Posts Tagged ‘Hitler

18
Mar
16

can a nazi get a table dance?

kojak clean

Every now and then I take a moment to think about the worst possible thing I could ever do. Angrily masturbating in front of a cancer patient. Tackling a quadriplegic. Fucking Hillary Clinton. I don’t actually do it because I’m not crazy. And, yes, we’re allowed to use the word “crazy”. I feel comfortable with the word “crazy”. If I had to compare myself to someone who killed 77 people in one day I would probably use words like “crazy” and not lose a whole lot of sleep over it.

“Mass killer Anders Behring Breivik claimed in court on Tuesday that Norway was violating his human rights by keeping him in isolation for murdering 77 people in 2011, but irritated the judge at the start of proceedings with a Nazi salute.

Clean-shaven and wearing a black suit, white shirt and golden tie, Breivik raised his right arm in a flat-handed Nazi-style salute on arrival at the court, slightly different from the outstretched arm and clenched fist he used in 2012.

His lawyer initially said Breivik considers himself a national socialist, or Nazi, and that the gesture was “the worst thing you can do in a courtroom”. He later suggested it was an old Norse gesture.

Judge Helen Andenaes Sekulic was not pleased either way. She told Breivik not to repeat the salute when court proceedings resume on Wednesday.”REUTERS

No, actually, the “worst thing you can do in a courtroom” is complain to a judge about how you’ve been treated in prison after killing 77 people. In one day. The fucking salute is just icing on the cake at that point. And whatever the Vikings had in mind I’m sure it didn’t involve a lonely, heavily armed man with nothing but an internet connection and a copy of Mein Kempf. Or maybe it did. Fuck if I know. At any rate he might as well have pretended to pull a quarter out of the bailiff’s ear or goose stepped around the courtroom screaming about how Anne Frank was a myth.

So what are these cruel and inhumane conditions he’s being kept in? I mean, I’m guessing that a guy who killed 77 people (in one day) is forced to sleep on spikes and spend his days being chased by bleeding AIDS victims, right? Tell me I’m right…

“Breivik’s lawyer, Oeystein Storrvik, accused Norway of violating a ban on “inhuman and degrading treatment” under the European Convention on Human Rights by keeping the 37-year-old isolated from other inmates in a special three-room cell.

“There is no tradition in Norway for this type of isolation,” he told the special court that will meet until Friday in a gymnasium at Skien jail about 100 km (60 miles) south of Oslo.

Norway rejects the charges of inhuman treatment.

“Breivik is a very dangerous man,” said Marius Emberland, the lawyer representing the state, defending Breivik’s conditions.

He said another prisoner tried to attack Breivik last year, getting to within earshot. When stopped by guards, the man shouted: “You are a killer, a child killer … And I love my country,” Emberland said.

will meet until Friday in a gymnasium at Skien jail about 100 km (60 miles) south of Oslo.”

A “special three-room cell”? That’s not isolation. That’s an apartment in jail. My first place was a studio and I didn’t kill anybody. And of course he’s a “very dangerous man”. He killed 77 people. In one day. He’s probably in isolation to protect everyone else in the prison. And the planet. He’s obviously the closest thing the real world will ever have to a Marvel villain. That guy who got close enough to yell at him (which, apparently, is the worst thing that can happen to you in a Norwegian prison. After you kill 77 people. In one day) must be a total badass. He’s probably a mutant. Or just a guy comfortable being in jail in Norway. I think I would be comfortable in jail in Norway.

On that note, “you are a child killer and I love my country” is lame prison smack. I mean it would make a killer title for a metal album. Or a cool bumper sticker. Hell, now that I think about it, I’m going to confront people at random on the street and scream it at the top of my lungs.

 

 

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04
Mar
13

WALMART IS GOING TO HELP RUN THE GOVERNMENT NOW…

Wally Walmart

I’ve never actually set foot inside a Walmart. I’m not only proud of that I’m also kind of smug about it. Truth is, though, I rarely find myself needing cheap plastic shit that’s going to fall apart or give me cancer. Or a country music CD. Or exposure to the lower rungs of society’s ladder. So I don’t shop there. But, hey, to each their own, right? I love that expression. I like to use it when I take a crap in a women’s bathroom or someone accuses me of giving them a disease.

