Posts Tagged ‘Fat Pants



24 Hour Power People

Unlike most talking heads and media outlets I wanted to take my time with my post-election piece. The problem with the rapid pace of today’s media is that it has traded substance for speed. The outcome of this election might have been different had many of us stopped taking so much for granted and took the time for critical thinking. It might also have helped if I didn’t walk around the house in a bathrobe. I mean, it wouldn’t have changed anything but I would probably feel like less of a slouch.

With that in mind here’s my list of six things I keep hearing since the election and why I think they sound fucking crazy. I know, I hate list journalism. But it’s the norm now. And if you can’t beat them then join them. Which is actually how I ended up a member of my local Furry hookup group, but I digress. Or do I?

“Democrats need to win back the white working class”

No. Those people are already long gone. The Democratic Party began hemorrhaging them like Sissy Spacek on her period as far back as Nixon. A lot of them came out for Bill Clinton, yes, but in the big picture he was an outlier. He was also highly entertaining which is ultimately what these people respond to. I grew up in a heavily blue collar part of Chicago but my parents were both college graduates as I am now. This is probably why I don’t walk around using words like “nigger” and “faggot”. It’s why I don’t give a damn about sports or church. And when I think we should bomb another country I pride myself on being able to find it on a map. If you think the working class will ever want to come back to the party of education and social progress then you’re out of your fucking mind.

“Hillary was robbed”

No. Hillary was a mediocre candidate at best. She tried to use the exact same playbook she got beaten like a redheaded stepchild with eight years ago. When you have to run as the lesser of two evils then there’s something fundamentally wrong with your candidacy. Consider that Trump won roughly the same number of votes Mitt Romney! won four years ago. Hillary, despite winning the popular vote, still didn’t come close to Obama’s numbers. This tells me that Trump doesn’t represent a new political order. It tells me that the left got lazy because their candidate really did kind of suck. Which brings me to my next point…

“This country is too sexist for a woman President”

To a core group of baby boomer women this election was all about a woman becoming President. To just about everyone else it was about economics. It was about changing demographics and how uneducated white people are reacting to them. It was about a broken immigration system (and yeah, it’s fucking broken). Trump and Sanders were as popular as they were because they represented something new. Just because you’re a woman running for President doesn’t mean you’re an outsider. Hillary screamed establishment. Don’t blame my lack of enthusiasm for her on my alleged sexism. I have a porn collection which is far more indicative of that than my voting record.

“This was a fluke. Just wait for 2018 and 2020”

Look at a map and you’ll see that in 2018 Democrats will be lucky to hold the line. In 2020 most, if not all, of the people who voted for Trump will vote for him again. Donald Trump can get caught on camera raping a little girl and her cat while personally flying Mexican drug dealers over the border on his plane. They’ll still vote for him. Defeating a sitting President isn’t impossible, but it’s going to be very difficult. Probably harder than that meme you’re forwarding to everyone on Facebook would have you believe.

“The internet is no longer a reliable source of information”

People are not reliable sources of information. The internet is composed of people, even the smartest and most educated of whom can be reduced to complete fucking retards in the span of a few tweets. Shit man, it happens to me all the time. This is because most of what’s on the internet is emotion, not information. Which brings me to my final point…

“We didn’t realize just how much anger is out there”

No. You didn’t realize how much ignorance is out there. Most of the anger is just a byproduct. Those of us repulsed by Donald Trump should not spend the next four years trying to “speak the language of these people”. We should call stupid when we see it. Yes, you’re stupid for wanting to build a wall on our border. Yes, you’re stupid for thinking that companies will bring back jobs to middle America, especially when your lack of education is half the reason they left. Yes, you’re stupid for wanting to bomb (insert name of country you know nothing about here). I’m not going to try and understand people who are inherently racist, sexist, xenophobic and morbidly obese. I’m going to focus on beating them. I recommend you do the same.




Fall Into the Gap

At this point in my life I’ve pretty much accepted that every time I buy shoes, rent a DVD or put gas in my car I’m killing people somewhere in the world. Seriously, you can’t even buy a fucking banana anymore without knowing that someone is getting machine-gunned to death in the jungle or being gang-raped on a bus. And what the hell am I supposed to do? I need shoes. And bananas. And poorly produced entertainment.

Well, I don’t need those things but not buying them is just the first step on a slippery slope to becoming the next Unabomber or David Koresh. So, in a very odd but quite realistic way I’m saving more lives than I’m taking. In that respect I’m basically Jesus.

“The death toll from Bangladesh’s worst industrial accident has passed 1,000 people, as recovery teams continue to find more bodies in the wreckage.
The eight-storey Rana Plaza factory building, in Dhaka, collapsed on 24 April, with an unknown number inside.
The authorities say about 2,500 people were injured in the accident and 2,437 people were rescued…
…The Rana Plaza building had housed a number of garment factories. A number of officials – including the building owner – have since been arrested and charged with causing deaths by negligence.
Protesters have taken to the streets calling for the death penalty for the owner, and garment workers have alleged that they were forced to work in the building despite cracks appearing on the walls.
Bangladesh has one of the largest garment industries in the world, and some of the clothes produced in the Rana Plaza building were made for Western retailers.” – BBC NEWS

Conservatives will probably just shrug this off as the cost of doing business. Liberals will probably want to scream at anyone wearing clothes or jewelry. Personally, I think we should bomb Bangladesh. Hanoi style. Like, with everything we have. Just fucking level the place. And then offer no explanation whatsoever. When people at the United Nations express outrage we should give them a blank stare and say “Nice shoes.” And then bomb them too. Then bill them for the cost of our munitions and our time. Seriously, someone has to pay for that shit. We’re not running a charity over here.

It is generally accepted that it’s better to be feared as opposed to being loved. Looking around the world today I’m left with the distinct impression that we’re not loved. Certainly not by people who die in the process of making pants for the obese or making sure your cell phone doesn’t have scratches on it. We might as well be feared. Although, we Americans have trouble drawing a distinction between being feared and being hated. So, we just kind of do both. That’s why America is so awesome. Everyone wins here.