Posts Tagged ‘Prison Sex


can a nazi get a table dance?

kojak clean

Every now and then I take a moment to think about the worst possible thing I could ever do. Angrily masturbating in front of a cancer patient. Tackling a quadriplegic. Fucking Hillary Clinton. I don’t actually do it because I’m not crazy. And, yes, we’re allowed to use the word “crazy”. I feel comfortable with the word “crazy”. If I had to compare myself to someone who killed 77 people in one day I would probably use words like “crazy” and not lose a whole lot of sleep over it.

“Mass killer Anders Behring Breivik claimed in court on Tuesday that Norway was violating his human rights by keeping him in isolation for murdering 77 people in 2011, but irritated the judge at the start of proceedings with a Nazi salute.

Clean-shaven and wearing a black suit, white shirt and golden tie, Breivik raised his right arm in a flat-handed Nazi-style salute on arrival at the court, slightly different from the outstretched arm and clenched fist he used in 2012.

His lawyer initially said Breivik considers himself a national socialist, or Nazi, and that the gesture was “the worst thing you can do in a courtroom”. He later suggested it was an old Norse gesture.

Judge Helen Andenaes Sekulic was not pleased either way. She told Breivik not to repeat the salute when court proceedings resume on Wednesday.”REUTERS

No, actually, the “worst thing you can do in a courtroom” is complain to a judge about how you’ve been treated in prison after killing 77 people. In one day. The fucking salute is just icing on the cake at that point. And whatever the Vikings had in mind I’m sure it didn’t involve a lonely, heavily armed man with nothing but an internet connection and a copy of Mein Kempf. Or maybe it did. Fuck if I know. At any rate he might as well have pretended to pull a quarter out of the bailiff’s ear or goose stepped around the courtroom screaming about how Anne Frank was a myth.

So what are these cruel and inhumane conditions he’s being kept in? I mean, I’m guessing that a guy who killed 77 people (in one day) is forced to sleep on spikes and spend his days being chased by bleeding AIDS victims, right? Tell me I’m right…

“Breivik’s lawyer, Oeystein Storrvik, accused Norway of violating a ban on “inhuman and degrading treatment” under the European Convention on Human Rights by keeping the 37-year-old isolated from other inmates in a special three-room cell.

“There is no tradition in Norway for this type of isolation,” he told the special court that will meet until Friday in a gymnasium at Skien jail about 100 km (60 miles) south of Oslo.

Norway rejects the charges of inhuman treatment.

“Breivik is a very dangerous man,” said Marius Emberland, the lawyer representing the state, defending Breivik’s conditions.

He said another prisoner tried to attack Breivik last year, getting to within earshot. When stopped by guards, the man shouted: “You are a killer, a child killer … And I love my country,” Emberland said.

will meet until Friday in a gymnasium at Skien jail about 100 km (60 miles) south of Oslo.”

A “special three-room cell”? That’s not isolation. That’s an apartment in jail. My first place was a studio and I didn’t kill anybody. And of course he’s a “very dangerous man”. He killed 77 people. In one day. He’s probably in isolation to protect everyone else in the prison. And the planet. He’s obviously the closest thing the real world will ever have to a Marvel villain. That guy who got close enough to yell at him (which, apparently, is the worst thing that can happen to you in a Norwegian prison. After you kill 77 people. In one day) must be a total badass. He’s probably a mutant. Or just a guy comfortable being in jail in Norway. I think I would be comfortable in jail in Norway.

On that note, “you are a child killer and I love my country” is lame prison smack. I mean it would make a killer title for a metal album. Or a cool bumper sticker. Hell, now that I think about it, I’m going to confront people at random on the street and scream it at the top of my lungs.






There’s really no sense in doing a splashy or shocking headline when someone in the Republican Party says something crazy. It would be like me doing a piece on how Vladimir Putin is powerful but bald or how scotch makes the pain go away. But every so often I feel like being topical instead of just going off on an absurd rant. Granted, absurd rants are a lot of fun. A lot of fun. But, I digress.

