Posts Tagged ‘Hillary Clinton




In the recent film STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Han Solo is murdered by his own son, Ben. Most people I know feel the tragedy was the death of one of science fiction’s most iconic characters. For me, the truly sad part was that up until the very last moment Han Solo really believed everything was going to be okay. He really believed that, despite the glaring evidence to the contrary, Ben was going to just give up his lightsaber and come home. That he wasn’t going to gut his father like a fish and then more-or-less get on with his day.

I guess that’s the same way I view all the people who were convinced, right up until the very last moment, that the Electoral College was going to elect anyone other than Comrade Trump.

“Millions of Americans who consider Mr Trump unfit to occupy the Oval Office have signed an online petition calling for Republican electors not to vote as directed by their state’s popular ballot.

Some have posted electors copies of founding father Alexander Hamilton’s writings in his Federalist Papers, which state that the meeting of the electoral college “affords a moral certainty, that the office of President will never fall to the lot of any man who is not in an eminent degree endowed with the requisite qualifications”.

A handful of Democratic electors are so desperate to stop Mr Trump that they have even offered to vote against Hillary Clinton and unite with the other electors behind a consensus Republican candidate.” – BBC NEWS.

Look, folks, I can’t claim to be the voice of sanity and reason. Or even decency. I’m probably not even going to make you feel any better by reading this site. My motto has always been “Standing watch on the frontline between reality and bullshit”. Or “Seeing the world with painful clarity”. Or maybe it has something to do with Freemasons and a male hooker. I forget. And I forget what my point was going to be. Pot is legal now in California so THC is going to be my close, personal friend for at least the next four years. But something tells me I’m going to forget stuff…

At any rate just take a deep breath and relax. Have a seat. Put on some Chuck Wild (seriously, if you have small children you need to get heavily into the Chuck Wild). Burn one. Pour one. And just listen to me very, very carefully.

The odds are that the next four years will be the darkest and most painful you have ever experienced. We’ll see a ray of hope with the next elections. It will be something to coalesce around but I have no idea how they will turn out. And even then, they’re just elections. It doesn’t change the fact that we share a country with people who are lethally stupid. And they’re all fucking excited now so they’re going to rub this shit in your face every chance they get. And we’ll try the “they go low, we go high” shit for a while. Until we realize that politics is a street fight, not tryouts for the fucking debate team.




24 Hour Power People

Unlike most talking heads and media outlets I wanted to take my time with my post-election piece. The problem with the rapid pace of today’s media is that it has traded substance for speed. The outcome of this election might have been different had many of us stopped taking so much for granted and took the time for critical thinking. It might also have helped if I didn’t walk around the house in a bathrobe. I mean, it wouldn’t have changed anything but I would probably feel like less of a slouch.

With that in mind here’s my list of six things I keep hearing since the election and why I think they sound fucking crazy. I know, I hate list journalism. But it’s the norm now. And if you can’t beat them then join them. Which is actually how I ended up a member of my local Furry hookup group, but I digress. Or do I?

“Democrats need to win back the white working class”

No. Those people are already long gone. The Democratic Party began hemorrhaging them like Sissy Spacek on her period as far back as Nixon. A lot of them came out for Bill Clinton, yes, but in the big picture he was an outlier. He was also highly entertaining which is ultimately what these people respond to. I grew up in a heavily blue collar part of Chicago but my parents were both college graduates as I am now. This is probably why I don’t walk around using words like “nigger” and “faggot”. It’s why I don’t give a damn about sports or church. And when I think we should bomb another country I pride myself on being able to find it on a map. If you think the working class will ever want to come back to the party of education and social progress then you’re out of your fucking mind.

“Hillary was robbed”

No. Hillary was a mediocre candidate at best. She tried to use the exact same playbook she got beaten like a redheaded stepchild with eight years ago. When you have to run as the lesser of two evils then there’s something fundamentally wrong with your candidacy. Consider that Trump won roughly the same number of votes Mitt Romney! won four years ago. Hillary, despite winning the popular vote, still didn’t come close to Obama’s numbers. This tells me that Trump doesn’t represent a new political order. It tells me that the left got lazy because their candidate really did kind of suck. Which brings me to my next point…

“This country is too sexist for a woman President”

To a core group of baby boomer women this election was all about a woman becoming President. To just about everyone else it was about economics. It was about changing demographics and how uneducated white people are reacting to them. It was about a broken immigration system (and yeah, it’s fucking broken). Trump and Sanders were as popular as they were because they represented something new. Just because you’re a woman running for President doesn’t mean you’re an outsider. Hillary screamed establishment. Don’t blame my lack of enthusiasm for her on my alleged sexism. I have a porn collection which is far more indicative of that than my voting record.

