Posts Tagged ‘Indecent Exposure

13
Jan
17

GO AWAY, OR DONALD TRUMP SHALL TAUNT YOU A SECOND TIME

dontrumpfart

In the opening scene of MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL, King Arthur and his Knights of Camelot find themselves at the gates of a French castle. Seeking help on their quest for the Holy Grail they are subjected to crude taunts, childish behavior and eventually a hail of small animals and even a cow. As I watched Donnie Boy’s first press conference since becoming President-elect I couldn’t help but notice the similarities. The American news media was basically playing the part of dopey establishment clowns banging coconuts together while Trump perched high on his tower telling them that their fathers smelt of elderberries.

“Well, that sure escalated quickly.

“That” was Donald J. Trump’s inaugural news conference as a duly elected United States president-to-be, in which he called BuzzFeed a “failing pile of garbage,” dismissed CNN as “fake news” and more or less told the whole lot of reporters at Trump Tower to stuff it when it comes to his unreleased tax returns because everyday Americans don’t care and, anyway, “I won.”

There were two big lessons in the Wednesday morning melee.

1. Mr. Trump remains a master media manipulator who used his first news briefing since July to expertly delegitimize the news media and make it the story rather than the chaotic swirl of ethical questions that engulf his transition.

2. The news media remains an unwitting accomplice in its own diminishment as it fails to get a handle on how to cover this new and wholly unprecedented president.

It better figure things out, fast, because it has found itself at the edge of the cliff. And our still-functioning (fingers crossed) democracy needs it to stay on the right side of the drop.” – THE NEW YORK TIMES

What the hell are you talking about, man? We’re not at the edge of the cliff. We’re on the floor of the flaming pit below. Or lake of feces. I think the Methodists believe something about a lake of feces. Maybe it’s the Quakers. I don’t know. This really isn’t my area. The point being that the media in America long ago went over a cliff. The poor sods at that press conference have basically become that kid you kept inviting to parties in high school just so you could make fun of him. Trump is basically that asshole wearing a letterman jacket who threatens to fight anyone who makes fun of his acne.

On the other hand, who the hell am I to sit here and talk about Trump’s behavior? You wouldn’t want me up there. Hell no. I’d have shown them my ass or my dick and said something like “I’m sorry, homo says what?” every time they asked me a question. Trump frightens us precisely because at some level he mirrors us. Granted, it’s the very worst of us. But, us nonetheless. Given the opportunity I too would have verbally abused a member of the goddamned Bush family or John McCain. And even though I’m pretty liberal I don’t give a fat shit about what Meryl Streep thinks either.

And no, I have never grabbed a woman anywhere except by the strings of her heart. Fucking perverts.

18
Jul
11

APPARENTLY, MISSILES ARE NOT DANGEROUS

So I had to work today, all day, and I got up extra early to post something this morning. But, the internet didn’t work. And while I’m sure it was just a coincidence there is a part of me that feels that my internet provider is out to get me. I mean, they had all day to fuck up and they chose the one time I needed internet access. What other conclusion am I supposed to come to?

At any rate, since my mind usually wanders while I’m at work, I’ve had all day to think about this one. And if you think that makes me a lazy employee, well, check this out:

“Romanian officials have reassured the public after the theft of more than 60 missile warheads from a train. The warheads were taken from a railway car carrying military equipment to neighbouring Bulgaria on Saturday. Officials said the stolen warheads could not be detonated because they were in component form without explosives.

Investigators say the missiles could have been stolen for their scrap metal value. Romanian media said when the freight train stopped in Giurgiu, southern Romania, it was found that doors on the railway car had been forced and four boxes of 16 warheads stolen. Officials are investigating how the theft could have happened while the consignment was being guarded by paramilitary police.

