make them disappear for a living. Obama could just stay at the White House and have the Secret Service put poison in his food and bombs under his limo all weekend. Shit, man, it would be cheaper and I’m fairly certain the end result would be the same.

23
May
13

I DON’T REMEMBER ASKING YOU A GODDAMN THING

Say What Again

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these particular pieces. I always have fun doing them and based on the feedback I get people enjoy reading them. Of course based on some of the feedback I get I’m a raging asshole so, you know, grain of salt and all that. Or is it sand? Fuck. I don’t know. It’s one of the two.

President Obama is scheduled to make a major foreign policy speech today at the National Defense University. I’m not sure if that’s a four year university or some kind of JuCo but it sounds pretty important. What follows is what I’d love for him to say. Even though if he actually did say it he’d be out of his goddamn mind. Although it would be pretty cool.

(applause)

“Thank you. Thank you. Everyone go ahead and take a seat. Glad you could be here. I know it’s Memorial Day weekend and I’m sure many of you have grills and six packs ready to roll so I won’t keep you any longer than I have to. I’m here to deliver a speech on America’s foreign policy. But, everyone wants to hear me talk about drones. So, let me just get this other stuff out of the way and then I’ll come atcha’ like Cleopatra. Let’s see…

(removes a crumpled piece of paper from suit pocket)

…Afghanistan: We’re done. Go fuck yourselves. Iraq: Nobody gives a shit. Iran: Oh, I’m shaking. North Korea: Are they even still a country? Russia: Kiss my black ass. Syria: You ain’t seen nothing yet. Israel: Calm the fuck down. Egypt: Ditto. China: You’re gonna’ look pretty funny trying to eat corn on the cob with no fucking teeth. And finally, Texas: Are you still here? There. Done.

(tosses paper over shoulder)

Okay, then. Who want’s to talk about drones? Aww yeah! Lemme’ see some hands: anyone here want to go to Waziristan? How about Somalia? Iran? No, no keep ’em up so I can count. Let’s see that would be… nobody. So drones it is.

(makes buzzing sound, flaps arms like a bird)

As much as I would love to keep spending billions of dollars to chase bearded homos in caves I would have to be as retarded as my predecessor to do that in this economy. This is the future of warfare, kids. In ten years half the fucking countries on the planet are going to have these goddamn things. We’re gonna’ look pretty silly trying to send troops everywhere. 21st century in the house, folks. Aw shit.

And as for using them here at home, well, yes we’re going to do that. Until some eighth grader hijacks one out of the sky with his iPad and crashes it into his school. Then I’m sure people will get cold feet about it. And while we’re on the subject of irritating little children, the Republicans in Congress can cry and whine all they want. These are the same band of illiterate sissies who gave us the Patriot Act and turned the CIA into the fucking A Team. So Rand Paul and Mitch McConnell and Marco Rubio can go back to burning books and beating their stepkids for all I care. Fucking stooges.

Also, and I know I get a ton of shit for this, but many times innocent people are killed in these strikes. Women, children, maybe some poor jackass cleaning the pool or whatever. I don’t like it. I’m not a sociopath or an accountant. I have feelings. I have emotions. And you can tell from my gray hair that I don’t get a whole lot of sleep at night. But I also have some advice. If you know people who are terrorists you should probably stay the fuck away from them. And let’s be honest here, you know they’re terrorists. They usually have machine guns and c4 all over the house. They say  “Jihad” or “Great Satan” or “Rivers of Blood” all the time. They never get laid and they have pictures of bearded dudes everywhere. They hate the Jews. They’re always bitching about the Jews. If you know people like this then don’t go over to their house. Shit, stay out of their neighborhood altogether because I can promise you it’s like one mouse click away from becoming a fucking parking lot. Use a little common sense for Christ’s sake.

So, in closing, yes we are going to rely more on drones in the future even though we’re going to have to start being careful about where and when we use them. Iran has already stolen like eight of these damn things from us because it’s not exactly rocket science in the first place. And let’s not forget that a drone is only as smart as the person piloting it. So, maybe think about that the next time you wanna’ badmouth teachers or cut education from the budget. God bless America and have a drink on me, bitches. I’m fuckin’ outta’ here.”

13
May
13

CONGRESSMAN DARRELL ISSA IS HERE TO RESCUE YOU

Congressman Issa

Apparently, there’s a place in Libya called Benghazi. And apparently something terrible happened there. This much I know for sure. And coincidentally that also marks the limits of my actual concern on the matter. Of course if you ask Republican Congressman Darrell Issa, the story is a whole lot more complex and insidious. Apparently before, during and after the attack Barack Obama did, uh, something. Apparently Hillary Clinton said something to someone who then went and did… something else. Apparently ninjas were also involved. D.B. Cooper as well. And Bigfoot. He was there too.

Then again, even if I had the opportunity I probably wouldn’t ask Darrell Issa anything. I take it as a given in life that people like him have nothing to tell me that I don’t either A) already know or, B) already know is crazy. But, hey, the guy is a congressman. So he gets to go on TV and talk about whatever the fuck he wants.

“Former Ambassador Thomas Pickering, who co-led the independent inquiry into Benghazi, was incredulous on Monday at Rep. Darrell Issa’s (R-Calif.) suggestion that then-CIA director David Petraeus was likely just carrying the White House’s water in the aftermath of the terrorist attack.

“I think that’s all crazy,” said Pickering in an interview with The Huffington Post on Monday. “Have you ever talked to David Petraeus? He’s nobody’s slave. He’s a very independent guy.”

