Archive for November, 2012

30
Nov
12

LLOYD BLANKFEIN IS READY FOR YOU TO ASK HIM WHAT HE THINKS NOW

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So who, you might ask, is Lloyd Blankfein? No, he’s not a hairless mouse impersonator although I think he’d be really good at that. He’s actually the chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs. And if we were both at a party and he told me this I would probably just kind of walk away and avoid him for the rest of the night. Asshole.

To be perfectly honest, and not just belligerent, I really don’t understand the fascination our culture has with rich people. I get it: you make and/or were born with a lot of money. That’s all fine and dandy. But I could care less about your views on… just about anything. I don’t read books about you. I don’t watch your reality TV shows. I don’t even really pay that much attention to you when they interview you on the news which seems to happen all the fucking time.

“Stocks shook off their post-election slump Monday, in part because of optimism that the president and Congress will reach a compromise on the nation’s budget by the end of the year.

If they don’t, there will be automatic tax increases and huge cuts in federal spending — that so-called fiscal cliff.

It’s a time bomb, according to Lloyd Blankfein, chairman and CEO of Goldman Sachs, and one of the world’s most influential bankers. His message to Washington? Make a deal.

BLANKFEIN: Their job is to make the country function, not to — it’s not a winning game, it’s a get-along game.

PELLEY: Washington playing with fire?

BLANKFEIN: Yes.

An interview with Lloyd Blankfein is as rare as a look inside the Goldman Sachs money machine. He showed us one of seven trading floors at his Manhattan headquarters. Goldman is one of America’s most successful investment banks. It had net earnings of $4.4 billion dollars last year. When we asked Blankfein how to reduce the federal budget deficit, he went straight for the subject politicians don’t want to talk about.

BLANKFEIN: You’re going to have to undoubtedly do something to lower people’s expectations — the entitlements and what people think that they’re going to get, because it’s not going to — they’re not going to get it.

PELLEY: Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid?

BLANKFEIN: You can look at history of these things, and Social Security wasn’t devised to be a system that supported you for a 30-year retirement after a 25-year career. … So there will be things that, you know, the retirement age has to be changed, maybe some of the benefits have to be affected, maybe some of the inflation adjustments have to be revised. But in general, entitlements have to be slowed down and contained.

PELLEY: Because we can’t afford them going forward?

BLANKFEIN: Because we can’t afford them.” – CBS NEWS

But you know who does pay attention to the rich? Our government. Boy oh boy. They almost exclusively talk to the rich. That’s why Captain Stubing up there was kicking it at the White House this week and word has it he met with Congressional leaders also. Hooray. Sounds like a party.

It’s always a constant source of amusement to me when rich people tell the rest of us we need to work more. And expect less. When is Lloyd Blankfein going to work harder? Or, you know, at all? He runs an investment bank. He gets paid millions of dollars to sit in an office and tell people what kind of coffee he wants. Meanwhile, normal people are working themselves to death at multiple jobs and they’re still broke.

Perhaps that’s unfair. I’m sure there’s a really touching story in there somewhere about how Lloyd worked really, really hard to get where he is. There was probably a parent who worked nights at a mill or something so he could go to business school. Then again Ted Bundy and Al Capone both worked really hard to get where they ended up. So it’s kind of a mixed bag.

Meeting with business leaders and guys wearing ties makes sense when you’re trying to get the economy moving again. Of course it might actually be more helpful if the President and Congress met with a big group of unemployed people. Or underemployed, which is kind of worse. Something tells me their point of view is far more relevant in times like these. What does a fucking banker have to contribute to a discussion about unemployment?

If you ask me (and this whole thing where you don’t is really starting to get old and makes me wonder if maybe you don’t have some kind of inadequacy issue) it’s kind of pointless to talk to the rich about anything. They’re rich. They’re not worried about the future. Guys like Lloyd are pretty much set for life. Christ, Mitt Romney! was fucking loaded and he didn’t know crap about anything. Anything. And yet there he was also wining and dining at the White House this week. Or perhaps just whining. Anyway, maybe he and Lloyd will go have drinks later and throw dollar bills at homeless people or urinate on hookers.

I’m just guessing, really. I mean that’s what I would probably do if I were rich. Actually I already do that and I’m definitely not wealthy. So, if there’s a point here I’m not entirely sure what it is. In fact I’m just kind of talking out of my ass. So, you know, I guess Lloyd and I have something in common after all.

