joe biden is here to rescue you

I’ve been doing these Star Wars themed posts for about as long as I’ve done this site. Sometimes I imagine the world as A New Hope and I try to cast real people in the roles they’re playing. In real life. In my head. In the movie. On my site. Whatever. Fuck, man, for the last nine months or so it’s mostly been vodka in the coffee cup during Zoom meetings and jerking off in my sleep. Don’t you judge me. Or, go ahead and judge me. I don’t care. Fuck it. Go nuts.

It’s a fact as far as I’m concerned (although I don’t know who else would be concerned) that in American Presidential politics the more charismatic candidate wins. Even if the bar is set extremely low. Jimmy Carter didn’t have to try too hard to outcharm Gerald Ford. Four years later, however, Carter was reduced to a pile of bathroom caulk standing next to Ronald Reagan. George Bush (not that one, the other one) looked like a fucking porn star next to Mike Dukakis. He still looked like a porn star next to Bill Clinton. Just, you know, like the star of bathroom or zoo porn or something. Bob Dole looked so old in the 90’s I thought his skin was going to fall off (and by Zegendorfian wizardry the guy is still alive). The only person I know of who can do a John Kerry impersonation is Al Gore. And, the more I think about it I’m convinced that Walter Mondale, John McCain and Mitt Romney! are all the same person. Or, at the very least, temporally displaced triplets birthed by some kind of giant, monochromatic vagina.

Then we have Joe Biden. Old Rock and Roll Joe. A man so bland he defies impersonation. And yet, like his Star Wars counterpart, he’s the one who came along at the last moment with an unbuttoned shirt, a crooked smile and a half-baked plan. And goddamn, it worked. In the end Trump did exactly as we feared: he tried to steal the election. Fortunately, in typical Trump fashion, he did a half-assed job. And despite a white nationalist riot at the Capitol building to protest the election of an old white man (yeah, I know) the guy decked out the Oval with a pair of bitchin’ Pioneer speakers from 1989 and dusted off that old vinyl copy of Pyromania.

“As Joe Biden sat down in the Oval Office on Wednesday, just hours after being sworn in as the 46th president of the United States, it was clear more had changed in the room than the administration.

Biden revealed some new decor as he invited reporters into his new office to watch him sign a stack of executive orders. Donald Trump’s portrait of Andrew Jackson – the censured and fellow populist 19th-century president – was replaced with Benjamin Franklin, meant to signal Biden’s interest in science, according to the Washington Post. Other intentional changes include a portrait of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and paired paintings of Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton – representing two people with vastly differing ideologies who worked together.

Placed on the mantle and other shelving are now busts of Martin Luther King Jr, Rosa Parks, and Robert Kennedy. Also notable are a bust of César Chávez, the American labor leader and Latin American activist, and a sculpture of the Chiricahua Apache Tribe, which belonged to the late senator Daniel K Inouye, the first Japanese American elected to both houses of Congress.” – The Guardian

I’m not going to mock the guy for being old. Even though I often have. Shit, one day I’m going to be his age and if I can still blow up the Death Star too then it’s all rock and roll to me, man. Consider that a week ago today Trump was still President. And yet I already feel like an actual grownup is in charge for a change. It’s kind of how I felt when Obama took over after Bush, or when Bo and Luke Duke took over again from Coy and Vance. An interest in science. A subtle message about inclusivity and diversity. Sure it’s boring. But boring just sounds… nice right now. Like a bowl of warm soup at my favorite restaurant in the middle of winter. Naked.

Like the Death Star itself, Trump was an obvious and deeply flawed threat. Although I’ve been wrong about him before I think he came as close to doing the Kessel run in 12 parsecs as he was ever going to. I have a funny feeling that his later years aren’t going to be kind to him, personally. And I don’t mean like he forgets the punchlines to jokes and gets lost in the men’s room. I mean he wanders around naked covered with poop and screams at children. And the non-bowel movement he started (which I think was always there and always will be) will continue to be a problem going forward.

For now, however, we’re all clear kid. Let’s blow that thing and go home.

HEY KID… WELCOME TO THE WAR

I watched two films today. The first was Michael Moore’s FAHRENHEIT 11/9. The other was Paul Greengrass’ new film 22 JULY. One I watched legitimately on my television in my living room. The other I also watched on my television in my living room. Legitimately. At least as far as I see it. At any rate, I’ll leave you all to form your own conclusions about my viewing habits. Shit man, I have kids. I’m lucky to watch anything that doesn’t star Robert Downey Jr. or Josh Brolin. Or, you know, Josh Brolin.

I think everyone knows who Michael Moore is at this point. I’ve seen all his films. The average person has seen a few. Fahrenheit 9/11 was really his Toad Elevating Moment. Don’t get me wrong, I love the man. During the black days of the Bush Administration he was one of the few things that kept me going. Younger people might not remember but politics was a nasty business back then.

