MAGNUS GREEL MOST HATED #6: RICHARD BRANSON

I apologize for being AWOL last week. My grandmother died and my oldest son started kindergarten. So, making fun of people on the internet just kind of seemed unimportant. But things are returning to normal now and it’s time to continue on with my list. And number six is an odd one for a number of reasons.

I would have to say that, of all the people on my list, Richard Branson is the only one I have no good reason to hate. And yet I do. I’ve only written about him once before. For the most part I just avoid him when I can because the more I even think about him the more powerful he becomes. There’s just something about his very existence that offends every molecule of my body. Maybe it’s like that woman who had seizures every time she heard Mary Hart’s voice on ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT. But, I can’t watch this guy for more than a few seconds before I start hurling expletives at the television. It’s probably best that I never have and probably never will meet him in person. Not that I would hurt him or anything. I just think I would probably have a major cardiac event.

My hatred of him is so visceral and so primal that I cannot really put it into adequate terms. And I’m the first to admit that the whole thing is kind of illogical and sort of nuts. Well, to be honest, I’m nothing if not illogical and sort of nuts. That’s why I do what I do.

I’m convinced that he has spent no small part of his fortune trying, unsuccessfully, to be as cool as other billionaires. And tragically, I suppose, he will never understand how lame he really is. Like Donald Trump I honestly have no idea how or why Branson is rich. And considering that this guy has yet to start a business that doesn’t fail I’m not sure how he stays rich. But, whereas Trump is easily ignorable Branson is like a fart in a crowded room that just won’t dissipate. It just feels like he’s always right there next to me trying ever so hard to get me to like him. Just staring at me with those pointy, needy little eyes.

He’s like that annoying kid with wealthy parents who is constantly trying to one-up everybody by having the same stuff they do only better. What’s that James Cameron? You’re building a submersible to go to the bottom of the Marianas Trench? I can do that too! What’s that Steve Fossett? You’re trying to circumnavigate the globe in a fucking balloon? I can do that too! What’s that Bill Gates? You’re throwing most of your money into charities? I can do that too! Aww, come on guys. Why don’t you like me?

Yes, mine is a dark and tortured existence. Considering that I’m actually sitting here giggling and doing Richard Branson’s voice is a sign that I need to get laid more often. Or drink less. One of the two.

RICHARD BRANSON IS WORRIED ABOUT DRUGS

I often fantasize about what I would do if I had billions of dollars. And for as much as I’d like to think that I would fund research or global peace initiatives, the reality is that I would most likely become some kind of megalomaniacal supervillain against whom the nations of the planet would unite to defeat.

In all likelihood, though, the worst they would do is issue a report. Because that’s what you do when you’re obscenely wealthy or influential. You issue reports.

“The global war on drugs has failed,” said a report by the Global Commission on Drug Policy released Thursday. The report calls for a frank dialogue on the issue and encourages governments to experiment with the regulation of drugs, especially marijuana.

The 19-member commission draws from a broad political spectrum: former United Nations Secretary General Kofi Annan; former NATO Secretary General Javier Solana; and former presidents Ernesto Zedillo of Mexico, Fernando Henrique Cardoso of Brazil and Cesar Gaviria of Colombia—all countries that have faced brutal drug violence.

Former Secretary of State George Shultz and former Fed Chairman Paul Volcker are members of the commission, as are writers Carlos Fuentes and Mario Vargas Llosa.

The Global Commission is funded by member Sir Richard Branson of Virgin Group Ltd., George Soros’s Open Society Foundation, the Instituto Fernando Henrique Cardoso and the Centro Edelstein de Pesquisas Sociais in Brazil.” – THE WALL STREET JOURNAL

You can read the entire report here. Or you can just forget about it and go play video games, which is pretty much what I did. Nothing personal against the guy but I really can’t stand Richard Branson. It’s an old dislike that goes way back. I pretty much want him to fail in everything he does so I’m probably not the best person to offer an unbiased opinion about him or his idiot causes.

Of course the War on Drugs isn’t working. It was never meant to work, as they say, it was meant to be continued. So many people make so much money from drugs that it’s never going to change. And there’s always going to be a market for it. The only question becomes who is going to profit from it.

I think legalized pot would generate a lot of revenue for the government. On the other hand I have a feeling that the best pot growers in the country would eventually get put out of business by big companies and you’d have to rely on Target or WalMart to buy grass. And it would suck like cheap beer or softcore porn.

Still, it’s only pot. Alcohol does way more damage to society. And as for most other drugs, well, yeah I think they should be fucking illegal. Are you kidding me? I’ve never heard a great success story that began with meth or heroin. Like “His path to the Presidency began with sucking cock for crank…” or “Her pioneering work in disease research started with some rock and an eight ball…”