Posts Tagged ‘Mitt Romney

21
Nov
16

POLITICS IS MAKING YOU CRAZY

24 Hour Power People

Unlike most talking heads and media outlets I wanted to take my time with my post-election piece. The problem with the rapid pace of today’s media is that it has traded substance for speed. The outcome of this election might have been different had many of us stopped taking so much for granted and took the time for critical thinking. It might also have helped if I didn’t walk around the house in a bathrobe. I mean, it wouldn’t have changed anything but I would probably feel like less of a slouch.

With that in mind here’s my list of six things I keep hearing since the election and why I think they sound fucking crazy. I know, I hate list journalism. But it’s the norm now. And if you can’t beat them then join them. Which is actually how I ended up a member of my local Furry hookup group, but I digress. Or do I?

“Democrats need to win back the white working class”

No. Those people are already long gone. The Democratic Party began hemorrhaging them like Sissy Spacek on her period as far back as Nixon. A lot of them came out for Bill Clinton, yes, but in the big picture he was an outlier. He was also highly entertaining which is ultimately what these people respond to. I grew up in a heavily blue collar part of Chicago but my parents were both college graduates as I am now. This is probably why I don’t walk around using words like “nigger” and “faggot”. It’s why I don’t give a damn about sports or church. And when I think we should bomb another country I pride myself on being able to find it on a map. If you think the working class will ever want to come back to the party of education and social progress then you’re out of your fucking mind.

“Hillary was robbed”

No. Hillary was a mediocre candidate at best. She tried to use the exact same playbook she got beaten like a redheaded stepchild with eight years ago. When you have to run as the lesser of two evils then there’s something fundamentally wrong with your candidacy. Consider that Trump won roughly the same number of votes Mitt Romney! won four years ago. Hillary, despite winning the popular vote, still didn’t come close to Obama’s numbers. This tells me that Trump doesn’t represent a new political order. It tells me that the left got lazy because their candidate really did kind of suck. Which brings me to my next point…

“This country is too sexist for a woman President”

To a core group of baby boomer women this election was all about a woman becoming President. To just about everyone else it was about economics. It was about changing demographics and how uneducated white people are reacting to them. It was about a broken immigration system (and yeah, it’s fucking broken). Trump and Sanders were as popular as they were because they represented something new. Just because you’re a woman running for President doesn’t mean you’re an outsider. Hillary screamed establishment. Don’t blame my lack of enthusiasm for her on my alleged sexism. I have a porn collection which is far more indicative of that than my voting record.

“This was a fluke. Just wait for 2018 and 2020”

Look at a map and you’ll see that in 2018 Democrats will be lucky to hold the line. In 2020 most, if not all, of the people who voted for Trump will vote for him again. Donald Trump can get caught on camera raping a little girl and her cat while personally flying Mexican drug dealers over the border on his plane. They’ll still vote for him. Defeating a sitting President isn’t impossible, but it’s going to be very difficult. Probably harder than that meme you’re forwarding to everyone on Facebook would have you believe.

“The internet is no longer a reliable source of information”

People are not reliable sources of information. The internet is composed of people, even the smartest and most educated of whom can be reduced to complete fucking retards in the span of a few tweets. Shit man, it happens to me all the time. This is because most of what’s on the internet is emotion, not information. Which brings me to my final point…

“We didn’t realize just how much anger is out there”

No. You didn’t realize how much ignorance is out there. Most of the anger is just a byproduct. Those of us repulsed by Donald Trump should not spend the next four years trying to “speak the language of these people”. We should call stupid when we see it. Yes, you’re stupid for wanting to build a wall on our border. Yes, you’re stupid for thinking that companies will bring back jobs to middle America, especially when your lack of education is half the reason they left. Yes, you’re stupid for wanting to bomb (insert name of country you know nothing about here). I’m not going to try and understand people who are inherently racist, sexist, xenophobic and morbidly obese. I’m going to focus on beating them. I recommend you do the same.

