SMOKING POT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD

Advocates of Medical Marijuana complain not enough research has been done to scientifically prove that pot is effective in combating pain. A recent study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal set about to do just that. And I’m glad to see the scientific community spending its time and resources to come to these kinds of earth-shattering conclusions:

“Twenty-one adults with chronic nerve pain were taught to take a single inhalation of 25 milligrams of cannabis through a pipe, three times a day, for five days. The cannabis contained one of three levels of potency of tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), the active ingredient in marijuana, as well as a placebo dosage containing no THC.

All of the patients rotated through each of the four dosages, with nine days of no smoking in between.

Patients smoking the highest potency marijuana (9.4 percent) reported less pain than those smoking samples containing no THC. Patients also reported better sleep and less anxiety, according to the Canadian study.

On an 11-point scale, the average daily pain intensity was 6.1 for those smoking 9.4 percent THC concentration, compared to 5.4 for those smoking cannabis containing no THC.” – Bloomberg Business Week

So basically, smoking grass makes you feel good. Smoking strong grass makes you feel really good. I’ve been trying to tell the world this for years but nobody would believe me. Now that I’m armed with the scientific facts to back me up I’m going to go to Carl’s Jr.

Pot is illegal because the government would rather you use pharmaceuticals to ease pain or play Halo. And something to do with black people and jazz music. Not sure. But everyone likes it and smokes it and, now that I think about it, I’m not even really sure it’s illegal. I say that because I’ve been toking up for close to twenty years and I’ve never gotten in trouble with the law. I don’t think the concern has ever crossed my mind.

And by now I think we all know pot is relatively harmless. Yeah, there’s still that largely under-informed segment of America that thinks smoking pot makes you rape and shoot people. For these people smoking grass is like REEFER MADNESS where kids’ lives spin violently out of control after smoking a joint. And they play the piano really fast and without any apparent rhythm or melody. Again, it’s some kind of anti-jazz thing.

Law enforcement, for its part, espouses the theory of pot as a “gateway drug”. Basically, this means that when you smoke pot you get so high you open up a gateway in your mind that allows you to see how full of shit cops are on this issue. More crimes are committed every year under the influence of alcohol then just about all other drugs combined. Ask any drug addict living on the streets (I spent 4 ½ years living in Downtown Los Angeles, I practically know them all personally at this point) what drug they first started using and they’ll tell you booze, not pot, was what started them on that road.

And that’s not to say that I advocate criminalizing alcohol. I’ve been drinking since I was 15 and, unless I suddenly convert to Islam, I’m probably going to be doing it for the foreseeable future. I would even go so far as to say that drinking is the key to successful parenting.

JIMMY CARTER IS HERE TO RESCUE YOU

I’m starting to think that when you leave office after being President of the United States you become inducted into some kind of super global rescue squad and fight evil. Unless you were a Republican in which case you don’t do shit once you leave office except hang out with Arabs. I’m always seeing the first Bush rubbing elbows with sheiks or mullahs or whatever they call rich assholes in that part of the world.

The two surviving ex-Presidents from the Democratic Party, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, together have rendered the world’s second largest standing army completely helpless. Last year Clinton flew into North Korea and rescued two American journalists being held by Kim Jong Il and his robot henchmen. He also banged Jong Il’s wife when she tried to kill him but he turned the tables on her with his dashing good looks and love of danger. Well, now that the left jab had been thrown, it was time for the right cross. According to MSNBC:

“A Boston resident held captive in North Korea has arrived back in the United States. Aijalon Gomes was escorted back to the U.S. by former President Jimmy Carter. The 31-year-old walked off a plane at Logan Airport into the waiting arms of his family, including his sister Latifah.

“We’re just glad that he’s home, and home safe and that’s it,” said Latifah. Carter flew to North Korea this week on a private humanitarian mission to secure Gomes’ release. The man from Mattapan had been sentenced to eight years of hard labor. He was accused of entering the communist country illegally in January while teaching English in South Korea.

Last month, the state-run news agency in North Korea reported Gomes tried to kill himself. Soon after, his family begged for his release on humanitarian grounds. Then just last week, North Korea said it would free Gomes if Carter came to North Korea to get him. So, the former President did just that. “

Say what you want about Carter or his administration (and I’m old enough to remember his administration so I have plenty to say) the guy clearly has testicles made of depleted Uranium. It takes some nuts to fly into one of the world’s last Communist strongholds and rescue Queen Latifah’s brother. Especially at Carter’s age.

I would also say, however, that people should probably stop going to North Korea. I’m not sure what they’re looking for or what they think they’re going to find. Those two journalists Clinton sprung went there to document the cruelty of the North Korean regime and the suffering of its people. Like we need that documented. No shit people are suffering there. Whenever your leader wears the same gray tunic that bad guys in Kung Fu movies wear then I’m guessing that the people aren’t all robust and happy.

