Posts Tagged ‘Jesus

20
Jan
17

I’LL BE BACK

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I was changing my youngest child’s shit filled diaper this morning when I suddenly started thinking about Donald Trump. It’s his inauguration day. He’s the President now. He’s in charge. He’s in the captain’s chair. That mail order bride he married is First Lady.

But then again I thought “Eh, fuck him.” And why not? That’s what he thinks of me. And you. And the guy next door dying of Gulf War Syndrome (who probably voted for him). And the unemployed drunk down the road who used to work at the mill (who probably voted for him). And the morbidly obese woman who never married and hates the gays (who probably voted for him). And that religious guy in the neighborhood everyone goes out of their way to avoid (who probably voted for him).

I started Magnus Greel shortly after Obama entered office. Eight years of Bush (not that one, the other one) didn’t drive me to blog. It took a President I actually liked and respected taking office for me to realize that the resistance doesn’t have the luxury of waiting until the bad guys take over. Sooner or later the bad guys always take over. And sooner or later the bad guys either fuck up or are defeated. If the resistance doesn’t have their shit together then other bad guys take over.

Those of you who have followed this site know I have done this many times over the years. Those of you who haven’t, well, pay closer fucking attention. You’re not doing anything important.

“My fellow Americans. How does it feel? How does it feel to finally have the yoke of ultimate oppression removed from your necks? It’s over. I’m done. The scary black man is out of office. I know all you white folks out there are happy. Not normal white folks. Special white folks. Those other white folks that the normal white folks don’t like associating with.

For eight years I put up with your shit. Paul Ryan. Mitch McConnell. John Beener. Or Boner. Whatever. Who fucking cares. Nothing but “Nazi” this and “Soviet” that. Funny that the guy you just elected is both of those fucking things. Anyone see his birth certificate? No. No, you never even fucking asked. He’s rich and he’s white so, gee, he must be from ‘Merica. For all you know he could be from fucking South Africa. And yes, there are white people from South Africa. Not that the special white people in America would know that. You’ve never looked at a map. Or read a book. Or seen an opioid you didn’t crush and snort like there’s no tomorrow.

I like how the special white people in America think that the jobs should come to them. For everyone else in the history of the world, normal white people included, one had to go where the work was. But not you. You’re special. Not sure why. But what the hell. I’ll go with it. Let’s imagine a world that revolves around you.

I see a fucking McDonald’s on every corner. Check cashing places and payday advance outfits. I see repo men and debt collectors having a grand old time taking back that American made truck that no longer works. Yeah. Welcome to your brave new world. I see Twinkies for your kids at lunch. At home. Not at school. Ha ha ha ha! There’s no fucking school lunches. Everyone is on their own. Hooray. Don’t tread on me. And when you get sick, because you eat like shit and don’t exercise, I see you blaming liberal ideas like universal healthcare. And when your children grow up functionally retarded because they’ve been taught that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, that gravity isn’t real and that space travel makes Jesus angry… well, you probably won’t even notice. Because special white people don’t change. They just keep on reproducing. Like roaches.

Well, I hate to shatter this wonderful dream of diabetes and foreclosure. But, I’m not going anywhere. And there isn’t shit you can do about it. I’m not in office anymore. I don’t need your vote anymore. I don’t need your approval. I don’t even need you to like me. I just need you to understand that you don’t live in the country you think you live in. And every time you turn on the TV, which you do like it’s a bodily function, there I’ll be. Smiling at you. Waving at you. Giving you the goddamned finger.

You never got me down, folks. You never got me down.”

 

11
Jun
13

VAGINAS ARE DANGEROUS… OR SOMETHING…

Gender Equality

I was going to post this last week but my free time just got away from me. Which happens a lot when you’re a stay-at-home parent. Which is all Kool and The Gang. I like doing what I do. When it comes to my boys I’m the best childcare money can buy. Well, that would imply that I get paid for this. Which I don’t. Even though I should. And, yes, I am aware that women have been making this point for years. But, now I’m making it so from my perspective it’s kind of official.

One of the bigger stories of the past week or two, government spying and conservative paranoia (and also spying) aside, is the revelation that women are the main or sole breadwinners now in some 40% of American households. “Breadwinner” is a term I’ve never been in love with especially since I got off wheat. “Beer and Bongload winner” is a lot cooler and, to be honest, I think more relevant for most of us. At any rate this finding touched off a firestorm of controversy with (hold your breath) social conservatives decrying this as the end of our civilization and the destruction of America and the annihilation of Jupiter and… whatever. And apparently working moms aren’t winning any popularity contests with the country as a whole.