Soon, however, everyone in America (and the world by extension) will be forced to engage in Walmart economics. Why is that? Because for some reason I have yet to figure out, President Obama has decided to open the gates of our government to let the enemy come inside and run things. This is either a brilliantly masterful tactic, the logic of which will become clear later, or the most unbelievably horrible thing ever to happen to us as a country. Frankly, I could go either way.

“Sylvia Mathews Burwell will be nominated Monday by President Barack Obama to be the director of the Office of Management and Budget, a senior Obama administration official said.

Burwell, 47, is currently the head of the Walmart Foundation, the retail chain’s charitable organization. The organization donated nearly $1 billion to causes worldwide in 2011, according to its website.

If confirmed by the Senate, she will assume a Cabinet-rank position as head of the White House agency that assists the president on budget matters.

While it may not have the profile of jobs such as secretary of state or secretary of defense, the OMB position is a central part of a president’s administration. One example of its importance is the rise of Jack Lew, who held that job before becoming White House chief of staff and now treasury secretary.” – CNN

Some people maintain that the private sector does things more efficiently. I respectfully disagree. Well, in my world “respectfully” can involve anything from obnoxious laughter and mockery to outright indecent exposure. The whole reason we have a government is to protect us from the chaos and anarchy of the free market. Not make nice with it. And I understand that my point of view is a rather unique one. At least that’s what a psychologist once told a judge and the charges against me got dropped.

But, whatever. People in this country are like the guy from MEMENTO sometimes. They forget that just four years ago people like Burwell helped drive this country right into the fucking ditch. Putting her in charge of the nation’s budget is like a rape victim choosing her assailant as her new gynecologist. Burwell might as well show up to her confirmation hearings wearing a ski mask and waving a butcher knife. And yeah, I also find it laughable that Walmart has a charitable wing. But, hey, so does Hezbollah and the KKK. Even the largest retail chain in the world has to try and look nice. And try to make an invasive assault seem like something really cool and positive.

“Walmart CEO Mike Duke congratulated Burwell on her upcoming nomination, calling her “a strong leader who both masters the details and has a clear vision for making big things happen.”

“She cares deeply about people (and) she understands business and the role that business, government and civil society must play to build a strong economy that provides opportunities and strengthens communities across the country,” Duke said in a statement.”

A statement like that would be pretty reassuring if it came from a regular person. But, it came from the CEO of Walmart. So other than the fact that it’s probably a bunch of bullshit it’s kind of frightening at the same time. Even Hitler made the invasion of Poland sound like a great idea. And he also had a “clear vision for making big things happen”. And, yes, I realize that Hitler references are a cheap and lazy way to make a point. Eh, fuck it. It’s Monday.

28
Feb
13

GLORIA STEINEM KNOWS WHAT’S BEST FOR YOU

Gloria Steinem

In all probability you have no idea who Gloria Steinem is. Unless, of course, you’re old enough to remember sexism.  At best, you’ve probably heard the name. No, she wasn’t Hitler’s girlfriend or the original Laurie on THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY. She’s actually one of the pioneers of the early feminist movement. Although I’ll bet you didn’t know that she’s also Christian Bale’s stepmother. Which, if you ask me, is the most interesting thing about her. BATMAN is way cooler than the long struggle for gender equality. You know I’m right.

But, hey, apparently being Christian Bale’s stepmother is grounds enough to be invited onto TV talk shows. And you know what? By golly she just knows a thing or two about everything. Including how you and your spouse or partner should handle doing chores around the house. Which she’s probably never done herself seeing as she married a rich guy who then promptly died.

Still, Steinem cruised by to chat with Marlo Thomas recently and, shockingly, offered her opinions on a variety of topics.