Issa, who is chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, appeared on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday along with Pickering. The congressman continued to argue that the Obama administration altered its talking points and tried to cover up the fact that top officials knew a terrorist attack had occurred in the immediate aftermath.” – THE HUFFINGTON POST

Issa has been a frequent critic of President Obama for a while now. And it’s kind of sad to watch him cling to this Benghazi thing like he’s David and he’s convinced he finally found the rock he’s going to slay Goliath with. Even though it’s probably just going to make him the butt of every late night joke for years. For their own part, President Obama and Hillary Clinton have openly dismissed the whole Benghazi thing as bullshit. And you know what? Most people seem to agree with them.

“PPP’s newest national poll finds that Republicans aren’t getting much traction with their focus on Benghazi over the last week. Voters trust Hillary Clinton over Congressional Republicans on the issue of Benghazi by a 49/39 margin and Clinton’s +8 net favorability rating at 52/44 is identical to what it was on our last national poll in late March. Meanwhile Congressional Republicans remain very unpopular with a 36/57 favorability rating…

…One interesting thing about the voters who think Benghazi is the biggest political scandal in American history is that 39% of them don’t actually know where it is. 10% think it’s in Egypt, 9% in Iran, 6% in Cuba, 5% in Syria, 4% in Iraq, and 1% each in North Korea and Liberia with 4% not willing to venture a guess.” – PUBLIC POLICY POLLING

Of course they don’t know where the fucking place is. Look at the caliber of person we’re talking about. These are people who listen to Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh and take them seriously. These are people who listen to country music by choice. These are people who looked at Mitt Romney! and said “Well, at least he ain’t the black guy”. So it doesn’t really surprise me that they’re functionally illiterate and could be easily goaded into believing a fairy tale.

But, hey, I give that 4% who wouldn’t venture a guess a lot of credit. It takes courage to admit you’re stupid. Not as much courage as educating yourself or trying to see past your own hatred of a black President so you can have rational conversations with the rest of society. But, you know, baby steps.

12
Nov
12

YOU BROKE WALL STREET’S HEART

 

While many of the liberal blogs and mainstream news outlets are still kicking the corpse of Mitt Romney! I have to say I don’t feel the need to. I’m not gloating at his defeat. I’m relieved, of course. But, it’s over and I’m happy to let him go off and do… whatever the hell it is he does. Maybe he’ll have another kid or buy another car or something. Maybe get a new pair of bulletproof underwear. In the end he’s still rich. He’ll be fine.

However, I still watch closely the things being said by Republicans, conservatives and rich people. Specifically as it pertains to their warning to the American people just before the election which was summed up by Romney himself.

In simpler language: hey, we have all the money in this country, see? You want some of it? You vote for our guy, get it? And Michael- uh, Wall Street made good on its threat the day after Obama’s re-election when it plunged 312 points. Baddaboom!

“It was a tough week to be a financial adviser to rich Republicans.

Plenty of the wealthy fear President Barack Obama’s election victory will lead to another four years of big government, higher taxes on their kind, further big increases in the federal debt, and other policies that could hurt the already limp U.S. economy.

Financial advisers say some clients are vowing to emigrate or convert their seven-figure investment accounts into cash. Some say they will bury cash and gold, while others are simply venting by sending profanity-laced emails that predict civil unrest and economic destruction.

“Some of them are inconsolable,” said John Burke, chief executive of Iselin, New Jersey-based Burke Financial Strategies, who works mainly with small business owners. “I’ve never seen people so upset about anything in politics.” – REUTERS

Admittedly that’s less carrying through with a hit- er, threat than it is an effeminate and childlike tantrum. Of course it isn’t just those guys on Wall Street, at the big banks and who play golf all day who are disappointed in you for exercising your right to vote. Rich people all over the country are making good on their pre-election warning that voting to re-elect Obama would break the economy. Because, you know, things break. Don’t they?

“A coal producer owned by a longtime critic of President Barack Obama‘s energy policies will lay off nearly 160 workers at Illinois and Utah mines, blaming the freshly re-elected president for a “war on coal.”

Ohio-based Murray Energy Corp. said in a statement supplied Friday to The Associated Press that it would give pink slips to 102 workers at its West Ridge Mine in Utah and 54 at its underground mine in the southern Illinois town of Galatia. Both mines are run by Murray Energy subsidiaries…

…”The American people have made their choice,” Murray, a day after the election, told about 50 employees during a prayer, a text of which was provided to the AP by the company. Lamenting the country’s direction and insisting “the takers outvoted the producers,” Murray asked for God’s forgiveness “for the decisions that we are now forced to make to preserve the very existence of any of the enterprises that you have helped us build.” – THE SEATTLE POST INTELLIGENCER

Badda Bing! How you like that, working American? Huh? You gonna’ show some respect now or what? Huh? I gotta’ take away your house too? Oh, crap. Yeah. We already did that. Well hows about I take away your retirement? Oh yeah. We took that too. Well, I can still make life hard on you, get it?

As I said once before, we’re going to tax the wealthy. And even though I somehow managed to turn that issue into a gay rape joke I was pretty serious about it. It’s going to happen. So go ahead and bury your shit in the yard. Lay off your workers out of spite. Drive the stock market into a brick wall out of frustration. Just remember that we can do this the easy way or the admittedly sadistic but nonetheless fun way. I know that sounds crude but that kind of reasoning got me my first date in high school.