Romanian officials close to the investigation told two daily newspapers that the warheads did not contain explosives. Romanian police spokesman Florin Hulea also reassured the public, saying the warheads posed no risk.” – BBC NEWS

Although I’m not a military expert I’m going to speak rather definitively on the issue and say that nobody steals fucking missiles for scrap metal. People steal missiles to fire them. Usually at buildings or people. And, yes, without warheads they are indeed harmless. Until someone puts warheads in them. At which point they become pretty goddamn dangerous.

I’m also not an expert on Romanian paramilitary police. Yet it strikes me that their inability to guard a train full of missiles either means they’re a bunch of fucking idiots or they were somehow involved. And what do they care? They’re Romanians. Nobody wants to fire missiles at them.

Finally, and this is the part I really hate, don’t tell me that there’s no risk. I hate it when I’m told there’s no risk when something incredibly risky happens. “Stolen missiles” kind of goes up there with “nuclear meltdown” and “financial collapse” with respect to things which are really fucking bad news no matter how you spin it.

This actually reminds me that I would like to reassure all of the women I’ve slept with over the years that these lesions on my groin are nothing to worry about and pose no risk. Also, to the bus full of autistic adults I drunkenly exposed myself to, there’s nothing to worry about. I mean I know I said some pretty heinous stuff while I had my dick out and was making devil horns with my fingers. But, that was just drunk talk and nothing personal. So, you know, quit whining.

12
May
11

TALK TO THE HAND

It’s a really slow news day today. Like, agonizingly slow. Bin Laden is in the news more now than he was when he was alive. Oil executives are whining to Congress about how unfair it is to be obscenely wealthy and have unparalleled access to the levers of power. And apparently there’s a television show called “American Idol” in which people with learning disabilities and various mental illnesses sing and dance to entertain has-been pop stars and record executives.

I have what I consider to be my nuclear option on days like this. Well, there are several. I can post the various prank phone calls I have made on behalf of my readers… and risk being sued. I can dig through my hard drive for old letters and faxes I have sent over the years. Or, take pictures of my penis and throw them up online with the words HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN? written above and then leave a phone number which actually belongs to a woman named Irene in Pasadena.

But, before I resorted to exposing myself I took one last look through the news and found something I thought was kind of interesting. I know. I wanted to see my dick too.

“WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange now makes his associates sign a draconian nondisclosure agreement that, among other things, asserts that the organization’s huge trove of leaked material is “solely the property of WikiLeaks,” according to a report Wednesday.

“You accept and agree that the information disclosed, or to be disclosed to you pursuant to this agreement is, by its nature, valuable proprietary commercial information,” the agreement reads, “the misuse or unauthorized disclosure of which would be likely to cause us considerable damage.”

WikiLeaks is not known to have sold any of its leaked material, though Assange has discussed the possibility in the past. The organization announced in 2008 that it was auctioning off early access to thousands of e-mails belonging to a top aide to Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez, but the auction ultimately fell apart.” – WIRED

I’m all for Wikileaks in theory. Governments and corporations should live in fear of their darkest secrets and misdeeds being exposed. And like most people I love the idea of the underdog taking down the, uh, overdog? I don’t know. Whatever. You know what I mean.

The problem with Wikileaks and it’s Narcissist-in-Chief Julian Assange (seriously, how in the hell do you pronounce that? I keep saying “Ass Sandwich”) is that they have yet to tell us anything we didn’t already know or suspect. I have read just about everything they have thrown up online and none of it is really news to me.

Of course even more confusing is why this information was kept secret in the first place. Did someone actually look at Afghanistan and say “Wow. This place is a dump. These people are idiots. We’d better not let this get out”? And what exactly would emails from Hugo Chavez tell us? That while claiming to be a true socialist he’s actually amassing a huge personal fortune at the expense of his own people?

And of course there’s the irony of Wikileaks clinging to its own internal secrecy. And the fact that it got leaked. And even more ironic than that is the fact that the entire time you’ve been reading this you’ve been picturing my crank on a wanted poster. You sick little twist you. Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.