Posts Tagged ‘Donald Trump

20
Jan
17

I’LL BE BACK

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I was changing my youngest child’s shit filled diaper this morning when I suddenly started thinking about Donald Trump. It’s his inauguration day. He’s the President now. He’s in charge. He’s in the captain’s chair. That mail order bride he married is First Lady.

But then again I thought “Eh, fuck him.” And why not? That’s what he thinks of me. And you. And the guy next door dying of Gulf War Syndrome (who probably voted for him). And the unemployed drunk down the road who used to work at the mill (who probably voted for him). And the morbidly obese woman who never married and hates the gays (who probably voted for him). And that religious guy in the neighborhood everyone goes out of their way to avoid (who probably voted for him).

I started Magnus Greel shortly after Obama entered office. Eight years of Bush (not that one, the other one) didn’t drive me to blog. It took a President I actually liked and respected taking office for me to realize that the resistance doesn’t have the luxury of waiting until the bad guys take over. Sooner or later the bad guys always take over. And sooner or later the bad guys either fuck up or are defeated. If the resistance doesn’t have their shit together then other bad guys take over.

Those of you who have followed this site know I have done this many times over the years. Those of you who haven’t, well, pay closer fucking attention. You’re not doing anything important.

“My fellow Americans. How does it feel? How does it feel to finally have the yoke of ultimate oppression removed from your necks? It’s over. I’m done. The scary black man is out of office. I know all you white folks out there are happy. Not normal white folks. Special white folks. Those other white folks that the normal white folks don’t like associating with.

For eight years I put up with your shit. Paul Ryan. Mitch McConnell. John Beener. Or Boner. Whatever. Who fucking cares. Nothing but “Nazi” this and “Soviet” that. Funny that the guy you just elected is both of those fucking things. Anyone see his birth certificate? No. No, you never even fucking asked. He’s rich and he’s white so, gee, he must be from ‘Merica. For all you know he could be from fucking South Africa. And yes, there are white people from South Africa. Not that the special white people in America would know that. You’ve never looked at a map. Or read a book. Or seen an opioid you didn’t crush and snort like there’s no tomorrow.

I like how the special white people in America think that the jobs should come to them. For everyone else in the history of the world, normal white people included, one had to go where the work was. But not you. You’re special. Not sure why. But what the hell. I’ll go with it. Let’s imagine a world that revolves around you.

I see a fucking McDonald’s on every corner. Check cashing places and payday advance outfits. I see repo men and debt collectors having a grand old time taking back that American made truck that no longer works. Yeah. Welcome to your brave new world. I see Twinkies for your kids at lunch. At home. Not at school. Ha ha ha ha! There’s no fucking school lunches. Everyone is on their own. Hooray. Don’t tread on me. And when you get sick, because you eat like shit and don’t exercise, I see you blaming liberal ideas like universal healthcare. And when your children grow up functionally retarded because they’ve been taught that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, that gravity isn’t real and that space travel makes Jesus angry… well, you probably won’t even notice. Because special white people don’t change. They just keep on reproducing. Like roaches.

Well, I hate to shatter this wonderful dream of diabetes and foreclosure. But, I’m not going anywhere. And there isn’t shit you can do about it. I’m not in office anymore. I don’t need your vote anymore. I don’t need your approval. I don’t even need you to like me. I just need you to understand that you don’t live in the country you think you live in. And every time you turn on the TV, which you do like it’s a bodily function, there I’ll be. Smiling at you. Waving at you. Giving you the goddamned finger.

You never got me down, folks. You never got me down.”

 

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13
Jan
17

GO AWAY, OR DONALD TRUMP SHALL TAUNT YOU A SECOND TIME

dontrumpfart

In the opening scene of MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL, King Arthur and his Knights of Camelot find themselves at the gates of a French castle. Seeking help on their quest for the Holy Grail they are subjected to crude taunts, childish behavior and eventually a hail of small animals and even a cow. As I watched Donnie Boy’s first press conference since becoming President-elect I couldn’t help but notice the similarities. The American news media was basically playing the part of dopey establishment clowns banging coconuts together while Trump perched high on his tower telling them that their fathers smelt of elderberries.

“Well, that sure escalated quickly.

“That” was Donald J. Trump’s inaugural news conference as a duly elected United States president-to-be, in which he called BuzzFeed a “failing pile of garbage,” dismissed CNN as “fake news” and more or less told the whole lot of reporters at Trump Tower to stuff it when it comes to his unreleased tax returns because everyday Americans don’t care and, anyway, “I won.”