14
Aug
13

THE RACE FOR 2016 IS UNDERWAY

2016 Presidential Race

I’ve been off enjoying the summer these last few weeks. Well, to be perfectly candid, I’ve been enjoying the summer and trying to take care of a pregnant wife. And pregnant women pretty much get what they want when they want it. They’re like society’s ultimate trump card. Nobody fucks with them. A pregnant woman could run naked down the street screaming obscenities and firing an Uzi in the air. Nobody would even think about trying to stop her. And that imagery is strangely erotic to me now that I think about it. At any rate, it’s why I truly believe that every diplomat America sends abroad should be a woman like 6 to 8 months pregnant. Nobody would ever screw with us again.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way let’s get down to business. Or brass tacks, whatever the hell those are. The 2016 Presidential election may be a few years away yet but we live in an era of constant, round-the-clock campaigning in America. Obama’s second term isn’t even a year old but increasingly the lead stories in the news are about the next election. And orgies. At least that’s the case in the kind of media I follow. Anyway, because I had so much fun doing this two years ago I thought that I would do it again. Of course last time around there was an incumbent and only the Republicans had a primary. 2016 will be another one of those double-barreled election years where everyone and their uncle will be climbing over each other to reach the Oval Office. Which means I’ll have twice as much material to work with. To get an idea of how this will go down you can check out the posts I did for the last election here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. Or you can skip it and play video games. I wouldn’t blame you. Nobody reads anymore. Hell, I’m not even reading this as I’m writing it. I’m actually jerking off with one hand and just randomly hitting keys with the other.

Last time I handicapped the candidates based on three criteria: Their chances of winning the nomination, their chances of defeating Obama and the Retard Index. But, I thought this time around I would expand the categories on which I evaluate these people. If nothing else it gives me more opportunities to be crude and offensive.

FUCKABILITY

Let’s face it, ugly people almost never go into politics. Well, they do. But they usually don’t get too far. A candidate’s physical appearance is key to their success especially in the modern media age. And it goes without saying that if I wouldn’t sleep with you I probably won’t even listen to what you have to say. This is why so many teachers, judges and employers have had to tell me things like a 100 times. Get a fucking haircut or put on some lipstick. Make an effort.

WEALTH

Money makes the world go around. It also makes politics go around too. A candidate’s personal wealth, and their access to other people’s money, is a critical factor for winning. But, as Mitt Romney! demonstrated it can also be a political liability. Money can make you out of touch with reality or make your loyalties seem suspect. Or it can just make you look and sound like a dick.

ADHERENCE TO PARTY DOGMA

In the general election the idea is to reach out to the average person (sort of) and try to sound as rational and moderate as possible. But, during the primary most candidates have to demonstrate just how totally fucking crazy they are to make the party base nominate them in the first place. This comes easier to some than others and often a candidate is forced to pretend which brings me to the next factor:

ACTING ABILITY

Politicians, all politicians, are just actors. And we’re just one big audience going to see the same goddamn movie over and over again. A successful candidate will seduce me with their face and make love to me with their words. They’ll sell me a bucket of shit but convince me it’s a waffle cone full of diamonds. Kind of like those people who work at cellphone kiosks in the mall.

THE WHORE SCORE

A successful politician will do anything, anything, to get elected. Sing along with church choirs, walk around in cowboy hats, throw out pitches at ball games, etc. The lower one is willing to sink usually indicates the heights their candidacy will eventually reach. So when you’re eating chicken wings at a truck stop and listening to some jackass vent about immigrants or taxes or something just go somewhere else in your head. Hell, that’s what I do and I’m not even running for anything.

19
Mar
13

THE GOP’S AUTOPSY RESULTS ARE IN

GOP Corpse

Unlike many people on the left I stopped doing victory laps over the 2012 elections quite a while ago. I celebrated, don’t get me wrong. And then I celebrated some more. But, I quickly started looking to the next election cycle. There is a simple truism in politics: there is no definitive election, only the next election. And sometimes I get a little nervous that Democrats and Progressives are still making fun of Mitt Romney! and not gearing up for the next fight.

Republicans are looking ahead to the next battle. Granted, they don’t have a whole lot of positive stuff to dwell on right now. Hope is kind of all they have. And they recently spent millions and millions of dollars to perform an “autopsy” of what went wrong and why in 2012. I could have accomplished this with fifty cents and a chalkboard but, hey, if they want to pointlessly blow their wads then so be it. I actually have a t-shirt that says that.