“The Pew Research Center made headlines this week, with the release of a report showing that mothers are now breadwinners in fully 40% of American homes. The finding set off a storm of excited debate, even though, in truth, the “new” statistic wasn’t in any sense news: the proportion of breadwinner moms — women who earn as much or more than their partners or are single mothers providing the sole income for their families — actually crossed the 40% threshold back in 2010, as Heather Boushey and Sarah Jane Glynn of the Center for American Progress have previously reported.

What was notable — and surprising and more than a bit disheartening, on its face — was some new information about what Americans seem to feel about all those hard-striving, moneymaking mothers. Researchers Wendy Wang, Kim Parker and Paul Taylor found that a majority of people appear to disapprove of them: 74% of adults say that the increasing number of mothers working for pay has made it harder to raise children, and 51% agree that children are better off if their mother is home and doesn’t hold a job.” – TIME

Also, 51% is the same number of Americans who think Elvis is still alive, that raping a virgin teenager cures AIDS and that space travel is angering the gods. So I take this all very lightly. And the fact that I take it at all is kind of my way of meeting society halfway. As with judges and police officers I’m pretty much doing them a favor just by pretending to listen. Truth is I don’t really give a yak fart what society thinks about anything. I’m not a politician (well, not in any real sense of the word) so I don’t live my day-to-day life according to what some jackass thinks. And if you take a call from an 800 number and answer personal questions asked by a complete stranger then you are pretty much a jackass.

I was raised by a working mother. My wife is a working mother. Which I think is misleading because I can goddamn guarantee you I’m not sitting home jacking off and watching soaps all day. Parenting is hard fucking work. There are days when I am taking care of my kids where I can literally see my life passing by. But, that’s all good in the ‘hood. I’m a dad. I chose my path and if Jesus or whoever has some problem with it they can come tell me to my face. And therein lies another misconception: that men who stay home to raise kids have somehow become “soft” or “feminine”. And I’m sure there’s all kinds of statistics and social research that goes along with that belief. That’s great. You can tell me all about it as I’m beating the living shit out of you.

09
May
13

DON’T WORRY, BANGLADESH IS GOING TO GET YOU YOUR FUCKING UNDERWEAR

 

Fall Into the Gap

At this point in my life I’ve pretty much accepted that every time I buy shoes, rent a DVD or put gas in my car I’m killing people somewhere in the world. Seriously, you can’t even buy a fucking banana anymore without knowing that someone is getting machine-gunned to death in the jungle or being gang-raped on a bus. And what the hell am I supposed to do? I need shoes. And bananas. And poorly produced entertainment.

Well, I don’t need those things but not buying them is just the first step on a slippery slope to becoming the next Unabomber or David Koresh. So, in a very odd but quite realistic way I’m saving more lives than I’m taking. In that respect I’m basically Jesus.

 
“The death toll from Bangladesh’s worst industrial accident has passed 1,000 people, as recovery teams continue to find more bodies in the wreckage.
The eight-storey Rana Plaza factory building, in Dhaka, collapsed on 24 April, with an unknown number inside.
The authorities say about 2,500 people were injured in the accident and 2,437 people were rescued…
…The Rana Plaza building had housed a number of garment factories. A number of officials – including the building owner – have since been arrested and charged with causing deaths by negligence.
Protesters have taken to the streets calling for the death penalty for the owner, and garment workers have alleged that they were forced to work in the building despite cracks appearing on the walls.
Bangladesh has one of the largest garment industries in the world, and some of the clothes produced in the Rana Plaza building were made for Western retailers.” – BBC NEWS

 
Conservatives will probably just shrug this off as the cost of doing business. Liberals will probably want to scream at anyone wearing clothes or jewelry. Personally, I think we should bomb Bangladesh. Hanoi style. Like, with everything we have. Just fucking level the place. And then offer no explanation whatsoever. When people at the United Nations express outrage we should give them a blank stare and say “Nice shoes.” And then bomb them too. Then bill them for the cost of our munitions and our time. Seriously, someone has to pay for that shit. We’re not running a charity over here.