There were two big lessons in the Wednesday morning melee.

1. Mr. Trump remains a master media manipulator who used his first news briefing since July to expertly delegitimize the news media and make it the story rather than the chaotic swirl of ethical questions that engulf his transition.

2. The news media remains an unwitting accomplice in its own diminishment as it fails to get a handle on how to cover this new and wholly unprecedented president.

It better figure things out, fast, because it has found itself at the edge of the cliff. And our still-functioning (fingers crossed) democracy needs it to stay on the right side of the drop.” – THE NEW YORK TIMES

What the hell are you talking about, man? We’re not at the edge of the cliff. We’re on the floor of the flaming pit below. Or lake of feces. I think the Methodists believe something about a lake of feces. Maybe it’s the Quakers. I don’t know. This really isn’t my area. The point being that the media in America long ago went over a cliff. The poor sods at that press conference have basically become that kid you kept inviting to parties in high school just so you could make fun of him. Trump is basically that asshole wearing a letterman jacket who threatens to fight anyone who makes fun of his acne.

On the other hand, who the hell am I to sit here and talk about Trump’s behavior? You wouldn’t want me up there. Hell no. I’d have shown them my ass or my dick and said something like “I’m sorry, homo says what?” every time they asked me a question. Trump frightens us precisely because at some level he mirrors us. Granted, it’s the very worst of us. But, us nonetheless. Given the opportunity I too would have verbally abused a member of the goddamned Bush family or John McCain. And even though I’m pretty liberal I don’t give a fat shit about what Meryl Streep thinks either.

And no, I have never grabbed a woman anywhere except by the strings of her heart. Fucking perverts.

21
Nov
16

POLITICS IS MAKING YOU CRAZY

24 Hour Power People

Unlike most talking heads and media outlets I wanted to take my time with my post-election piece. The problem with the rapid pace of today’s media is that it has traded substance for speed. The outcome of this election might have been different had many of us stopped taking so much for granted and took the time for critical thinking. It might also have helped if I didn’t walk around the house in a bathrobe. I mean, it wouldn’t have changed anything but I would probably feel like less of a slouch.

With that in mind here’s my list of six things I keep hearing since the election and why I think they sound fucking crazy. I know, I hate list journalism. But it’s the norm now. And if you can’t beat them then join them. Which is actually how I ended up a member of my local Furry hookup group, but I digress. Or do I?

“Democrats need to win back the white working class”

No. Those people are already long gone. The Democratic Party began hemorrhaging them like Sissy Spacek on her period as far back as Nixon. A lot of them came out for Bill Clinton, yes, but in the big picture he was an outlier. He was also highly entertaining which is ultimately what these people respond to. I grew up in a heavily blue collar part of Chicago but my parents were both college graduates as I am now. This is probably why I don’t walk around using words like “nigger” and “faggot”. It’s why I don’t give a damn about sports or church. And when I think we should bomb another country I pride myself on being able to find it on a map. If you think the working class will ever want to come back to the party of education and social progress then you’re out of your fucking mind.

“Hillary was robbed”

No. Hillary was a mediocre candidate at best. She tried to use the exact same playbook she got beaten like a redheaded stepchild with eight years ago. When you have to run as the lesser of two evils then there’s something fundamentally wrong with your candidacy. Consider that Trump won roughly the same number of votes Mitt Romney! won four years ago. Hillary, despite winning the popular vote, still didn’t come close to Obama’s numbers. This tells me that Trump doesn’t represent a new political order. It tells me that the left got lazy because their candidate really did kind of suck. Which brings me to my next point…

“This country is too sexist for a woman President”

To a core group of baby boomer women this election was all about a woman becoming President. To just about everyone else it was about economics. It was about changing demographics and how uneducated white people are reacting to them. It was about a broken immigration system (and yeah, it’s fucking broken). Trump and Sanders were as popular as they were because they represented something new. Just because you’re a woman running for President doesn’t mean you’re an outsider. Hillary screamed establishment. Don’t blame my lack of enthusiasm for her on my alleged sexism. I have a porn collection which is far more indicative of that than my voting record.

