Posts Tagged ‘Dirty Sanchez

30
Jul
16

Are You There God? It’s Me, Debbie.

The Wasserschmidt

There is a scene in the film DEADPOOL in which the title character finds himself captured by a mutant named Colossus. Deadpool can heal. So fast that it’s impossible to kill him. But Colossus is a man who can turn into steel and, in doing so, becomes virtually indestructible. He takes Deadpool by the hand and leads him away. Deadpool responds by sawing his own hand off, spraying blood across Colossus’ face and looking into the camera to say “Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.”

The joke has little to do with the actual Judy Blume book ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT’S ME, MARGARET. Except, perhaps, for the splattering period blood reference. Which I suppose you could make funny without the reference to a 45 year old book. Some jokes are just timeless that way. Like the one about the ugly but rich girl who takes a bad rap for her best friend, an admittedly no better looking, equally rich yet way more popular girl (I’m so over hyphens at this point) and ends up suffering for it.

“Even after a humiliating defenestration that left her sidelined the day before the Democratic convention began — the convention that she had helped plan for the candidate she had worked so loyally and doggedly to nominate — Debbie Wasserman Schultz would not be denied her moment.

Ms. Wasserman Schultz, who resigned as chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee on Sunday after an embarrassing email leak, nevertheless kept a full schedule, attending caucus meetings and delegation gatherings and meeting with Jewish Democrats. On Thursday night, she wore a bright blue sleeveless dress with a big “H” button affixed to it. And when Mrs. Clinton took the stage, Ms. Wasserman Schultz beamed, looking anything but self-pitying.

Yet this has not been the week Ms. Wasserman Schultz had hoped she would have in Philadelphia. It began with the leak of emails from the Democratic National Committee’s servers that showed her staff taking Mrs. Clinton’s side in her drawn-out primary fight with Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, a disclosure that enraged Mr. Sanders’s already disgruntled supporters.

Still, Ms. Wasserman Schultz tried to press ahead.” The New York Times

Yeah, this isn’t the joke I remember. The one I was going to tell ended with this Schultz person walking barefoot across a bunch of snot covered thumbtacks. Or there’s another version where she has a car door and is about to walk across the desert. I definitely haven’t heard the version where she rigs an election and then just sort of goes on with her life driving the Magic School Bus. Or whatever the hell it is she does.

And no shit she “tried to press ahead”. I often try to “press ahead”. Especially when where I’m standing is somewhere I don’t want to be. Now that I think about it I “press ahead” on a daily basis. Almost hourly. One time, when I was doing like 100 miles an hour through somebody else’s neighborhood, a cop tried to stop me. I nevertheless “tried to press ahead”. I got shot. Fucking tasered. I didn’t get off because my likeness had been used for 90’s era Chelsea Clinton blowup sex dolls (look at her picture and tell me I’m wrong).

But that seems to be the theme of this election: getting away with shit right in front of everyone and then expecting to be rewarded anyhow. Hillary should just put that on her fucking website along with a picture of her giving us the finger with the words “And you’ll fucking do it” scrawled beneath her.  And will I indeed “fucking do it”? You know, take one for the “team” and vote for Hillary? Truth is, I’m not sure.

Needless to say I’ll never vote for Trump. But that doesn’t mean I have to vote for Clinton. Oh, I’ll vote. Maybe I’ll vote Green, which I think has something to do with St. Patrick’s Day. I’m not sure. Or those guys who want to bring back the Wild West. I forget their names but what the hell. Is Lyndon LaRouche still a thing? Anyway, the problem Hillary faces is this: I already hate Donald Trump. But, I never thought in a million years I would find myself wondering if I hate her more. And while I’m not there yet, I can only say that every time I see that specimen up there smiling in the audience I get a little closer.

Because right now I feel a lot like Deadpool. And Hillary is Colossus dragging me off to some place I don’t want to go…

 

 

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19
Jan
12

WHEN THE HUNTSMAN BECOMES THE HUNTED

I’m so far behind these days it’s not even funny. Well, admittedly, it is kind of funny. I laugh about it a lot actually. That is when I’m not coughing up a lung or praying for a swift death. This virus just won’t go away. My wife and kids are all better now but I’m still bedridden in a kind of reverse OMEGA MAN scenario.

I was truly sad to see that the lone voice of reason in the Republican primary finally called it quits. Jon Huntsman’s Presidential bid was always a gloriously futile gesture. You can’t run for office as a Republican and not be a raving wingnut and/or billionaire brat. Huntsman was neither. Which often made me wonder what the hell he was even doing in the Republican Party.

“Our campaign for the presidency ends, but our campaign for a (better) American continues,” Huntsman declared. “I believe it is now time for our party to unite around the candidate best equipped to defeat Barack Obama. Despite our differences and the space between us on some of the issues, I believe that candidate is Gov. Mitt Romney.” – CNN

It was sort of my impression that uniting in the traditional sense meant not having any differences. But, whatever. Romney will ultimately rule the party through fear and brutality like Moe did with the other Stooges. As with Tim Pawlenty I always felt that Huntsman was just too fundamentally decent a guy for this kind of thing.

I’m sure there was some kind of Greco-Mormon wrestling going on behind the scenes as well. My guess is that Romney had to come and beat the Brigham Young out of Huntsman like De Niro bashing that guy over the head in THE UNTOUCHABLES. In fact looking at that picture I get this image of Huntsman laying on the ground sobbing with his pants around his ankles while a naked Mitt lights a cigarette and mutters “Quit cryin’, you belong to me now.”

And one wonders if Huntsman wasn’t offered something in return for his endorsement like a cabinet post or a bunch of virgins. Or Mormon dollars. Or whatever. Money is pretty much all Romney has and is the only reason he’s gotten this far. Without it I think he’d be just another Max Headroom impersonator.