27
Nov
12

THE TALIBAN IS VERY UPSET… OR SOMETHING

I’ve been tempted over the years to offer a reward to anyone who can get a picture of a Taliban member smiling or laughing. Or at least not screaming and waving fists in the air. These guys are seriously one note. Whether it is American military policy or a bad egg roll they pretty much have one setting: screaming and breaking things. If The Taliban were a television show it never would have made it through a full season before being cancelled. So yeah, you could probably just say that The Taliban is no different than COP ROCK or AUTOMAN.

“The Pakistani Taliban vowed Thursday to carry out attacks against India to avenge the death of a man executed by Indian authorities for his role in the 2008 terrorist assault on Mumbai.

Mohammed Ajmal Kasab, a Pakistani, was hanged Wednesday in Pune, a city southeast of Mumbai. He was the lone surviving gunman from the attacks in India’s financial capital in November 2008 that killed more than 160 people.

Ihsanullah Ihsan, the spokesman for the Pakistani Taliban, said the militant group would conduct various attacks in India in response to the execution. He didn’t provide further details.

The Pakistani Taliban, who are closely linked with their namesake in Afghanistan and with al Qaeda, operate in the ungoverned area that sits on the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan.” – CNN

I feel that if you’re going to go into someone else’s country and gun down a bunch of people you should probably accept that a certain amount of risk goes along with that. Like, for example, being jailed and executed. What the fuck did they think was going to happen? That people in India were going to give this guy a million dollars and a bunch of virgins? That they were going to parade him through the streets singing “For He’s a Jolly Good Terrorist”?

It’s like when I was a little brat kid who used to ride his bike around town with his buddies throwing rocks at people’s houses. Every so often one of us would get caught and end up in trouble. And then we’d vow to get even with the people who got our friend in trouble for vandalizing their house. Jesus. I just went back and read what I just wrote. I was a fucking dick. Then again I was just a child, not a militantly religious terrorist organization actively working across international borders to destabilize and destroy civilized society.

Of course just when I was ready to write the Taliban off as stupid I read the story further. Then I realized that I was wrong. They are not stupid. They are angry and delusional children who, by a complete coincidence, happen to be also stupid.

“The Taliban spokesman said they are demanding that Kasab’s body be returned to Pakistan for an Islamic burial. He criticized the Pakistani government, saying it had failed by not requesting the return of the body.”

That’s good. It’s good that you’re going to criticize the government. I do it all the time here in America. Of course I’m an actual citizen of my country. I’m not hiding out in the frontier of someone else’s country, breaking the law and killing people. Then, you know, turning around and criticizing the very government I’ve been thumbing my nose at for not, uh, doing all it can to get the body of one of my fellow assholes back from yet another country where he went apeshit with an AK47 and killed a bunch of people. Christ. I’m tired just from writing that. Goddamn these people are confusing. And yes I did just say “these people” which is meant to differentiate them from “this person” who, despite a delinquent childhood, grew up to not kill people with automatic weapons. And I shave too.

I hope India sends this fuckhead’s body back. I hope they dress him in women’s underwear and tattoo “POOP” on his forehead. Maybe stick some raw pork in his ass. Yeah, I’ve come very far indeed from my misspent youth.

13
Nov
12

PETRAEUS. DAVID PETRAEUS.

 

Unlike many people I’ve never really liked David Petraeus. I know the left wing hates his guts going back to his book-cooking days for the Bush Administration during the Iraq War. The right adored him because he could not have been more blatantly Republican if he marched up and down central Baghdad wearing a Davy Crockett hat and calling people “coloreds”.

He just always struck me as shifty. Like the guy on the other side of the teller window at Bank of America or the Mormonologists who still insist on coming to my front door. Or Mr. Rogers. It was a gut reaction. I just knew, somehow, that underneath he was a scumbag and a narcissist. Well, as just about everyone on earth now knows, my instincts served me well.

“Petraeus resigned last week from the head of the CIA after admitting an affair with a woman later identified as his biographer, Paula Broadwell, 40, a fellow West Point graduate who spent months studying the general’s leadership of U.S. forces in Afghanistan.

The revelation came during an FBI probe of another matter, and it led to the shocking fall of the celebrated and revered four-star Army general, who once ran the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan.

The affair came to light during an FBI investigation of “jealous” e-mails reportedly sent by Broadwell to a U.S. Central Command volunteer named Jill Kelley, a government source familiar with the investigation told CNN on Monday.” – CNN

Firstly, and I suppose this is neither here nor there, but Petraeus’ wife Holly looks like Thelma from Scooby Doo. Just all grown up. And apparently suffering from The Bends. And while that doesn’t condone fucking another woman I think it does explain it. The guy was America’s top spy. We can’t have him banging a man in a woman suit. Just saying. Of course Petraeus is no underwear model himself. He looks like Jimmy Stewart with Lego hair.