 
It is generally accepted that it’s better to be feared as opposed to being loved. Looking around the world today I’m left with the distinct impression that we’re not loved. Certainly not by people who die in the process of making pants for the obese or making sure your cell phone doesn’t have scratches on it. We might as well be feared. Although, we Americans have trouble drawing a distinction between being feared and being hated. So, we just kind of do both. That’s why America is so awesome. Everyone wins here.

29
May
12

BILL CLINTON IS STILL PRETTY AWESOME

I’m really glad I was alive during the Clinton Administration. I campaigned for him my freshman year of college. For anyone who had lived through eight years of Ronald “Raygun” Reagan and then four years of Bush (not that one, the other one) he was a breath of fresh air. Unless you were conservative or religious or just downright crazy in which case you probably hated him. In which case you probably don’t even read this. So I guess it’s kind of a moot point.

Conservatives, however, are particularly vocal in their dislike for Clinton after he took that picture up there last week. And now they are trying to use it as mud in the upcoming Presidential election in which Bill will probably play a big role in campaigning for Obama. What’s all the fuss about? You guessed it. Vaginas.

“Porn actresses Brooklyn Lee and Tasha Reign posed for a photo with Clinton at a gala fundraiser in Monaco this week, TMZ first reported.

Lee and Reign told TMZ on Thursday that they approached Clinton in the hopes of meeting him and having their photo taken with him. When Secret Service agents repelled their starstruck advances, Clinton then told the agents to call the actresses back, posing for a photo and engaging in brief small talk…

…“It was brief–he’s really, really sweet. I just told him that I loved him, I thought he was a great president, and he just kind of winked and smiled and gave us hugs,” Lee said, describing Clinton as “very sweet and cool about the whole thing.”

The two were uncertain, but hopeful, that Clinton knew who they were–or at least their occupation.

“I kind of feel like he knows,” Lee said. “We hope he likes us and we hope he likes to watch our movies.” Reign concurred: “I have a feeling that everyone watches adult entertainment.” – ABC NEWS

Firstly, yes, everyone likes to watch other people have sex be it on film or through a series of tiny cameras placed in the bedrooms of cheap hotel rooms. Normal people like sex and they don’t cower in fear of it. Some of us like it a little too much. But, frankly, “sex addiction” is like telling someone they breathe too much air or drink too much water.

What the right has yet to learn about Bill is that this line of attack will never work on him. The only people bothered by this would never vote for Obama anyway. Those of us who are already voting Democratic don’t really care. And my guess is that it’s nothing more than a tired chuckle to the middle of the electorate. Personally, the more they try to show me Clinton’s immorality the more I’ve come to love the guy. I think it’s awesome he got a blowjob in the Oval Office. Hell, I’m happy for any married guy with a mouth on his penis. And I want the Commander in Chief of the world’s most powerful military getting laid. Like, a lot.

The fact is that Bill is a player. No, he’s the player. The guy is a total pimp. He’s the closest thing to James Bond that there is in the real world with a License to Bill, if you will. And he makes no illusions about who he is or what turns him on. He ruled the goddamn world for 8 years and nobody can touch him. I can’t even begin to dream about that kind of confidence. If I were in his place I would just punch the first person I see every time I walk into a room. Shit, what are they gonna’ do about it?

14
May
12

CHRISTIANS ARE ANGRY… OR SOMETHING – PART 2

Over the weekend I got an email from a friend of mine back in the midwest. He had seen my post on Friday about angry Christians and gay marriage and wanted to respond to it. He isn’t exactly a staunch conservative but he’s pretty reliably right of center on most things. He has always said he just doesn’t “get” homosexuality but admits it’s really none of his business. And although he’s a regular churchgoer he actually, if not sheepishly, agreed with me that American Christians are doing absolutely nothing for their image over this whole gay marriage debate. Or the birth control debate. Or the evolution debate. And so on and so forth.

However, he wanted to take issue with one aspect of my post and that was my implication that this is a strictly white Christian problem. “Have you seen some of the shit black church leaders have been saying since Obama’s interview?” he wrote. “They sound just as crazy as the white ones. But you and the media, you just don’t have the guts to call them out on it.”

I was being baited, obviously. But the more I thought about it the more I started to realize that he was right. And since I’m sure there are almost no standards of decency I haven’t violated, or groups of people I haven’t offended, I thought “Well shit, why not?”