As when Missouri senate candidate Todd Akin made his now infamous “legitimate rape” comment a few months ago, I hardly flinched when I saw this the other day:

“Indiana Senate candidate Richard Mourdock became the latest Republican to stir up controversy – and potential trouble for the Romney campaign – when he said during a debate that “even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that is something that God intended to happen.”

Mourdock, a tea party-backed conservative Republican, unseated longtime Sen. Richard Lugar after a heated primary campaign. On Sunday, with his general election race tightening, he received Mitt Romney’s official support. Utah Sen. Orrin Hatch is the only other candidate Romney has appeared on camera to endorse.

“With so much at stake, I hope you’ll join me in supporting Richard Mourdock for U.S. Senate,” Romney says in the new web video.“ – ABC NEWS

Of course Christianity itself began with a rape so it’s not totally surprising that these people see it this way. God might as well have climbed in through Mary’s bedroom window wearing a bandit mask and waving a knife in her face. I hope Mary, realizing it was going to happen whether she wanted it to or not, was at least able to enjoy it.

Of course this is all just a bunch of bullshit. Guys like Akin or Mourdock or even Mitt Romney! himself don’t actually believe in any of this crap. They’re just good at exploiting people who do. And they know that there is no such thing as bad publicity. Not when some backwoods retard in an Indiana or Missouri senate race can become a national name. These guys will have their own shows on Fox before you know it. Because as it stands, thankfully, it doesn’t look like either of them will get elected.

And just out of curiosity, what if a man gets raped by another man in prison and gets AIDS? Is that also a gift from god? If I rape a cow or a horse and end up with some kind of animal parasite on my dick is that god exercising his will? Is it the command of the creator himself I am following when I rape my own hand two, sometimes three times a day?

The answer is “no” of course because here in America rape is a sacred institution between one man and one woman. We’re still a somewhat conservative country so there will probably never be an Equal Rape Amendment. But, hey, I’m a dreamer baby.



I have a few family members who work in mental health. And if there’s one thing that has always intrigued me it’s their belief that everyone is crazy to one degree or another. Of course for most of us that means relatively harmless stuff like watching clown porn or having a human relationship with a pet. But, for some people, it means turning into a one man murder machine.

“A second psychiatric evaluation of Norwegian mass killer Anders Behring Breivik has found him sane enough to face trial and a jail term.

The findings contradict a previous evaluation, published in November, that found him legally insane.

Breivik is due to stand trial on Monday over a bomb attack and shooting spree last July that killed 77 people.

Both reports will be considered by the court when it decides whether he should be sent to a psychiatric ward or jail.” – BBC NEWS

Breivik, who for some reason is allowed to dress like Neo when he comes to court, looks like he enjoys showing people how strong he is and that he could break out of those cuffs if he really wanted to. And in most cases I would laugh at someone that crazy. Except that this guy killed 77 people. In one day. And they’re still debating whether or not he’s insane. Which, I’m assuming, means somehow there’s a version of murdering 77 people in one day and you’re not just a little touched in the head.

At least now this asshole might go to jail instead of going free for being crazy. I always found it kind of strange that there could be a legal system in which there are relatively few consequences despite having committed 77 homicides. In one day. But, rack up a few parking tickets or make fun of the royal family in Norway and they sure as fuck throw the book at you. So I hear.

Meanwhile, in America, our most famous mass murderer just got what will probably be his last day in court. In what has become a macabre ritual since being imprisoned four decades ago Charles Manson was given a parole hearing to determine if they might actually let this fucking retard out of jail.

“Notorious killer Charles Manson, 77, was denied parole Wednesday after a California parole panel “could find nothing good as far as suitability” for his being paroled, a commissioner said.

Manson didn’t show up for his parole hearing, which was held at a state prison in Corcoran, California, where he is serving a life sentence.