“An internal review of the Republican Party released Monday concluded that the GOP must reach out to young, minority and women voters to change its current image as the “narrow minded” party of “stuffy old men.”

In the wake of the Republican Party’s election losses in 2012, the Republican National Committee’s “Growth and Opportunity Project” heard from roughly 50,000 people both inside and outside the Beltway about how to put the party back on a winning track.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus unveiled the report on Monday in a speech that called the 2012 election a “wakeup call.”

The 97-page report also recommend that the GOP champion low-income Americans and do a better job of “connecting people to our policies” rather than sounding “like bookkeepers.”

According to the report, focus groups of former Republicans in Ohio and Iowa found that the Republican Party is seen as “scary,” “narrow minded,” “out of touch” and made up of “stuffy old men.”

“The perception, revealed in polling, that the GOP does not care about people is doing great harm to the Party and its candidates on the federal level, especially in presidential years,” the report said. “It is a major deficiency that must be addressed.” – NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

Reince Priebus, which sounds like some kind of anus disorder, has probably the least desirable job in the world right now. And frankly every four years for the last two decades the Republican Party has “autopsied” itself only to find that they suck and suck hard. And then they don’t really do anything different. And they keep on sucking. Round and round and round yet again.

Frankly, this idea that the party can change in any meaningful way is a dead end. I’m sure they feel better by telling themselves that the problem is merely an optical one. And not, you know, the fact that they’re crazy. Or wrong. And as a fairly liberal guy I probably just sound like I’m gloating or something but then you see something like this and you realize that, yeah, Republicans are pretty much fucked for the foreseeable future.

“A CPAC session sponsored by Tea Party Patriots and billed as a primer on teaching activists how to court black voters devolved into a shouting match as some attendees demanded justice for white voters and others shouted down a black woman who reacted in horror.

The session, entitled “Trump The Race Card: Are You Sick And Tired Of Being Called A Racist When You Know You’re Not One?” was led by K. Carl Smith, a black conservative who mostly urged attendees to deflect racism charges by calling themselves “Frederick Douglass Republicans.” – TALKING POINTS MEMO

Jesus, man. Really? Well, shit, I often get mad because people accuse me of being drunk when I quite clearly am. Or if they accuse me of being a pervert because I stand naked in my living room window watching college girls go by. Or that I’m dumb because I spell something wrong. Whatever. I could go on all day. The point is that the Republican Party is composed mostly of billionaires and not-very-bright white guys from… Alabama or something. I really don’t know anymore. But the party cannot change without destroying itself and a simple makeover isn’t going to help. In the end, nobody is going to want to live in your neighborhood while there are pickup trucks parked on the lawn and fat women walking around wearing crop tops.

30
Nov
12

LLOYD BLANKFEIN IS READY FOR YOU TO ASK HIM WHAT HE THINKS NOW

lloyd_blankfein_gi

So who, you might ask, is Lloyd Blankfein? No, he’s not a hairless mouse impersonator although I think he’d be really good at that. He’s actually the chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs. And if we were both at a party and he told me this I would probably just kind of walk away and avoid him for the rest of the night. Asshole.

To be perfectly honest, and not just belligerent, I really don’t understand the fascination our culture has with rich people. I get it: you make and/or were born with a lot of money. That’s all fine and dandy. But I could care less about your views on… just about anything. I don’t read books about you. I don’t watch your reality TV shows. I don’t even really pay that much attention to you when they interview you on the news which seems to happen all the fucking time.

“Stocks shook off their post-election slump Monday, in part because of optimism that the president and Congress will reach a compromise on the nation’s budget by the end of the year.

If they don’t, there will be automatic tax increases and huge cuts in federal spending — that so-called fiscal cliff.

It’s a time bomb, according to Lloyd Blankfein, chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs, and one of the world’s most influential bankers. His message to Washington? Make a deal.

BLANKFEIN: Their job is to make the country function, not to — it’s not a winning game, it’s a get-along game.