“This was a fluke. Just wait for 2018 and 2020”

Look at a map and you’ll see that in 2018 Democrats will be lucky to hold the line. In 2020 most, if not all, of the people who voted for Trump will vote for him again. Donald Trump can get caught on camera raping a little girl and her cat while personally flying Mexican drug dealers over the border on his plane. They’ll still vote for him. Defeating a sitting President isn’t impossible, but it’s going to be very difficult. Probably harder than that meme you’re forwarding to everyone on Facebook would have you believe.

“The internet is no longer a reliable source of information”

People are not reliable sources of information. The internet is composed of people, even the smartest and most educated of whom can be reduced to complete fucking retards in the span of a few tweets. Shit man, it happens to me all the time. This is because most of what’s on the internet is emotion, not information. Which brings me to my final point…

“We didn’t realize just how much anger is out there”

No. You didn’t realize how much ignorance is out there. Most of the anger is just a byproduct. Those of us repulsed by Donald Trump should not spend the next four years trying to “speak the language of these people”. We should call stupid when we see it. Yes, you’re stupid for wanting to build a wall on our border. Yes, you’re stupid for thinking that companies will bring back jobs to middle America, especially when your lack of education is half the reason they left. Yes, you’re stupid for wanting to bomb (insert name of country you know nothing about here). I’m not going to try and understand people who are inherently racist, sexist, xenophobic and morbidly obese. I’m going to focus on beating them. I recommend you do the same.


Are You There God? It’s Me, Debbie.

The Wasserschmidt

There is a scene in the film DEADPOOL in which the title character finds himself captured by a mutant named Colossus. Deadpool can heal. So fast that it’s impossible to kill him. But Colossus is a man who can turn into steel and, in doing so, becomes virtually indestructible. He takes Deadpool by the hand and leads him away. Deadpool responds by sawing his own hand off, spraying blood across Colossus’ face and looking into the camera to say “Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.”

The joke has little to do with the actual Judy Blume book ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT’S ME, MARGARET. Except, perhaps, for the splattering period blood reference. Which I suppose you could make funny without the reference to a 45 year old book. Some jokes are just timeless that way. Like the one about the ugly but rich girl who takes a bad rap for her best friend, an admittedly no better looking, equally rich yet way more popular girl (I’m so over hyphens at this point) and ends up suffering for it.

“Even after a humiliating defenestration that left her sidelined the day before the Democratic convention began — the convention that she had helped plan for the candidate she had worked so loyally and doggedly to nominate — Debbie Wasserman Schultz would not be denied her moment.

Ms. Wasserman Schultz, who resigned as chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee on Sunday after an embarrassing email leak, nevertheless kept a full schedule, attending caucus meetings and delegation gatherings and meeting with Jewish Democrats. On Thursday night, she wore a bright blue sleeveless dress with a big “H” button affixed to it. And when Mrs. Clinton took the stage, Ms. Wasserman Schultz beamed, looking anything but self-pitying.

Yet this has not been the week Ms. Wasserman Schultz had hoped she would have in Philadelphia. It began with the leak of emails from the Democratic National Committee’s servers that showed her staff taking Mrs. Clinton’s side in her drawn-out primary fight with Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, a disclosure that enraged Mr. Sanders’s already disgruntled supporters.

Still, Ms. Wasserman Schultz tried to press ahead.” The New York Times

Yeah, this isn’t the joke I remember. The one I was going to tell ended with this Schultz person walking barefoot across a bunch of snot covered thumbtacks. Or there’s another version where she has a car door and is about to walk across the desert. I definitely haven’t heard the version where she rigs an election and then just sort of goes on with her life driving the Magic School Bus. Or whatever the hell it is she does.

And no shit she “tried to press ahead”. I often try to “press ahead”. Especially when where I’m standing is somewhere I don’t want to be. Now that I think about it I “press ahead” on a daily basis. Almost hourly. One time, when I was doing like 100 miles an hour through somebody else’s neighborhood, a cop tried to stop me. I nevertheless “tried to press ahead”. I got shot. Fucking tasered. I didn’t get off because my likeness had been used for 90’s era Chelsea Clinton blowup sex dolls (look at her picture and tell me I’m wrong).

But that seems to be the theme of this election: getting away with shit right in front of everyone and then expecting to be rewarded anyhow. Hillary should just put that on her fucking website along with a picture of her giving us the finger with the words “And you’ll fucking do it” scrawled beneath her.  And will I indeed “fucking do it”? You know, take one for the “team” and vote for Hillary? Truth is, I’m not sure.