Manson’s next parole hearing was scheduled for 15 years from now, meaning he could die in prison.

California Board of Parole Hearings Commissioner John Peck said that Manson has accumulated 108 serious disciplinary violations in prison since 1971 and that he has shown no indication of remorse for his nine murder convictions.” – CNN

I’m all for mindlessly going through the motions and stuff. Believe me I am. But, this kind of scares me when they do this. State bureaucrats could fuck up a bowl of oatmeal and I’m surprised that they haven’t accidentally let him out by now. Of course when it comes to my back taxes or expired car registration they’re goddamn Johnny on the Spot. I’m not sure what the moral of this story is but I think it has something to do with killing lots of people and not paying taxes. Two areas where I’m a Viking.



I’m so far behind these days it’s not even funny. Well, admittedly, it is kind of funny. I laugh about it a lot actually. That is when I’m not coughing up a lung or praying for a swift death. This virus just won’t go away. My wife and kids are all better now but I’m still bedridden in a kind of reverse OMEGA MAN scenario.

I was truly sad to see that the lone voice of reason in the Republican primary finally called it quits. Jon Huntsman’s Presidential bid was always a gloriously futile gesture. You can’t run for office as a Republican and not be a raving wingnut and/or billionaire brat. Huntsman was neither. Which often made me wonder what the hell he was even doing in the Republican Party.

“Our campaign for the presidency ends, but our campaign for a (better) American continues,” Huntsman declared. “I believe it is now time for our party to unite around the candidate best equipped to defeat Barack Obama. Despite our differences and the space between us on some of the issues, I believe that candidate is Gov. Mitt Romney.” – CNN

It was sort of my impression that uniting in the traditional sense meant not having any differences. But, whatever. Romney will ultimately rule the party through fear and brutality like Moe did with the other Stooges. As with Tim Pawlenty I always felt that Huntsman was just too fundamentally decent a guy for this kind of thing.

I’m sure there was some kind of Greco-Mormon wrestling going on behind the scenes as well. My guess is that Romney had to come and beat the Brigham Young out of Huntsman like De Niro bashing that guy over the head in THE UNTOUCHABLES. In fact looking at that picture I get this image of Huntsman laying on the ground sobbing with his pants around his ankles while a naked Mitt lights a cigarette and mutters “Quit cryin’, you belong to me now.”

And one wonders if Huntsman wasn’t offered something in return for his endorsement like a cabinet post or a bunch of virgins. Or Mormon dollars. Or whatever. Money is pretty much all Romney has and is the only reason he’s gotten this far. Without it I think he’d be just another Max Headroom impersonator.



I was cruising the news pages all day yesterday trying to find a unifying theme to another raving post about math and economics. Obama brought tax hikes for the privileged back to the table and once again cries of “class warfare” erupted from both sides. To which Obama responded that it was not class warfare but simple math.

One thing I know for sure is that math is never simple. Another thing I know is that class warfare is a harsh reality at any period in human history. And math is usually the biggest weapon of mass destruction ever wielded in that struggle. I’m not talking about normal math. You know, the kind where you add or subtract things. I’m talking about the bullshit kind of math which uses ancient Greek symbols and abstract theorems and basically is designed to be mastered by a few and yet applied to all of us.

I went back at it this morning and found this opinion piece by Eamonn Butler at THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, a publication with a notoriously Borg-like disposition. If the rich were a football team the WSJ would be a bunch of horny, anorexic cheerleaders. Borg cheerleaders. Which, just as an aside, is way hot when I think about it. At any rate, the piece sums up the case against taxing the rich in this way: it’s immoral because it makes them unhappy. Or something like that.

You can check out the article here. And reading it will probably make my paranoid ranting easier to understand. While well-written, and admittedly not all that out of touch with reality for an article in the Wall Street Journal, it does underscore my point that this entire debate focuses on the concerns of the rich. Concerns which are not shared by over 90 percent of us. Absolutely this is class warfare.