Frankly, if North Korea and all of its military might can’t stop Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter then I’m starting to wonder just why the rest of the world is so afraid of them. But then again, we would need special sunglasses to see Clinton and Carter as the extraterrestrial cyborg killing machines they really are. As for me, well, I’m here to chew gum and kick ass… and I’m all out of bubble gum.

THE VET OFFENSIVE

You have to respect John McCain. Few people know this but his body actually died 12 years ago. Since then, thanks to his inhuman telepathic ability and his decades of repressed rage, he can animate his zombified corpse through sheer will. Last night he rose from the Lazarus Pit and used his dark magic to defeat Tea Party candidate J.D. Hayworth in the Arizona Republican Senate Primary by a 2-to-1 margin.

“Despite a spirited bid by Hayworth, who cultivated support from — and staffed his campaign with — tea party activists, McCain’s $21 million blitzkrieg ultimately rendered him an unacceptable alternative, despite widespread antipathy toward McCain among many grass-roots conservatives.

McCain, the 2008 GOP presidential nominee, declared victory and took the stage before a half-filled room at the Phoenix Convention Center less than two hours after the polls closed. Hayworth had not yet called to concede the race, even after most McCain supporters had left the downtown Phoenix victory party, a McCain aide told POLITICO.” – Politico

No shit the place was empty. Everyone probably wanted to get the hell out of there before McCain showed up and began eating people. He’s like the last boss in an arcade game, flying around in a hover-chair with a laser gun and a hatchet. And Obama is that one kid who beat him and got a lifetime supply of tokens. And now none of you know what I’m talking about because you’re probably too young to remember when videogames were played in an arcade.

By that same token you’re probably too young to remember the Vietnam War. John McCain was a POW. I just recently found that out about him. He should have used it in his campaign for President. At any rate, he now goes on to the general election where he faces the unfortunately named Rodney Glassman, a Democrat on the Tucson City Council.

Considering that McCain hasn’t lost re-election since first winning the seat in 1986, I would say that Mr. Glassman’s dreams will likely end up shattered. Yeah, I know. My sense of humor is corny. Well, at least I don’t plaster on the makeup like a trollip, you cunt.

ISRAELIS ARE JUST LIKE YOU AND ME

Back in 2004 the world was outraged when photos were released depicting prisoner abuse and torture at the infamous Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. Apparently, the people in charge of the Israeli military either don’t watch the news or just have unusually poor judgment because, according to Pravda:

“Photos from the discharge album of the former member of the IDF Eden Aberdzhil which she proudly posted on her personal page on Facebook suddenly turned into a serious scandal of the international scale. Several images from the series “Army: the best days of my life” depict a girl in the IDF uniform posing next to the Palestinian detainees who are blindfolded and whose hands are tied. Despite the fact that the controversial album was deleted from the network by the Israeli military, the photographs have been widely disseminated by the media and bloggers.”

Israel claims to have “the most moral army in the world” which is somewhat comical because Hitler said the same thing about his army back in 1938. And on that note, the Holocaust was a really long time ago. Just thought I would point that out. If we’re going by this logic that you can do anything to anyone because, a long time ago, something terrible happened to your people then I’m going to grab a baseball bat and beat up my neighbors. When the police ask me why I did this I will tell them about the Irish Potato Famine and accuse them of being insensitive.

Israel has largely based its multi-pronged assault on the Gaza Strip and West Bank on complaints of rocket fire from the Palestinian territories. This raining curtain of exploding death coming into Israel has killed a total of 28 people (and several cats) since 2001. This makes Palestinian rocket fire the biggest killer of Israelis after car accidents, Hep C, choking on matzo balls and the other thousands of things which kill far more people in Israel every year. But, when building weapons is really the only way your country makes any money, well, I guess you have to blow somebody up.

Despite all of this I honestly believe Israel has a right to exist. And people who still scream about sweeping the Jews into the sea are just crazy. There have been Jews in Israel since the dawn of recorded history. They’re not going anywhere and people need to get used to it. I also don’t understand people who really hate Jews, and I accept that Jewish people have been on the receiving end of the world’s nastiness on more than a few occasions. But, more and more I find my support for Israel ending there because I’m really tired of seeing billions of dollars in U.S. taxpayer money being given to them so they can kill Arabs. Arabs, who in turn, fly airplanes into our buildings. Thanks guys.

Granted, I don’t “get” Israelis. They seem like pretty intelligent people and you have to respect that, for a tiny country, they’ve managed to kick the crap out of the Arab world every time they get attacked. On the other hand, people in Israel still go to discos. And, I think they buy their clothing from Good Will because they’re always dressed in shit my parents wore.