“How can you convince your male spouse to pitch in and help with household chores? Feminist activist Gloria Steinem weighed in when she visited me on Mondays With Marlo. The first thing she said? Don’t do the chores! You’ll make the point that these duties should be shared. Approach the topic with humor, but if you’re working outside the home, the household chores should be divided.” – THE HUFFINGTON POST

Yeah. Groundbreaking stuff. It never occurred to me to share things in my marriage. Like at meals, for example, I’ve always just licked all the food on my wife’s plate before she can start eating. Or, like when I dive into bed ahead of her, sprawl out and scream “There’s no room for you! You’re so fucking selfish! Go away!” Man, thanks to Gloria I can finally see what I’ve been doing wrong. Us average people really don’t know shit, do we? You can check out the video here. But, to be honest, I wouldn’t blame you in the least for not doing that.

Actually, I’ve already lost interest in what Gloria had to say. Now that we’re mentioning Christian Bale I kind of want to watch AMERICAN PSYCHO again. That movie was awesome. Although I’m sure it resulted in some interesting Thanksgiving dinner conversation in the Steinem-Bale household. Damn. Now I’m hungry for turkey and stuffing. Maybe I’ll cook some while I watch PUBLIC ENEMIES and steal my wife’s pain medication for her back injury.

Granted, I have no fucking clue who Marlo Thomas is. I think she’s famous for being in that TWO GIRLS, ONE CUP video. Or maybe she fucked Bobby Kennedy. I don’t know. I’m sure I could find the answer quite easily on the internet but somehow I just can’t bring myself to care. And to be honest not knowing who she is makes this piece all the more entertaining. So I’m just going to go with that.

05
Dec
12

PEOPLE ARE STILL LISTENING TO GEORGE BUSH

Little Boy Man

And for some odd reason George Bush is still talking. And not, you know, hiding somewhere in shame for pissing and shitting all over our country and the world for eight years. I’m actually surprised Bush hasn’t just snuck out to the garage by now, locked himself in the car, put on some Foghat, fired up the engine and taken a slow ride to oblivion. But, no. Like an aggressive foot fungus he keeps popping up when you least expect it. Christ, this asshole will probably live to be 100.

“Former President George W. Bush says as the U.S. debates immigration policy, he hopes “we do so with a benevolent spirit and keep in mind the contribution of immigrants.”

Bush on Tuesday opened a conference on the benefits of immigration hosted by the George W. Bush Institute and the Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas.

One of the Bush Institute’s focuses is economic growth. The conference is part of an institute initiative to find ways for the U.S. to achieve 4 percent gross domestic product growth.

Bush notes that a book the institute released over the summer on achieving 4 percent GDP included chapters on the importance of immigrants to growth.

Bush says immigrants come with “new skills and new ideas” and also “fill a critical gap in the labor market.” – THE WASHINGTON TIMES

A guy who started two completely pointless wars is the last person to be talking about a “benevolent spirit” with regards to anything. And I have no idea what in the hell the George W. Bush Institute for kids Who Can’t Read Good and Want to Do Other Stuff Good Too is but I’m sure it’s retarded. I mean, look who we’re talking about here.

Bush’s comments are, taken by themselves, fairly grounded in reality. Immigration is a positive thing when it comes to economics. But, hey, every now and then even my five-year-old makes a good point. And I love him beyond words. But, I’m still not going to ask his advice when it comes time to balance the checkbook or pay bills or plan for a financial future. Because that would be silly.

I understand that conservatives, who are still reeling from a major electoral defeat just a month ago, would want to go back and study their last success as a way forward. But I think they’re barking up the wrong tree here. I mean, Hitler and Mussolini were successful politicians but you don’t see Germany and Italy going back to look at them for ideas on how to run a country. Just saying. And yes, I know that when Hitler is mentioned the legitimacy of the discourse pretty much goes out the window. But, if you’re coming to this site for anything even vaguely resembling legitimate discourse then I actually kind of feel sorry for you.

24
May
11

THE FOOD INDUSTRY IS WORRIED ABOUT YOU

I was just saying the other day that if there’s one thing missing from modern science it’s corporate influence. Granted, I was talking to myself in the checkout line at the grocery store. In German.

“Nestle SA, the world’s biggest food group, agreed to buy U.S. gastrointestinal diagnostics firm Prometheus Laboratories for an estimated $1.1 billion as part of the Swiss group’s drive into health sciences. Nestle said Prometheus, which is expected to have annual sales of around $250 million in 2012, makes tests to help doctors diagnose conditions such as inflammatory bowel diseases (IBD), including Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis.