Are the grandiose concerns of the wealthy more important than your ability to afford life saving medicine? Or to keep your house? Or have money to retire when you’re just too fucking old to work anymore? Yes, it’s important to have an American Dream. In fact I’m all for it. It’s just that my American Dream involves not having to scrape together change to put gas in my car or resort to a charity to feed my family as much as it does the hope that one day I’ll be successful at something. Yeah, I want a nice car too. I want a swimming pool. I want to be sued for sexual harassment and then use my deep pockets and deeper political connections to get the case thrown out.

But is that dream, no matter how remote, that important? How good does your life have to be? And when does the quality of life for the rest of us become more important than the morality of putting limits on that dream for the few lucky enough to achieve it? And is it moral to lower the hopes and aspirations of the vast majority of us who will never make it that high up the ladder? No. It’s not. It’s a matter of survival and that’s why I wouldn’t think twice about giving the rich the economic equivalent of a prison shower rape. In the end they’ll still be rich. So they can blow me.

The wealthy have the luxury of riding out economic crises. The rest of us, historically, get fucked. And not in a fun, Rocco Siffredi way either. America’s fiscal calamity has been little more than an academic exercise for the top ten percent of earners. For everyone else it has been prolonged economic combat. And we are closer to the point of being beaten into submission than we are like to have been in generations. Yeah, it’s class warfare. It’s always been class warfare. Sometimes it’s dressed up as ideological warfare or cultural warfare. But, in the end, it’s about rich people making the decisions for the rest of us. So don’t be afraid to call it what it is.



So basically we’re inching closer and closer to the point where… something is going to happen. What? I don’t know. Something to do with numbers and money or the lack thereof. And China. The Chinese are definitely involved. Sounds like a goddamn Robert Ludlum novel. Of course a Ludlum novel would have a plot that you can follow. And a payoff. And tits. Lots of tits. Real life in Washington is just fucking incomprehensible. And no tits anywhere. Just asses.

And for some reason Eric Cantor looks like he’s about to anally rape John Boehner. Maybe they’re into that kind of thing. That’s cool. I mean it’s pretty disgusting but so are the things I do when I’m home alone so who am I to judge? Of course I wouldn’t have figured Cantor for a top. He looks like K.D. Lang. Although she’s pretty butch. So maybe he is too. Dammit, Cantor, no more smoke and mirrors. I want to see the real you.

“According to a CBS News Poll released Monday, 66 percent of Americans say an agreement to raise the amount of money the nation can borrow should include both spending cuts and tax increases.

And though the nation is divided on whether the debt ceiling should be raised at all, with 46 percent saying it should be raised and almost half-49 percent-saying it should not, more Americans favor an increase in the debt ceiling than one month ago. Almost a quarter of the country agreed the debt ceiling should be raised in June; that percentage increased by 22 percentage points in the new survey.” – CNN

Or, perhaps the reason both Cantor and Mr. Boehn look like they’re about to receive love enemas is because of what the rest of the poll had to say:

“Americans are unimpressed with their political leaders’ handling of the debt ceiling crisis, with a new CBS News poll showing a majority disapprove of all the involved parties’ conduct, but Republicans in Congress fare the worst, with just 21 percent backing their resistance to raising taxes.

Even half of the Republican respondents (51 percent) voiced disapproval of how members of their own party in Congress are handling the talks. Far fewer Democrats expressed disapproval of their own party’s handling (32 percent) or President Obama’s (22 percent) of the urgent quest to raise the nation’s debt limit ahead of a looming default on Aug. 2 if action isn’t taken.” – CBS

We’re going to tax the rich. Stop struggling and let it happen or you’ll just get hurt even worse. And stop acting like you don’t want it. You’re practically asking for it walking around all wealthy and influential like that. Maybe go somewhere else in your mind while it’s happening. You know, some kind of happy place. Afterward you can cry to your therapist or attend a support group. Just try and remember that you’re not a victim. You’re a survivor.