And their Lynndie England looks more like, well, an Israeli chick. And no offense but Israeli women seem to go out of their way to look utterly terrifying. Compared to Golda Meir, Margaret Thatcher was a fucking swimsuit model. And then we have that peach in the photo above. It looks like Amy Winehouse made a baby with The Monarch from the Venture Brothers cartoon. On the other hand, at least women in the Israeli Army don’t have to worry about being sexually assaulted if they get captured behind enemy lines. If I saw this thing coming at me with its hands in the air after a firefight I would assume that all the noise had woken up the Kraken.

ONE-IN-FIVE AMERICANS ARE NOW FUNCTIONALLY RETARDED

If you were standing in a room right now with four other people from the United States (and assuming you yourself are from America) one of you would believe that President Barack Obama is a Muslim. And I bet the other four of you would really hate that fifth guy. After a while, you’d probably gang up on him and then, well, there’d only be four Americans in a room.

At any rate, a recent poll found that a full one-fifth of the American electorate is convinced that Obama prays to Allah. From The Guardian:

“The survey by the Washington-based Pew Research Centre reflects a broader questioning among many Americans as to whether Obama is a “real” American – also reflected in the significant number who believe he was not born in the US, a constitutional requirement for presidents.

According to the poll, 18% of Americans say Obama is a Muslim, a steep rise on a year ago when the figure was 11%. The number who said the president is a Christian dropped to 34% from 43% last year.”

What do they mean by “real” American anyway? Like, he’s made out of plastic? I’ve heard the guy speak many, many times and he sounds pretty goddamn American to me. But, don’t get all wrapped up in that line of logic because when it comes to these people they never stop surprising you. The Guardian article goes on to interview Pollster Alan Cooperman:

“Cooperman said he suspected that a number of those surveyed who said the president was a Muslim do not believe it and were using it as a means to express their dislike of him. A Time magazine poll shows that one in four believe that Muslim citizens are not patriotic Americans. The same poll revealed that an even higher proportion say Muslims should not be permitted to sit on the supreme court or become president. Cooperman said calling Obama a Muslim was a way of saying that “he’s other, he’s not one of us”.

Sometimes I think that asking people complicated questions like this is a poor social measuring tool to begin with. I think the average person really has no idea what’s going on but at least they’re honest about making shit up. And thinly veiled racial hatred aside I think most people mean well in the end. Or maybe not. I don’t know.

I think the larger issue here is that the conservative movement has actually gone so far as to psychologically program the adherents of their ideology. When I hear these Tea Party/Birther/Fox News people talking I feel like I’m in some kind of galactic museum looking at specimens from another planet. And it’s mostly because these people, frustrated and passionate as they are, live in a reality which is carefully constructed for them. Primarily by people trying to sell them stuff. And all kidding aside, people like old sugartits up there are pretty damn good at it. Not Bill Clinton good, but still pretty good.

The consequence, of course, is a heavily armed chunk of the electorate which believes the earth is only 6,000 years old and that Jesus Christ is going to come back during their lifetimes. They also believe that Obama is a Nazi, which would make him the first Muslim Nazi as far as I can tell. “Communist” is another one, although that would make him the first Communist Nazi let alone the first Muslim Communist Nazi. I don’t know, I can’t think about this anymore.

SPRING BREAK!

If you haven’t been following the news, and I personally wouldn’t blame you, Mexican drug cartels recently kidnapped the mayor of Santiago, Mexico. Santiago is apparently a popular spot for tourists and home to some of the world’s most brazen home invaders. According to BBC News:

“Police said Mr Cavazos had just returned from attending a public function on the town’s main square on Sunday when 15 gunmen broke into his home and forced him into a car. State governor Rodrigo Medina said he believed Mr Cavazos may have been targeted because of his efforts to tackle corruption in the local police force. The abduction followed a weekend of violence in Monterrey, some 430 miles (700km) north of Mexico City.”

Apparently snatching the mayor, and then later murdering him, was just the climax of an unusually bloody weekend. On Saturday the local drug cartels decided to play Grand Theft Auto in the streets and see how many stars they could rack up. Via Thaindian.com:

“The killing follows an increase in violence over the weekend in Monterrey, where drug cartel members blocked off more than 29 major roads on Saturday, dragging drivers out of their vehicles and using their cars to block off streets. The blockade occurred after a shootout with the Mexican army and members of the drug cartel that resulted in the death of four people. Police say that the cartels block off the streets as a show of force.”

I remember those Mexican tourism commercials when I was a kid in which they made Mexico look like Fantasy Island. And it astounds me how many people vacation there considering that the place is starting to look more and more like Mogadishu. Although I’m surprised that only four people died in a shootout between a drug cartel and the Mexican Army. I kill four people every morning before my first cup of coffee.