“About two hours after declaring his support for same-sex marriage last week, President Obama gathered eight or so African-American ministers on a conference call to explain himself. He had struggled with the decision, he said, but had come to believe it was the right one.

The Rev. Joel C. Hunter, the pastor of a conservative megachurch in Florida, is one of the religious leaders President Obama spoke to after announcing his support of gay marriage.

The ministers, though, were not all as enthusiastic. A vocal few made it clear that the president’s stand on gay marriage might make it difficult for them to support his re-election.

“They were wrestling with their ability to get over his theological position,” said the Rev. Delman Coates, the pastor of Mt. Ennon Baptist Church in Clinton, Md., who was on the call.

In the end, Mr. Coates, who supports civil marriages for gay men and lesbians, said that most of the pastors, regardless of their views on this issue, agreed to “work aggressively” on behalf of the president’s campaign. But not everyone. “Gay marriage is contrary to their understanding of Scripture,” Mr. Coates said. “There are people who are really wrestling with this.” – THE NEW YORK TIMES

Well golly. Nobody says you have to agree with The President or the idea of gay marriage or even approve of homosexuality. Although it wouldn’t kill you to find a more substantive argument than the old “scripture” standby. Why can’t people just admit they’re insecure? I mean, that’s really what this is all about.

But, if you think “wrestling” with two men or two women being married is hard, try “wrestling” with continued political marginalization. Because, frankly, that’s where you’re headed. White Christians can afford to be bigoted. They can afford to do and say all those Christiany things that make them sound totally nuts. They can afford to stand up in front of the rest of human civilization and thumb their noses at sanity and reason. There are a hell of a lot more of them and when they walk and talk in unison they get the attention of our elected officials. Sorry guys, but you just don’t have that kind of clout. And frankly, the last thing you need is one more reason for politicians to ignore you.

As an aside, I grew up on the South side of Chicago. I know a thing or two about black churches and people who go to them. One thing I have always admired about them is that they largely keep their views on social issues to themselves. As opposed to white churchgoers who just can’t seem to shut the fuck up. If anything, I see black Christians as a good model of how one keeps their religious views where they belong: in church and in the home. But, lately, I see that changing.

But hey, you know, go with your conscience by all means. Don’t vote for Obama this year. Or don’t vote at all. I’m sure when President Romney is dragging us back to 1950’s America it won’t bother you in the least. You’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you followed your moral compass, even if it helped lead the rest of us off a cliff.

11
May
12

CHRISTIANS ARE ANGRY… OR SOMETHING

I spent four years in a Catholic high school. In my junior year I had an experience that will forever define religion in my eyes. I got into an argument with a girl in my class who was outspokenly conservative on every social issue imaginable. While arguing that she was misreading The Bible and taking it wildly out of context she cut me off in mid-sentence.

“I haven’t read The Bible and I don’t need to.” She said. I marveled at her and replied “Why not?” She sighed, and smiled at me with her crazy Jesus eyes blazing away. “Because, if I have to read the Bible then I’m telling God I don’t trust him”.

Needless to say the argument was over. There was no point in continuing even acknowledging this person or her views. In many respects she ceased to exist as far as I was concerned. Unfortunately, millions of people like her do exist. And man are they pissed off.

“Franklin Graham — son and legatee of Billy Graham, the traditional spiritual advisor to the nation’s presidents — is lashing out at President Obama for his support of gay marriage, saying that Obama has “shaken his fist” at God, and lamenting “a sad day for America.”

Graham, the president and chief executive of the Billy Graham Evangelistic Assn., criticized the president in a statement Thursday, a day after the president told ABC News that his personal belief was that “same-sex couples should be able to get married.”

Graham’s three-paragraph statement, released on the association’s website, noted that voters in his home state of North Carolina had approved a constitutional amendment that allows only heterosexual marriage. Overall, 38 states have adopted some kind of prohibition on gay marriage, and the president said that the states should be able to determine whether to accept homosexual unions.” – THE LOS ANGELES TIMES

So yeah, Christians in America are upset. Again. I forget what it was last week. Probably Iran or women’s suffrage or something. I don’t know. It’s gotten to the point where Christian Conservative America has become this kind of sad spectacle. It used to be funny, watching them get all bent out of shape over condoms and evolution. It used to be kind of cute how they would teach their kids that the earth is only 10,000 years old and that dinosaur bones were put here to test their faith. And it was downright adorable when they would protest military funerals and burn Korans.