“This was a fluke. Just wait for 2018 and 2020”

Look at a map and you’ll see that in 2018 Democrats will be lucky to hold the line. In 2020 most, if not all, of the people who voted for Trump will vote for him again. Donald Trump can get caught on camera raping a little girl and her cat while personally flying Mexican drug dealers over the border on his plane. They’ll still vote for him. Defeating a sitting President isn’t impossible, but it’s going to be very difficult. Probably harder than that meme you’re forwarding to everyone on Facebook would have you believe.

“The internet is no longer a reliable source of information”

People are not reliable sources of information. The internet is composed of people, even the smartest and most educated of whom can be reduced to complete fucking retards in the span of a few tweets. Shit man, it happens to me all the time. This is because most of what’s on the internet is emotion, not information. Which brings me to my final point…

“We didn’t realize just how much anger is out there”

No. You didn’t realize how much ignorance is out there. Most of the anger is just a byproduct. Those of us repulsed by Donald Trump should not spend the next four years trying to “speak the language of these people”. We should call stupid when we see it. Yes, you’re stupid for wanting to build a wall on our border. Yes, you’re stupid for thinking that companies will bring back jobs to middle America, especially when your lack of education is half the reason they left. Yes, you’re stupid for wanting to bomb (insert name of country you know nothing about here). I’m not going to try and understand people who are inherently racist, sexist, xenophobic and morbidly obese. I’m going to focus on beating them. I recommend you do the same.

29
Jul
16

Hillary Clinton Is Coming To Get You

Hillary the Accuser

Whenever I see pictures like this I wonder why we bother having software like Photoshop. And why you would strike a pose like this as a political candidate is beyond me. There’s no good way to use this image. Well, for her. For me on the other hand it’s just the sort of thing that gets me back to blogging after… well, a while. And it is truly sad when the only two people disgusting enough to get me back to Greel are a mass murdering Norwegian lunatic and Hillary Clinton.

Clinton officially became the Democratic nominee for President last night. And, for some odd reason, she decided to finish her acceptance speech by impersonating Donald Sutherland from INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. The Washington Post caption for this picture was “Hillary Clinton acknowledges the crowd”. No human being has ever acknowledged another human being this way outside of the Spanish Inquisition.

But enough about Hillary’s old man scrotum photo appeal. I didn’t fire this bad boy up just to make jokes about how un-telegenic she is. Or about how crazy he is and how wrong we all were about him. Or about how beyond insane this election is. You don’t need me for any of that. Magnus Greel was never here to tell you something you didn’t know, unless it was about my masturbating habits or my once empassioned romance with Michele Bachmann.

People who have read this site have been asking why I’m not right in the thick of this whole circus. “This election is like nothing before! Why aren’t you blogging about this?” Well, that’s the thing: this election is just like every one before it. Just because the candidates are historically unpopular doesn’t change the fact that this is the same demented kabuki theater we are forced to sit through every four years. And just like with every election before we are all getting played like an air guitar at a Metallica concert.

There is nothing shocking, different or rebellious about Donald Trump. Anyone who has ever spent more than ten minutes with a white man whose education tops out at the 12th grade has heard all of this before. Border walls. Bombing “the hell” out of people. The “Moslems”. Fart and dick jokes. All of it. Donald Trump is a conservative. This is what conservatives sound like.

As for Bernie, well, it was a noble effort. Even though it was never going to work and he was clearly as surprised as anyone that his campaign got as far as it did. But even he was a scripted character in this bizarre play. He was meant to elevate our sense of hope and excitement. Like an appetizer at a shitty restaurant. The main course sucks but you’re all eager and hungry from the hors d’oeuvres so you just swallow it down anyway. Then get blinding drunk and hope you don’t puke.

Drinking and puking is, of course, what brings me to Hillary Clinton. Because that’s what we’re all going to be doing for four years if she gets elected. Nobody is excited for this person to become President. Well, a few people are. Madeleine Albright and that woman who was married to Christian Bale’s dad seem to be excited. But, at their age, making it to and from the shower without the obligatory hip breaking probably gets them excited. And don’t try and tell me that I should be excited. Or happy. Or okay with it because, you know, Trump.

And yes, one is just as bad as the other. Meryll Streep and Oprah Winfrey can run around shouting and cheering like communications majors on spring break all they want. My liberal and progressive friends can post all the witty, researched and intelligent arguments they want on social media. The Clinton Campaign can blind and deafen me with images and testimonials about what a really caring and great lady she is.

This sucks and you know it.