Nestle, maker of Nescafe coffee, KitKat chocolate bars and Maggi soup, hopes Prometheus’s sales force will push its hospital nutrition products like Peptamen and Novasource.

“The combined entity will be able to leverage the products and geographic presence in gastrointestinal diagnostics. We see that acquisition as a decisive step for Nestle,” he said. Luis Cantarell, head of Nestle’s health science unit created at the beginning of the year, said the company hoped to develop personalized nutrition offerings with Prometheus’s diagnostics and expected the buy to accelerate its own research.” –  REUTERS

It seems only fitting that a single business entity should now own my food and the shit it turns into. And why is a company that makes fucking KitKat bars driving into “health sciences?” What’s wrong with just making candy? What in the hell is “gastrointestinal diagnostics”? Certainly, not something I would want the maker of my goddamn candy bar getting involved with.

Basically, the same company giving us bowel cancer is now going into the business of studying and treating it. Which I suppose makes sense from a financial perspective. Like when I started a business counseling the same people I had only moments earlier robbed at knifepoint. I made good money but none of my clients ever got better. And then the police had issues and I had to move. It was a classic tale of the American dream being crushed by big government.

Anyway, you have to wonder what grand designs a candy company would have on the world. My own personal theory as to why they are doing this involves fast women, murderous cyborgs and a surprise ending that leaves you totally blown away. But, it probably just has more to do with people who are so wealthy and bored that they can play Monopoly with real money.

Nestle is so rich and powerful it could probably kidnap you, surgically attach your face to someone else’s ass and then feed him nothing but cheap chocolate. They could keep you imprisoned in a cage somewhere in the middle of nowhere for years on end, a twisted and tormented victim of a deranged scientific experiment. Who would stop them? Who would ever know what happened to you?

Think about that the next time you ask for hot chocolate.

22
Apr
11

STOP MAKING IT SOUND LIKE A WAR

I like to think of myself as a fairly intelligent person. I know when I read a headline that says “HUCKABEE BLASTS GLENN BECK” it’s just an exciting way to describe mundane political discourse. I know that Mike Huckabee wasn’t actually hanging out the window of a speeding car spraying Glenn Beck’s house with a Mac-10.

And I could spend all morning giggling about how funny that would look. So I’m going to write something quick here and then pretty much go back to doing that. Here’s the actual exchange between Beckabee:

“Beck also compared Huckabee to Arizona GOP Sen. John McCain on his radio show Tuesday, labeling both as progressives, because of Huckabee’s vocal support for Michelle Obama’s anti-obesity initiatives.

“I think Mike Huckabee is the one, if you are somebody who understands progressives are on both sides of the aisle, I think Mike Huckabee is John McCain,” he said.” – CNN

After that withering salvo, Huckabee blasted back.

“But Huckabee, who’s name has been floated as a possible contender for the GOP presidential nomination, took to his PAC blog Thursday to blast Beck in response, saying, “This week Glenn Beck has taken to his radio show to attack me as a progressive, which he has said is the same as a ‘cancer’ and a ‘Nazi.’ What did I do that apparently caused him to link me to a fatal disease and a form of government that murdered millions of innocent Jews?” – CNN

This recent flare up between Huckabeck is, more than likely, a contrived PR stunt to generate excitement amongst the conservative base of the GOP going into 2012. All the more reason to use violent and militaristic language in the headlines. And you know it’s officially an election season when Nazi references make their first appearance.

In all fairness to the news industry, it’s probably hard enough getting attention with action-packed language as it is. And this is the lamest smack talk ever. What’s more, I’m sure my own life would sound downright goddamn exciting if I just changed the way I described it to people.

Yesterday, for example, I took fire from Visa for not paying my bill. I reloaded and blasted back with a totally bullshit story about the post office near my house being shut down because of an Anthrax scare. Then, my wife came home and took aim at me because of the laundry pile in our living room which had been there for like two weeks. I returned fire by pretending to have early Alzheimer’s and crapping my pants.