Needless to say I’ll never vote for Trump. But that doesn’t mean I have to vote for Clinton. Oh, I’ll vote. Maybe I’ll vote Green, which I think has something to do with St. Patrick’s Day. I’m not sure. Or those guys who want to bring back the Wild West. I forget their names but what the hell. Is Lyndon LaRouche still a thing? Anyway, the problem Hillary faces is this: I already hate Donald Trump. But, I never thought in a million years I would find myself wondering if I hate her more. And while I’m not there yet, I can only say that every time I see that specimen up there smiling in the audience I get a little closer.

Because right now I feel a lot like Deadpool. And Hillary is Colossus dragging me off to some place I don’t want to go…




Hillary Clinton Is Coming To Get You

Hillary the Accuser

Whenever I see pictures like this I wonder why we bother having software like Photoshop. And why you would strike a pose like this as a political candidate is beyond me. There’s no good way to use this image. Well, for her. For me on the other hand it’s just the sort of thing that gets me back to blogging after… well, a while. And it is truly sad when the only two people disgusting enough to get me back to Greel are a mass murdering Norwegian lunatic and Hillary Clinton.

Clinton officially became the Democratic nominee for President last night. And, for some odd reason, she decided to finish her acceptance speech by impersonating Donald Sutherland from INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. The Washington Post caption for this picture was “Hillary Clinton acknowledges the crowd”. No human being has ever acknowledged another human being this way outside of the Spanish Inquisition.

But enough about Hillary’s old man scrotum photo appeal. I didn’t fire this bad boy up just to make jokes about how un-telegenic she is. Or about how crazy he is and how wrong we all were about him. Or about how beyond insane this election is. You don’t need me for any of that. Magnus Greel was never here to tell you something you didn’t know, unless it was about my masturbating habits or my once empassioned romance with Michele Bachmann.

People who have read this site have been asking why I’m not right in the thick of this whole circus. “This election is like nothing before! Why aren’t you blogging about this?” Well, that’s the thing: this election is just like every one before it. Just because the candidates are historically unpopular doesn’t change the fact that this is the same demented kabuki theater we are forced to sit through every four years. And just like with every election before we are all getting played like an air guitar at a Metallica concert.

There is nothing shocking, different or rebellious about Donald Trump. Anyone who has ever spent more than ten minutes with a white man whose education tops out at the 12th grade has heard all of this before. Border walls. Bombing “the hell” out of people. The “Moslems”. Fart and dick jokes. All of it. Donald Trump is a conservative. This is what conservatives sound like.

As for Bernie, well, it was a noble effort. Even though it was never going to work and he was clearly as surprised as anyone that his campaign got as far as it did. But even he was a scripted character in this bizarre play. He was meant to elevate our sense of hope and excitement. Like an appetizer at a shitty restaurant. The main course sucks but you’re all eager and hungry from the hors d’oeuvres so you just swallow it down anyway. Then get blinding drunk and hope you don’t puke.

Drinking and puking is, of course, what brings me to Hillary Clinton. Because that’s what we’re all going to be doing for four years if she gets elected. Nobody is excited for this person to become President. Well, a few people are. Madeleine Albright and that woman who was married to Christian Bale’s dad seem to be excited. But, at their age, making it to and from the shower without the obligatory hip breaking probably gets them excited. And don’t try and tell me that I should be excited. Or happy. Or okay with it because, you know, Trump.

And yes, one is just as bad as the other. Meryll Streep and Oprah Winfrey can run around shouting and cheering like communications majors on spring break all they want. My liberal and progressive friends can post all the witty, researched and intelligent arguments they want on social media. The Clinton Campaign can blind and deafen me with images and testimonials about what a really caring and great lady she is.

This sucks and you know it.



Congressman Issa

Apparently, there’s a place in Libya called Benghazi. And apparently something terrible happened there. This much I know for sure. And coincidentally that also marks the limits of my actual concern on the matter. Of course if you ask Republican Congressman Darrell Issa, the story is a whole lot more complex and insidious. Apparently before, during and after the attack Barack Obama did, uh, something. Apparently Hillary Clinton said something to someone who then went and did… something else. Apparently ninjas were also involved. D.B. Cooper as well. And Bigfoot. He was there too.