PELLEY: Washington playing with fire?

BLANKFEIN: Yes.

An interview with Lloyd Blankfein is as rare as a look inside the Goldman Sachs money machine. He showed us one of seven trading floors at his Manhattan headquarters. Goldman is one of America’s most successful investment banks. It had net earnings of $4.4 billion dollars last year. When we asked Blankfein how to reduce the federal budget deficit, he went straight for the subject politicians don’t want to talk about.

BLANKFEIN: You’re going to have to undoubtedly do something to lower people’s expectations — the entitlements and what people think that they’re going to get, because it’s not going to — they’re not going to get it.

PELLEY: Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid?

BLANKFEIN: You can look at history of these things, and Social Security wasn’t devised to be a system that supported you for a 30-year retirement after a 25-year career. … So there will be things that, you know, the retirement age has to be changed, maybe some of the benefits have to be affected, maybe some of the inflation adjustments have to be revised. But in general, entitlements have to be slowed down and contained.

PELLEY: Because we can’t afford them going forward?

BLANKFEIN: Because we can’t afford them.” – CBS NEWS

But you know who does pay attention to the rich? Our government. Boy oh boy. They almost exclusively talk to the rich. That’s why Captain Stubing up there was kicking it at the White House this week and word has it he met with Congressional leaders also. Hooray. Sounds like a party.

It’s always a constant source of amusement to me when rich people tell the rest of us we need to work more. And expect less. When is Lloyd Blankfein going to work harder? Or, you know, at all? He runs an investment bank. He gets paid millions of dollars to sit in an office and tell people what kind of coffee he wants. Meanwhile, normal people are working themselves to death at multiple jobs and they’re still broke.

Perhaps that’s unfair. I’m sure there’s a really touching story in there somewhere about how Lloyd worked really, really hard to get where he is. There was probably a parent who worked nights at a mill or something so he could go to business school. Then again Ted Bundy and Al Capone both worked really hard to get where they ended up. So it’s kind of a mixed bag.

Meeting with business leaders and guys wearing ties makes sense when you’re trying to get the economy moving again. Of course it might actually be more helpful if the President and Congress met with a big group of unemployed people. Or underemployed, which is kind of worse. Something tells me their point of view is far more relevant in times like these. What does a fucking banker have to contribute to a discussion about unemployment?

If you ask me (and this whole thing where you don’t is really starting to get old and makes me wonder if maybe you don’t have some kind of inadequacy issue) it’s kind of pointless to talk to the rich about anything. They’re rich. They’re not worried about the future. Guys like Lloyd are pretty much set for life. Christ, Mitt Romney! was fucking loaded and he didn’t know crap about anything. Anything. And yet there he was also wining and dining at the White House this week. Or perhaps just whining. Anyway, maybe he and Lloyd will go have drinks later and throw dollar bills at homeless people or urinate on hookers.

I’m just guessing, really. I mean that’s what I would probably do if I were rich. Actually I already do that and I’m definitely not wealthy. So, if there’s a point here I’m not entirely sure what it is. In fact I’m just kind of talking out of my ass. So, you know, I guess Lloyd and I have something in common after all.

12
Nov
12

YOU BROKE WALL STREET’S HEART

 

While many of the liberal blogs and mainstream news outlets are still kicking the corpse of Mitt Romney! I have to say I don’t feel the need to. I’m not gloating at his defeat. I’m relieved, of course. But, it’s over and I’m happy to let him go off and do… whatever the hell it is he does. Maybe he’ll have another kid or buy another car or something. Maybe get a new pair of bulletproof underwear. In the end he’s still rich. He’ll be fine.

However, I still watch closely the things being said by Republicans, conservatives and rich people. Specifically as it pertains to their warning to the American people just before the election which was summed up by Romney himself.

In simpler language: hey, we have all the money in this country, see? You want some of it? You vote for our guy, get it? And Michael- uh, Wall Street made good on its threat the day after Obama’s re-election when it plunged 312 points. Baddaboom!

“It was a tough week to be a financial adviser to rich Republicans.