But now I look at these people and I find myself depressed over what I’m assuming is the sad state of education and literacy in this country. And mental health. And, judging from the looker in that picture, access to adequate optometric services. Fox News and The 700 Club have produced a generation of Americans so totally dysfunctional and retarded that the rest of society is increasingly hard-pressed to find a place for them. But the problem doesn’t end there.

“The institution of marriage should not be defined by presidents or polls, governors or the media,” Graham continued. “The definition was set long ago and changing legislation or policy will never change God’s definition. This is a sad day for America. God help us.”

Yeah, you know, the last thing you want in a democracy are elected officials and public opinion deciding things. And therein lies the real problem. Gay marriage, birth control, abortion- this is all just window dressing. They are issues kept alive mainly to give the crazy and the stupid something concrete to coalesce around. Less obvious but infinitely more insidious is the Christian view (mirrored in many Muslim countries) that democracy is in direct conflict with god’s will. Sure, when things go their way Christians tolerate it. But, when sanity and reason prevail in an election they start bombing federal buildings and sniping doctors. And I fear that the more time and effort we put into these various social issues, the less we’ll be able to notice and stop the corrosive effect of organized religion on human civilization.

There are basically two kinds of people in the world. First, there are those of us who are capable of thinking and making decisions for ourselves. We have the ability to form our own ideas and look objectively at the world around us. Our minds are, for lack of a better word, free.

Then there are those who need to be told what to think and what to believe. To them, the world is a strange and scary place and without guidance they are helpless. They are easily manipulated by spooky symbolism and bogus moral platitudes. Their entire worldview has been shaped by mythology and superstition. And they are completely and pants-wettingly terrified of the rest of us. And at its core, fear is what religion is really all about.

Finally, you might think it’s a little unfair of me to use this picture when talking about angry Christians. Well, he looks angry to me. And it’s probably a safe bet he’s into Jesus in a big way. So fuck you.

09
Feb
12

RICK SANTORUM WON’T GO AWAY

When I think of Rick Santorum I think of two things. First, I think of a guy who was basically fired from his middle management job but is now applying for the top position at the same company. Secondly, I think about what a creepy fucking human being he is. Usually at that point I decide that I’ve spent too much time thinking about it and I pretty much go and get drunk while I watch the same episode of HARVEY BIRDMAN over and over again.

Santorum’s rise after a triple primary win on Tuesday has finally given him the rotating honor of being frontrunner. And yes, I do believe that he bears an uncanny resemblance to an infamous serial killer. Although that could just be his flesh mask. At any rate, fearing they would end up being served alongside fava beans and Chianti, the people of Minnesota, Missouri and Colorado threw their support behind him.

“A former U.S. senator from Pennsylvania and a staunch social conservative, Santorum became the first Republican White House hopeful to win four of the state-by-state contests to pick a nominee to oppose Democratic President Barack Obama in the November 6 election.

His sweep on Tuesday raised new questions about presumed front-runner Romney, who holds strong organizational and financial advantages over Santorum and the other Republican candidates but has yet to prove he can win over conservatives in the party, who see him as too moderate.

“I provide not the contrast to Mitt Romney, but we provide the conservative contrast that’s the winning one against Barack Obama,” Santorum said at a rally on Wednesday night in Allen, Texas.” – REUTERS

It’s possible that it’s just me and probably is. I don’t know. But, were I in a room alone with Rick Santorum I would keep my hand on my gun. I feel like if I forced him to empty his pockets I’d find a ski mask, rope and a bunch of knives. Maybe a few ears. It’s kind of what makes me largely oblivious to his platform, if he even has one. I know he doesn’t like the gays and there’s something about Iran but whatever. Whenever I see or hear him speak his voice gets drowned out in my head by the sound of GOODBYE HORSES.

Right now the Santormentum is with him. But that could change. And probably will. I don’t know. This primary reminds me of back when I used to watch LOST. I kept waiting for a final answer and never got one. So I started drinking. At any rate he now holds the lead in terms of primary victories but the road to Tampa is a long one. He’ll need cash and lots of it which will be hard to swing because he’s about as realistically Presidential as a dead Laotian man. I don’t know if they have those anymore but if you saw one running for President you’d probably say “Yeah, Santorum’s in way over his head.”