Secondly, I find it odd that anybody wanted to write this jackass’ biography in the first place. I’m not entirely sure what the hell he ever did to warrant that. Some say he won the Iraq War. I say he was just there when it ended. But some say I shouldn’t be so opinionated. I think they should stop hiding their deep sexual attraction to me behind masks of such hostility. See? We could go on all day.

And seriously, man, who the hell resigns because of an affair? This isn’t… shit, I don’t even remember when people actually did that. I think it was before electricity and running water. Or the 1950’s. One of the two. Then again if I had to quit my job every time I did something stupid with my penis I’d be virtually unemployable at this point. I’ve never cheated or anything like that. But “stupid” is a very broad word that can involve pretty much anything from power tools to plants to old videos of Elayne Boosler. Man, someone should be writing my biography. I’m way more interesting and complex than this clown.

12
Nov
12

YOU BROKE WALL STREET’S HEART

 

While many of the liberal blogs and mainstream news outlets are still kicking the corpse of Mitt Romney! I have to say I don’t feel the need to. I’m not gloating at his defeat. I’m relieved, of course. But, it’s over and I’m happy to let him go off and do… whatever the hell it is he does. Maybe he’ll have another kid or buy another car or something. Maybe get a new pair of bulletproof underwear. In the end he’s still rich. He’ll be fine.

However, I still watch closely the things being said by Republicans, conservatives and rich people. Specifically as it pertains to their warning to the American people just before the election which was summed up by Romney himself.

In simpler language: hey, we have all the money in this country, see? You want some of it? You vote for our guy, get it? And Michael- uh, Wall Street made good on its threat the day after Obama’s re-election when it plunged 312 points. Baddaboom!

“It was a tough week to be a financial adviser to rich Republicans.

Plenty of the wealthy fear President Barack Obama’s election victory will lead to another four years of big government, higher taxes on their kind, further big increases in the federal debt, and other policies that could hurt the already limp U.S. economy.

Financial advisers say some clients are vowing to emigrate or convert their seven-figure investment accounts into cash. Some say they will bury cash and gold, while others are simply venting by sending profanity-laced emails that predict civil unrest and economic destruction.

“Some of them are inconsolable,” said John Burke, chief executive of Iselin, New Jersey-based Burke Financial Strategies, who works mainly with small business owners. “I’ve never seen people so upset about anything in politics.” – REUTERS

Admittedly that’s less carrying through with a hit- er, threat than it is an effeminate and childlike tantrum. Of course it isn’t just those guys on Wall Street, at the big banks and who play golf all day who are disappointed in you for exercising your right to vote. Rich people all over the country are making good on their pre-election warning that voting to re-elect Obama would break the economy. Because, you know, things break. Don’t they?

“A coal producer owned by a longtime critic of President Barack Obama‘s energy policies will lay off nearly 160 workers at Illinois and Utah mines, blaming the freshly re-elected president for a “war on coal.”

Ohio-based Murray Energy Corp. said in a statement supplied Friday to The Associated Press that it would give pink slips to 102 workers at its West Ridge Mine in Utah and 54 at its underground mine in the southern Illinois town of Galatia. Both mines are run by Murray Energy subsidiaries…

…”The American people have made their choice,” Murray, a day after the election, told about 50 employees during a prayer, a text of which was provided to the AP by the company. Lamenting the country’s direction and insisting “the takers outvoted the producers,” Murray asked for God’s forgiveness “for the decisions that we are now forced to make to preserve the very existence of any of the enterprises that you have helped us build.” – THE SEATTLE POST INTELLIGENCER

Badda Bing! How you like that, working American? Huh? You gonna’ show some respect now or what? Huh? I gotta’ take away your house too? Oh, crap. Yeah. We already did that. Well hows about I take away your retirement? Oh yeah. We took that too. Well, I can still make life hard on you, get it?

As I said once before, we’re going to tax the wealthy. And even though I somehow managed to turn that issue into a gay rape joke I was pretty serious about it. It’s going to happen. So go ahead and bury your shit in the yard. Lay off your workers out of spite. Drive the stock market into a brick wall out of frustration. Just remember that we can do this the easy way or the admittedly sadistic but nonetheless fun way. I know that sounds crude but that kind of reasoning got me my first date in high school.

09
Nov
12

ALLEN WEST IS STILL NOT CONVINCED THAT YOU DON’T LIKE HIM

 

Yes, I know. That is not Florida Republican Congressman Allen West. That is fictional attorney Jackie Chiles from the old SEINFELD show. But that doesn’t matter. It might as well be Allen West. And not because both men are black but because both men are nuts. And creepy. And if Congressman Allen West can choose his own reality then why can’t I? Scandalous! Libelous! Judicious!