Plenty of the wealthy fear President Barack Obama’s election victory will lead to another four years of big government, higher taxes on their kind, further big increases in the federal debt, and other policies that could hurt the already limp U.S. economy.

Financial advisers say some clients are vowing to emigrate or convert their seven-figure investment accounts into cash. Some say they will bury cash and gold, while others are simply venting by sending profanity-laced emails that predict civil unrest and economic destruction.

“Some of them are inconsolable,” said John Burke, chief executive of Iselin, New Jersey-based Burke Financial Strategies, who works mainly with small business owners. “I’ve never seen people so upset about anything in politics.” – REUTERS

Admittedly that’s less carrying through with a hit- er, threat than it is an effeminate and childlike tantrum. Of course it isn’t just those guys on Wall Street, at the big banks and who play golf all day who are disappointed in you for exercising your right to vote. Rich people all over the country are making good on their pre-election warning that voting to re-elect Obama would break the economy. Because, you know, things break. Don’t they?

“A coal producer owned by a longtime critic of President Barack Obama‘s energy policies will lay off nearly 160 workers at Illinois and Utah mines, blaming the freshly re-elected president for a “war on coal.”

Ohio-based Murray Energy Corp. said in a statement supplied Friday to The Associated Press that it would give pink slips to 102 workers at its West Ridge Mine in Utah and 54 at its underground mine in the southern Illinois town of Galatia. Both mines are run by Murray Energy subsidiaries…

…”The American people have made their choice,” Murray, a day after the election, told about 50 employees during a prayer, a text of which was provided to the AP by the company. Lamenting the country’s direction and insisting “the takers outvoted the producers,” Murray asked for God’s forgiveness “for the decisions that we are now forced to make to preserve the very existence of any of the enterprises that you have helped us build.” – THE SEATTLE POST INTELLIGENCER

Badda Bing! How you like that, working American? Huh? You gonna’ show some respect now or what? Huh? I gotta’ take away your house too? Oh, crap. Yeah. We already did that. Well hows about I take away your retirement? Oh yeah. We took that too. Well, I can still make life hard on you, get it?

As I said once before, we’re going to tax the wealthy. And even though I somehow managed to turn that issue into a gay rape joke I was pretty serious about it. It’s going to happen. So go ahead and bury your shit in the yard. Lay off your workers out of spite. Drive the stock market into a brick wall out of frustration. Just remember that we can do this the easy way or the admittedly sadistic but nonetheless fun way. I know that sounds crude but that kind of reasoning got me my first date in high school.

06
Nov
12

CHRIS CHRISTIE IS WORRIED THAT YOU MIGHT THINK HE’S CRAZY

 

So it’s Election Day at last. And I know for many of us it could not have come soon enough. I love politics but man I am just sick and tired of this one. I remember a time when the race for President really only went on for a few months. There were a few ads here and there. A debate or two. And then everyone voted. This shit has been going on for over a year now. Just constantly and around-the-clock. Like porn or C-Span.

Something tells me that we’re heading into an era of non-stop campaigning all year round. Every year. All the fucking time. Everybody is always constantly campaigning as opposed to just doing the job they were elected to do. Case in point: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who was effusive in his praise of President Barack Obama when the two leaders toured damage from Hurricane Sandy last week, turned down a request by Mitt Romney to appear with him at a rally on Sunday night in Pennsylvania, The Huffington Post has learned.

Christie’s decision will only add to questions among Republicans about what the governor — who is up for reelection a year from now — is thinking, and why he went out of his way to heap praise on the president, and then refused to appear with Romney.

The Romney rally was held at a farm in Morrisville, Pa., not more than 20 minutes from Trenton, the New Jersey capital. The physical proximity of the event to New Jersey only added to questions in the Romney campaign about why Christie chose not to come.

“You can’t tell me he couldn’t have gone over there for a night rally,” a Romney campaign source told HuffPost.” – THE HUFFINGTON POST

Well, first of all, considering that New Jersey currently looks like it lost a battle with Godzilla it’s not surprising that the governor didn’t drop what he was doing and go campaign with some rich asshole in another state. Mitt Romney! of course is used to people being in his employ and simply doing his bidding. But Christie is not in his employ. And Mitt can’t fire him, as much as I’m sure he’d like to. Poor Mitt. What’s a rich man to do when he can’t fire someone? It’s like taking away Spock’s ability to knock people out with his Vulcan nerve pinch. Then he’s just a mouthy asshole with a stupid haircut.