Then again, even if I had the opportunity I probably wouldn’t ask Darrell Issa anything. I take it as a given in life that people like him have nothing to tell me that I don’t either A) already know or, B) already know is crazy. But, hey, the guy is a congressman. So he gets to go on TV and talk about whatever the fuck he wants.

“Former Ambassador Thomas Pickering, who co-led the independent inquiry into Benghazi, was incredulous on Monday at Rep. Darrell Issa’s (R-Calif.) suggestion that then-CIA director David Petraeus was likely just carrying the White House’s water in the aftermath of the terrorist attack.

“I think that’s all crazy,” said Pickering in an interview with The Huffington Post on Monday. “Have you ever talked to David Petraeus? He’s nobody’s slave. He’s a very independent guy.”

Issa, who is chairman of the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee, appeared on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday along with Pickering. The congressman continued to argue that the Obama administration altered its talking points and tried to cover up the fact that top officials knew a terrorist attack had occurred in the immediate aftermath.” – THE HUFFINGTON POST

Issa has been a frequent critic of President Obama for a while now. And it’s kind of sad to watch him cling to this Benghazi thing like he’s David and he’s convinced he finally found the rock he’s going to slay Goliath with. Even though it’s probably just going to make him the butt of every late night joke for years. For their own part, President Obama and Hillary Clinton have openly dismissed the whole Benghazi thing as bullshit. And you know what? Most people seem to agree with them.

“PPP’s newest national poll finds that Republicans aren’t getting much traction with their focus on Benghazi over the last week. Voters trust Hillary Clinton over Congressional Republicans on the issue of Benghazi by a 49/39 margin and Clinton’s +8 net favorability rating at 52/44 is identical to what it was on our last national poll in late March. Meanwhile Congressional Republicans remain very unpopular with a 36/57 favorability rating…

…One interesting thing about the voters who think Benghazi is the biggest political scandal in American history is that 39% of them don’t actually know where it is. 10% think it’s in Egypt, 9% in Iran, 6% in Cuba, 5% in Syria, 4% in Iraq, and 1% each in North Korea and Liberia with 4% not willing to venture a guess.” – PUBLIC POLICY POLLING

Of course they don’t know where the fucking place is. Look at the caliber of person we’re talking about. These are people who listen to Bill O’Reilly and Rush Limbaugh and take them seriously. These are people who listen to country music by choice. These are people who looked at Mitt Romney! and said “Well, at least he ain’t the black guy”. So it doesn’t really surprise me that they’re functionally illiterate and could be easily goaded into believing a fairy tale.

But, hey, I give that 4% who wouldn’t venture a guess a lot of credit. It takes courage to admit you’re stupid. Not as much courage as educating yourself or trying to see past your own hatred of a black President so you can have rational conversations with the rest of society. But, you know, baby steps.




It seems appropriate to usher in the New Year with a nod to my 300th post on this site. It’s kind of hard to believe that I’m still doing this. I haven’t stuck to anything this long since that time I forced myself to jerk off to one of Jane Fonda’s workout videos. And now that I think about it I’m not really sure why I did that. Hey, cut me some slack. I was like ten.

I do want to thank all of you for reading. Since I started this site two-and-a-half years ago I’ve watched my site traffic steadily increase from all over the world. Even in countries where they don’t speak English. Which is strange. But, what the hell. I also want to thank everyone who has commented at one time or another. Feedback is always cool even when it’s people hurling insults or epithets at me. Seriously, check out my piece on the fucking Dog Whisperer which brought out every dog owning shut-in and social retard on the internet. And they’re still commenting to this day. But, that’s all Kool and the Gang. Being hated is like being eye-banged by gay dudes. I mean, I’m not into guys or anything but the attention really does do my ego some good.

At any rate, I’ve been off for the last week or so and didn’t do much blogging over the holidays. The world, however, kept on turning and so here’s what I should have written about last week but didn’t. Because I was drunk.



Well, to be more accurate, everyone who thought they understood what the Mayan calendar meant was full of shit. Nevertheless, it’s kind of sad that something as impressive and ancient as the Mayan Calendar will now be remembered along with Y2K and that crazy guy who said we were all going to die on May 21st of 2011. Then again I believe that most things end not with a bang but a whimper. So, in actuality, it’s possible that the seeds of our ultimate demise were quietly sewn on December 21st.



After waving their dicks at the average American and giving the finger to poor people, the GOP ended up doing exactly what they swore up and down they’d never do: raise taxes on rich people. And those spending cuts they wanted? Those didn’t happen after all. Talk about taking it in the ass (which is funny because I’m pretty sure Eric Cantor is a bottom). Still, I think defeat is healthy for them. Well, it’s healthy for me because I laugh myself silly every time conservatives fail at something. So needless to say I laugh a lot. Like, constantly.