Actually, did I say “Congressman”? Sorry. I meant “FORMER Congressman Allen West”. Like most of conservative America he lost on election night. Which is a shame because he was that one guy Tea Partiers could point to and say “See? We really do have black friends!” That job, of course, was previously held by former RNC Chair Michael Steele. And while many in the conservative gene pool were in denial about election night, West took his own defeat at the hands of Democratic challenger Patrick Murphy to an entirely new level of nuts.

“A Palm Beach County Circuit Court judge today denied U.S. Rep. Allen West’s motion to impound ballots and voting machines from his apparent narrow loss to Democrat Patrick Murphy in the District 18 congressional race.

Judge David Crow said the West campaign’s motion was “premature” because official results have not yet been posted. Crow also said it is not the court’s role to set elections procedures. Those procedures already require securing ballots and other materials in case there is a recount.

A lawyer for West said that despite losing in court, “We’re very happy” because a lawyer for the Palm Beach County elections office gave assurances that process will be transparent.

The attorney for the elections office, Ken Spillias, said the measures sought by the West campaign are “already being done.”

Murphy’s lawyer, Gerald Richman, called West’s motion “a political stunt.” – THE PALM BEACH POST

A political stunt? Contentious! Egregious! Outrageous! Allen West does not know how to lose. Even though it’s been a semi-regular theme in his life, from a disgraced Army career to his apparently vacant sex life.

But, like many crazy people, West has followers. And they will make sure to keep reality at bay lest it interfere with his dream machine. The article goes on to say:

“Observers at the tabulation center included members of the Enforcers motorcycle club, whose numbers include many veterans and police officers. They said the results could swing in West’s favor when overseas military ballots are counted. West, an Army veteran, has considerable support among military voters.”

Seriously, dude, when you need the help of a group called “The Enforcers” to stay in office you’re kind of missing the point of this whole democracy thing. This isn’t the military where you give an order and people follow it without question. And then you get charged with a crime for it. But, I digress.

West has an ego that is enormous even for politician standards. He’s also crazy. So, it’s probably going to take a few legal battles and some Luvox to get him to take hold of reality and bask in its warm embrace. I mean, at least that’s what the men in the white coats told me after the whole “No, officer, I’m writing you a ticket” incident.

08
Nov
12

BIBI’S UNCOMFORTABLE PHONE CALL

 

Many people were surprised that the only election coverage I did on this site was to publish a middle finger. I figured there was already such a saturation of it that mine would have probably just gotten drowned out. And there are only so many ways I can express my joy and relief at how well election night went for, um, sane people. My only post, on Facebook and Twitter, was to say simply that Benjamin Netanyahu was about to make the most uncomfortable phone call ever.

Netanyahu all but wore a t-shirt that said “I HATE YOU BARACK OBAMA. PLEASE ELECT MY FELLOW RICH FRIEND MITT ROMNEY OR SOMETHING TERRIBLE WILL HAPPEN”. He did more than just quietly pick a side. The man took every step he could to try and interfere in our Presidential election. And, in the end, he bought into the belief that a Romney win was inevitable.

Of course Mitt Romney! is already fading gracefully into the flushed toilet of history. And the big story in Israeli media the last few days has been to wonder how much damage old Bibi did to their alliance with America by opening his big mouth. According to news reports Netanyahu was one of the first world leaders Barack Obama spoke with by phone after his re-election. Here then is a fairly good guess as to how that conversation went down.

 

NETANYAHU: Good day, Mr. President. I hope you are well.

OBAMA: Well? Try fucking awesome. Because that’s what I am, biyatch.

NETANYAHU: Excuse me?

OBAMA: Sorry I…(Garbled. Sound of DISCO INFERNO playing in the background) …little party here in the Oval. What can I do for you?

NETANYAHU: I am phoning you to express my congratulations on your election victory. I also want to tell you that I hope we can continue-

OBAMA: Lemme’ just stop you right there, Benny. (Sound of chewing) Goddamn these are good. Anyway, you don’t like me and that’s fine. You and Mitt Romney are old friends from back when you were, uh, doing something with money together. (More chewing) I understand your supporting him. I really do.

NETANYAHU: Well, I-

OBAMA: It’s kind of like when you ask me to support you over a NATO ally like Turkey. You feel me? (Garbled) Hell yes! Turn this shit up! (Sound of IT WAS A GOOD DAY blaring in the background)

NETANYAHU: Mr. President, please-

OBAMA: Yeah, yeah. I’m listening.