I also think Arbuckle, er, Christie has got a much larger concern. Up for re-election next year in a heavily Democratic state he probably doesn’t want to be hitching his wagon to the star of a man only slightly less disgusting than a bag full of scrotums. What’s more I think he is smart enough to see that while a spasm of Tea Party enthusiasm got him elected in the first place, he’s going to need to appeal to the more sane people of his state to keep his job. People who don’t cower in fear of the government or immigrants or… whatever.

Yeah, we’re pretty much two solid years into this Tea Party thing and I still could not tell you what they are all about. I mean I’m sure the answers are just a few keystrokes away, but, putting forth the effort to find out would actually make me feel ashamed of myself. And that’s a pretty tall order when you’re me.

01
Nov
12

MITT ROMNEY! WANTS TO BE PRESIDENT BECAUSE HE HATES THE GOVERNMENT…

 

Okay, to completely truthful he wants to be President because he’s rich. And in Conservativeland being rich entitles you to be in charge. God, having to get people to vote for you and actually put forth a coherent and persuasive argument must be such a slap in the face for a man like Mitt Romney! He clearly should just be able to show his bank statement and the grateful serfs of America should worship him and carry him through the streets. Or something like that. Whatever.

Romney’s central argument, and the argument of Republicans in general, is that the government should not be involved in our lives. Unless you’re a woman who’s been raped and finds herself pregnant or, you know, you want to marry another dude or another lady. Or your business depends on government contracts. Or you’re a Republican. Yeah, I don’t try to make sense out of it myself anymore. I’m a little too real for that.

“Mitt Romney went back on the attack here Thursday, lacing into President Barack Obama for not understanding business.

The GOP nominee seized on Obama’s support for a “Secretary of Business” with a new campaign commercial and a fresh line of attack in his stump speech…

…in an interview that aired Monday on MSNBC’s “Morning Joe,” Obama said he would like to have one cabinet secretary oversee sometimes overlapping programs designed to create jobs, boost trade and help small businesses.

“We should have one secretary of business,” the president said. “There should be a one-stop shop.”

Romney suggested that the comment is emblematic of a president who is out of touch and lacks private sector experience.

“Regulators have to see businesses like this as their friends and encourage them and support them. And, by the way, we can’t tax them to death,” he said. “I want to change this dynamic and make business recognize they have a friend in Washington, not a foe.” – POLITICO

I’m just going to go ahead and disagree with Mitt Romney! on this. Big surprise, right? And frankly I voted for Obama (twice now) precisely because he doesn’t understand business. Because I don’t either. And I’m not only proud of that I’m actually kind of smug about it.

Thankfully, however, we don’t live in Mitt Romney’s universe. Or kingdom or plantation or whatever. We live in the real world. And in the real one I am allowed to think for myself and not at the pleasure of my economic betters.

Regulators should not be on good terms with business types any more than police should be on good terms with criminals. And since business types are the ones who drove this country into the toilet I’m thinking that the last thing they should have is a friendly agency charged with policing them.

Look, if you start a business and become your own boss and make your own way I love that. It’s what I want out of life, to be honest. Certainly rather than spend another fucking minute working my ass off for someone else who will only pay me the bare minimum allowed by law. And who likes little boys. But, as I have said many times before, just because you start your own landscaping business or open a restaurant doesn’t mean that you and Mitt Romney! suddenly have something in common.

Personally I want to see regulators kicking down doors at Target HQ and firing tear gas into the upper floors of the Lehman Brothers building. I want to see those ridiculous people at the stock exchange who scream for a living pepper sprayed and dragged away by SWAT cops. Not for any particular reason either. Just because. I think that it would probably be the healthiest thing for them in the long term. But that’ll never happen, of course. We’ll just give them all a pat on the back, a speech about free enterprise and a gigantic check from the taxpayers. Oh man, do I sound cynical? Shit, how did that happen?