Then they turned around and refused to pass the Hurricane Sandy aid relief bill. Because that’ll show those… well, I’m not exactly sure who they thought they were exacting revenge on by doing that. People whose houses were demolished or businesses which are now literally gone I suppose. And they seriously still want to put armed gun nuts in every school in America to prevent other armed gun nuts from shooting people. Perhaps the solution is to just put all the gun nuts in a football stadium and let them shoot it out.



This probably comes as little surprise to anyone. But, what is a surprise is that he’s still, you know, not hanging from a fucking gas station awning in Damascus with about a dozen bullet holes in his corpse. The latest United Nations estimate on the death toll in Syria tops out at 60,000. When you have to kill everyone in your country to stay in power it kind of defeats the purpose I think. Seriously, why is this asshole still breathing? Give me a gun. I’ll go kill him myself for Christ’s sake. Oh yeah. I live in America. I can pretty much get a gun anywhere regardless off my questionable mental state. Very well then, Bashar. Tonight. You.



After launching rockets and missiles everywhere and even executing a guy with a fucking mortar round to prove he has a penis, North Korea’s child leader says he wants to end all this bad noise with South Korea and let everyone be friends again. Well, in his world, everyone getting along means they all do what he tells them to do. I can respect that. That’s what I tell police officers when they try to write me a “ticket” for “speeding”.



I have long labored under the belief that the only things capable of killing Hillary Clinton were ancient spells or knives made of alligator teeth. As it turns out those are the only things which make her sexually aroused. After headbutting a table the soon-to-be former Secretary of State and possible Presidential contender (yeah, and I’m a possible pervert) was found to have a blood clot near her brain. And here I was thinking it was just another lame excuse not to sleep with me.



Wild Rice

I had this post written on Friday but never put it up. And I almost feel like today still isn’t the day for my schtick. On the other hand I’m not going to let some asshole who lights up an elementary school keep me from changing the way I do things. The goal of a terrorist is to terrorize and, frankly, the only thing I find terrifying are those drunken 2 AM phone calls from Hillary Clinton. Seriously, lady, that was like five years ago. Get over it. Bill and I both did.

Speaking of Hillary Clinton being drunk and falling down our outgoing Secretary of State is recovering from a concussion this week. There were the usual explanations of “exhaustion” and “dehydration” but we all know what that really means. Just like when rock stars and actors crash their cars or get kicked off of airplanes for being “exhausted” and “dehydrated” when in reality they were just shit-stinkingly drunk. I’d be boozing it up too after four years in the relatively thankless job of being America’s top diplomat. Of course the battle to succeed her has been underway for some time now and it recently saw its first casualty.

“The decision by United Nations ambassador Susan Rice to withdraw her name from consideration as President Obama’s next Secretary of State sent shockwaves through Washington Thursday evening.

Rice, as anyone watching the political battle over her potential nomination knows by now, had come under fire from Senate Republicans for comments she made earlier this fall on Sunday morning talk shows about the attacks in Benghazi, Libya. Sens. John McCain, Lindsey Graham and Kelly Ayotte seized on the issue and promised a difficult confirmation for Rice to the job of chief diplomat. In the aftermath, Rice chose to withdraw her name, saying in a letter to the president that “I am now convinced that the confirmation process would be lengthy disruptive and costly—to you and to our most pressing national and international priorities.” – THE WASHINGTON POST

Rice herself took to the op-ed page of the Washington Post to explain her decision. And while I agree that it’s unfair she didn’t at least get to interview for the job she shouldn’t get too wounded about it. Secretary of State is a position for people who are, you know, already famous. Colin Powell. Condaleeza Rice. Hillary Clinton. You’re going to be America’s top diplomat. Best that people know you better than just as “that Benghazi woman”. And yeah, anybody with a brain in their skull knows this whole Benghazi thing is just bullshit. Republicans at this point would make hay out of THE HOBBIT if it gave them something to feel good about.

For now it seems Senator John Kerry is heading for that job. Rice being upset at not getting it is like some runner-up from American Idol getting mad because Paul McCartney is fronting the upcoming Nirvana reunion and not them. And yeah, that is happening. And no, I can’t picture Paul jumbly jangling his way through RAPE ME or TERRITORIAL PISSINGS either. But he’s Paul Fucking McCartney. I’m sure he could be part of a Public Enemy reunion if he wanted. And now I can’t stop doing PE lyrics in his voice. Christ, my whole day is shot.