NETANYAHU: I feel this ill-will goes both ways. You were once photographed speaking to me on the phone with your feet on the desk. In my part of the world that is highly offensive.

OBAMA: Look, Benny, your part of the world is an ancient shit hole. Here in America it doesn’t matter who you show your feet to. Nobody cares. If I wanted to insult you I would have called your wife and told her to lose some weight. (Sound of laughter in the background)

NETANYAHU: Look, this is all beside the point. My main focus right now is Jerusalem.

OBAMA: Who?

NETANYAHU: Jerusalem.

OBAMA: Oh yeah, yeah. (Sound of champagne cork popping).

NETANYAHU: And of course the imminent apocalypse threatened by the Iranian nuclear program.

OBAMA: Ugh, Jesus, man. For like the millionth time we got this shit. Hear me? They so much as blink the wrong way and I take them to the fucking cleaners. So just relax. Sit down. Take a deep breath. Have a beer. You guys drink beer in Israel?

NETANYAHU: Well, uh-

OBAMA: Drink some of that horrid wine you guys like or whatever. Shit, man, I don’t know. Just chill out for god’s sake. You’re always on about the end of the world and shit. This is why nobody likes you.

NETANYAHU: Excuse me?

OBAMA: Try smiling. Maybe get laid. I don’t know.

NETANYAHU: Mr. President this is highly counter-productive. I’ve drawn a picture of a stick of dynamite with a chart next to it to illustrate the threat we face from Hezbollah-

OBAMA: Bibi I’m gonna’ have to cut you off here. I got Putin on the other line and he’s got this joke about a Chinese woman and a herd of goats that I am just dying to hear.

NETANYAHU: But, we’re all going to die-

OBAMA: Ciao, baby.

NETANYAHU: Wait! Wait! Death! Horror! Disaster!

Click.

06
Nov
12

CHRIS CHRISTIE IS WORRIED THAT YOU MIGHT THINK HE’S CRAZY

 

So it’s Election Day at last. And I know for many of us it could not have come soon enough. I love politics but man I am just sick and tired of this one. I remember a time when the race for President really only went on for a few months. There were a few ads here and there. A debate or two. And then everyone voted. This shit has been going on for over a year now. Just constantly and around-the-clock. Like porn or C-Span.

Something tells me that we’re heading into an era of non-stop campaigning all year round. Every year. All the fucking time. Everybody is always constantly campaigning as opposed to just doing the job they were elected to do. Case in point: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who was effusive in his praise of President Barack Obama when the two leaders toured damage from Hurricane Sandy last week, turned down a request by Mitt Romney to appear with him at a rally on Sunday night in Pennsylvania, The Huffington Post has learned.

Christie’s decision will only add to questions among Republicans about what the governor — who is up for reelection a year from now — is thinking, and why he went out of his way to heap praise on the president, and then refused to appear with Romney.

The Romney rally was held at a farm in Morrisville, Pa., not more than 20 minutes from Trenton, the New Jersey capital. The physical proximity of the event to New Jersey only added to questions in the Romney campaign about why Christie chose not to come.

“You can’t tell me he couldn’t have gone over there for a night rally,” a Romney campaign source told HuffPost.” – THE HUFFINGTON POST

Well, first of all, considering that New Jersey currently looks like it lost a battle with Godzilla it’s not surprising that the governor didn’t drop what he was doing and go campaign with some rich asshole in another state. Mitt Romney! of course is used to people being in his employ and simply doing his bidding. But Christie is not in his employ. And Mitt can’t fire him, as much as I’m sure he’d like to. Poor Mitt. What’s a rich man to do when he can’t fire someone? It’s like taking away Spock’s ability to knock people out with his Vulcan nerve pinch. Then he’s just a mouthy asshole with a stupid haircut.

I also think Arbuckle, er, Christie has got a much larger concern. Up for re-election next year in a heavily Democratic state he probably doesn’t want to be hitching his wagon to the star of a man only slightly less disgusting than a bag full of scrotums. What’s more I think he is smart enough to see that while a spasm of Tea Party enthusiasm got him elected in the first place, he’s going to need to appeal to the more sane people of his state to keep his job. People who don’t cower in fear of the government or immigrants or… whatever.

Yeah, we’re pretty much two solid years into this Tea Party thing and I still could not tell you what they are all about. I mean I’m sure the answers are just a few keystrokes away, but, putting forth the effort to find out would actually make me feel ashamed of myself. And that’s a pretty tall order when you’re me.