I’m not entirely sure that Mexico is an actual country at this point. I know it’s on a map, and it has borders and there’s a flag involved but I can’t fight the nagging suspicion that we have a dangerously dysfunctional state on our Southern border. And it’s not to belittle the Mexican people who, from everything I can see, get the dirty end of a double-headed dildo both in the U.S. and in Mexico. It also doesn’t help that their leader is a jackass.

“President Felipe Calderon, who has staked his presidency on a faltering drug war, condemned the “cowardly assassination” of Edelmiro Cavazos, the mayor of a town on the outskirts of Monterrey, an industrial center with close U.S. business ties.

“The murder of Edelmiro is an outrage and forces us to redouble our efforts to fight these cowardly criminals,” Calderon wrote in a Twitter update.” –  Reuters.com

First of all, public officials everywhere need to stop Twittering. Most especially when responding to the abduction and execution of a fellow elected official. Secondly, note the use of the words “faltering” and “drug war” and “Mexico” in that quote. Mexico needs Dirty Harry for a President at a time like this, not K.I.T.T.

If you ask me (and it’s kind of rude that you didn’t) I have to wonder why, if we can go halfway around the planet and topple Saddam’s Iraq, can we not rebuild a functioning nation right on our own doorstep? Yes, that would involve invading Mexico. And it would mean maintaining a military and civilian presence for decades, possibly centuries. The trade-off would be a rich, prospering neighbor where Niko Bellic isn’t dumping severed heads on the steps of the local courthouse.

I STILL DON’T KNOW WHO RUSSELL SIMMONS IS

Russell Simmons is famous because his ex-wife is on a reality TV show. His ex-wife has a reality TV show because she’s Russell Simmons’ ex-wife. The missing component here? Who the Hell is Russell Simmons? I don’t know. Other than playing Urkel on Family Matters back in the 80’s, I’m really not sure why he’s famous.

There’s a baseball hat involved so I’m guessing it has something to do with rap music. Or baseball. But probably rap music. I say that because Russell Simmons looks more like that guy who, at like 70-years-old, finally gets to sit in the Yankee’s dugout because he’s dying of Cancer or something. And now I’m totally confused because he and his famous ex-wife are having a yard sale and, much to the surprise of all that is rational and sane, it’s a news story. According to NY Latin Culture Examiner:

“This yard sale is not your typical “someone else’s junk, is someone else’s treasure,” tag sale. The Simmons’ yard sale in the ritzy Saddle River section of north New Jersey does not have your, “2 for $10.00 lamps”, or “buy this $25.00 rug and get this chair free.” The exclusive, lavish open-to-the-public tag sale which started Thursday, and will end Saturday, boasts heavyweight designer furniture, rugs, end tables, and art pieces going for $10,000 and up.”

I had a yard sale once myself. It was not mentioned in any periodicals at the time and I didn’t sell a damn thing. And I work for a living. I don’t just run around wearing baseball hats and reminding everyone that I have a famous ex-wife with her own reality show. Not that I wouldn’t do that if I could.

In other news, there is a movement afoot in Congress to change the 14^th Amendment to the Constitution. We’ve also been at war in Afghanistan longer than we’ve been at war ever before in our nation’s history and there’s no end in sight. There’s also still several million barrels of oil floating in the Gulf of Mexico. But, Webster and his famous ex-wife are selling their shit so, you know, stop the presses.



BOB’S YOUR UNCLE

British guys are the best movie villains. They are, with all due respect, a bunch of right fucking bastards. From Hannibal Lecter to Ebenezer Scrooge to the entire Imperial Officer Corps in Star Wars, British guys are pretty much the best baddies you can get anywhere. Seriously, they’re assholes.

I love the British people though. And it’s not just because they’re the only country where they speak a language kind of like mine. I love them because listening to British people talk is really, well, relaxing. Whenever I hear that English accent I just start envisioning a warm little cottage in the country. An old man lights a pipe. We gather around the fireplace and listen to gramps tell us a story…

Via Slate.com:

“Once the questions finally began—more than two hours after the hearing started and after a protestor had been removed from the room—everyone’s role clarified. The Republicans on the subcommittee, who number eight, think BP has been very bad. The Democrats, who number 13, think BP has been very, very bad. Hayward, who sat alone at the witness table, agrees that something very bad has happened. He’s just not sure about BP’s part in it. He’d like to withhold judgment for the moment, thank you.”

It’s rather surprising to me that the conservative movement, now claiming to represent the revolutionary ideals of our founding fathers, haven’t gotten angrier about a spotty little Englishman and his British oil empire shitting all over our lawn. Then again, these aren’t the droids you’re looking for. That’s right. Come on old chap, let’s have a nice warm cup of tea and a quiet chat. It will all get sorted in the end. There’s a good man.

Then again, of course, Bob’s your uncle. Whatever the hell that means. I don’t know. I hear English people say it all the time. I think it has something to do with masturbating.