In FAHRENHEIT 11/9 Moore approaches the rise of the militant right with the same journalistic intellectualism that failed us on the actual 11/9. He does his usually effective job of pulling the masks off of the establishment. He does a very good job of showing us what happens when basic government controls fail. But I left with the distinct feeling that even Moore didn’t really understand how we got to where we are. He seems strikingly perplexed when dealing with people he has built his career on claiming to understand.

I was having fun at that point. So I sat down and watched 22 July. Yeah, this fucking guy. Remember this shit? I do. I’m kind of a lot of fun at parties.

22 July is a very different kind of film. Especially if you have children. No, seriously. Especially. Paul Greengrass is known for making movies that feel like documentaries. He’s tackled 9/11, the hijacking of a cargo ship and one of the pivotal moments in the history of the war for Northern Ireland. He doesn’t exactly do CGI shit and pies to the face.

22 July is an incredibly difficult film to watch. This is not a film which deals with a mass shooting. It shows a mass shooting. As it took place. No fast edits. No panning away for the worst parts. The entire attack is over by minute 34 (the entire run time of the film is 2 1/2 hours) and yet you’re going to need to pause the film for a break at that point. A serious one. As in call people you love and make sure they’re okay.

Then you should turn the film back on and watch the rest.

You’ll have the obvious political reactions about gun control, multiculteralism and deranged people living in the middle of fucking nowhere. And while there are no clear references to any other mass killings in the film you can’t help but think of them all while watching this. I think that’s the point and it’s a pretty fucking good one. Mass killings soak up so much of our attention and social conversation yet very, very few of us will ever witness one. See one. Watch one. Be involved in one at point blank range.

If you’re like me you’ll also be left with a very real understanding of just how hollow modern liberalism is. Or, at least can be. And those are not words which come easily to me. I’m a liberal. But then again, my favorite liberal fought Hitler from a wheelchair. I forget sometimes that modern liberal ideas and arguments, eloquent and righteous as they might be, offer no realistic protection from this kind of thing. And while I’m always going to teach my children about liberal ideas I’m also going to make sure they’re armed with more than arguments.

 

I’LL BE BACK

I was changing my youngest child’s shit filled diaper this morning when I suddenly started thinking about Donald Trump. It’s his inauguration day. He’s the President now. He’s in charge. He’s in the captain’s chair. That mail order bride he married is First Lady.

But then again I thought “Eh, fuck him.” And why not? That’s what he thinks of me. And you. And the guy next door dying of Gulf War Syndrome (who probably voted for him). And the unemployed drunk down the road who used to work at the mill (who probably voted for him). And the morbidly obese woman who never married and hates the gays (who probably voted for him). And that religious guy in the neighborhood everyone goes out of their way to avoid (who probably voted for him).

I started Magnus Greel shortly after Obama entered office. Eight years of Bush (not that one, the other one) didn’t drive me to blog. It took a President I actually liked and respected taking office for me to realize that the resistance doesn’t have the luxury of waiting until the bad guys take over. Sooner or later the bad guys always take over. And sooner or later the bad guys either fuck up or are defeated. If the resistance doesn’t have their shit together then other bad guys take over.

Those of you who have followed this site know I have done this many times over the years. Those of you who haven’t, well, pay closer fucking attention. You’re not doing anything important.

“My fellow Americans. How does it feel? How does it feel to finally have the yoke of ultimate oppression removed from your necks? It’s over. I’m done. The scary black man is out of office. I know all you white folks out there are happy. Not normal white folks. Special white folks. Those other white folks that the normal white folks don’t like associating with.

For eight years I put up with your shit. Paul Ryan. Mitch McConnell. John Beener. Or Boner. Whatever. Who fucking cares. Nothing but “Nazi” this and “Soviet” that. Funny that the guy you just elected is both of those fucking things. Anyone see his birth certificate? No. No, you never even fucking asked. He’s rich and he’s white so, gee, he must be from ‘Merica. For all you know he could be from fucking South Africa. And yes, there are white people from South Africa. Not that the special white people in America would know that. You’ve never looked at a map. Or read a book. Or seen an opioid you didn’t crush and snort like there’s no tomorrow.

I like how the special white people in America think that the jobs should come to them. For everyone else in the history of the world, normal white people included, one had to go where the work was. But not you. You’re special. Not sure why. But what the hell. I’ll go with it. Let’s imagine a world that revolves around you.

I see a fucking McDonald’s on every corner. Check cashing places and payday advance outfits. I see repo men and debt collectors having a grand old time taking back that American made truck that no longer works. Yeah. Welcome to your brave new world. I see Twinkies for your kids at lunch. At home. Not at school. Ha ha ha ha! There’s no fucking school lunches. Everyone is on their own. Hooray. Don’t tread on me. And when you get sick, because you eat like shit and don’t exercise, I see you blaming liberal ideas like universal healthcare. And when your children grow up functionally retarded because they’ve been taught that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, that gravity isn’t real and that space travel makes Jesus angry… well, you probably won’t even notice. Because special white people don’t change. They just keep on reproducing. Like roaches.

Well, I hate to shatter this wonderful dream of diabetes and foreclosure. But, I’m not going anywhere. And there isn’t shit you can do about it. I’m not in office anymore. I don’t need your vote anymore. I don’t need your approval. I don’t even need you to like me. I just need you to understand that you don’t live in the country you think you live in. And every time you turn on the TV, which you do like it’s a bodily function, there I’ll be. Smiling at you. Waving at you. Giving you the goddamned finger.

You never got me down, folks. You never got me down.”

 

GO AWAY, OR DONALD TRUMP SHALL TAUNT YOU A SECOND TIME

In the opening scene of MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL, King Arthur and his Knights of Camelot find themselves at the gates of a French castle. Seeking help on their quest for the Holy Grail they are subjected to crude taunts, childish behavior and eventually a hail of small animals and even a cow. As I watched Donnie Boy’s first press conference since becoming President-elect I couldn’t help but notice the similarities. The American news media was basically playing the part of dopey establishment clowns banging coconuts together while Trump perched high on his tower telling them that their fathers smelt of elderberries.

“Well, that sure escalated quickly.

“That” was Donald J. Trump’s inaugural news conference as a duly elected United States president-to-be, in which he called BuzzFeed a “failing pile of garbage,” dismissed CNN as “fake news” and more or less told the whole lot of reporters at Trump Tower to stuff it when it comes to his unreleased tax returns because everyday Americans don’t care and, anyway, “I won.”

There were two big lessons in the Wednesday morning melee.

1. Mr. Trump remains a master media manipulator who used his first news briefing since July to expertly delegitimize the news media and make it the story rather than the chaotic swirl of ethical questions that engulf his transition.

2. The news media remains an unwitting accomplice in its own diminishment as it fails to get a handle on how to cover this new and wholly unprecedented president.

It better figure things out, fast, because it has found itself at the edge of the cliff. And our still-functioning (fingers crossed) democracy needs it to stay on the right side of the drop.” – THE NEW YORK TIMES

What the hell are you talking about, man? We’re not at the edge of the cliff. We’re on the floor of the flaming pit below. Or lake of feces. I think the Methodists believe something about a lake of feces. Maybe it’s the Quakers. I don’t know. This really isn’t my area. The point being that the media in America long ago went over a cliff. The poor sods at that press conference have basically become that kid you kept inviting to parties in high school just so you could make fun of him. Trump is basically that asshole wearing a letterman jacket who threatens to fight anyone who makes fun of his acne.

On the other hand, who the hell am I to sit here and talk about Trump’s behavior? You wouldn’t want me up there. Hell no. I’d have shown them my ass or my dick and said something like “I’m sorry, homo says what?” every time they asked me a question. Trump frightens us precisely because at some level he mirrors us. Granted, it’s the very worst of us. But, us nonetheless. Given the opportunity I too would have verbally abused a member of the goddamned Bush family or John McCain. And even though I’m pretty liberal I don’t give a fat shit about what Meryl Streep thinks either.

And no, I have never grabbed a woman anywhere except by the strings of her heart. Fucking perverts.

DONALD TRUMP HAS WON THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE

In the recent film STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Han Solo is murdered by his own son, Ben. Most people I know feel the tragedy was the death of one of science fiction’s most iconic characters. For me, the truly sad part was that up until the very last moment Han Solo really believed everything was going to be okay. He really believed that, despite the glaring evidence to the contrary, Ben was going to just give up his lightsaber and come home. That he wasn’t going to gut his father like a fish and then more-or-less get on with his day.

I guess that’s the same way I view all the people who were convinced, right up until the very last moment, that the Electoral College was going to elect anyone other than Comrade Trump.

“Millions of Americans who consider Mr Trump unfit to occupy the Oval Office have signed an online petition calling for Republican electors not to vote as directed by their state’s popular ballot.

Some have posted electors copies of founding father Alexander Hamilton’s writings in his Federalist Papers, which state that the meeting of the electoral college “affords a moral certainty, that the office of President will never fall to the lot of any man who is not in an eminent degree endowed with the requisite qualifications”.

A handful of Democratic electors are so desperate to stop Mr Trump that they have even offered to vote against Hillary Clinton and unite with the other electors behind a consensus Republican candidate.” – BBC NEWS.

Look, folks, I can’t claim to be the voice of sanity and reason. Or even decency. I’m probably not even going to make you feel any better by reading this site. My motto has always been “Standing watch on the frontline between reality and bullshit”. Or “Seeing the world with painful clarity”. Or maybe it has something to do with Freemasons and a male hooker. I forget. And I forget what my point was going to be. Pot is legal now in California so THC is going to be my close, personal friend for at least the next four years. But something tells me I’m going to forget stuff…

At any rate just take a deep breath and relax. Have a seat. Put on some Chuck Wild (seriously, if you have small children you need to get heavily into the Chuck Wild). Burn one. Pour one. And just listen to me very, very carefully.

The odds are that the next four years will be the darkest and most painful you have ever experienced. We’ll see a ray of hope with the next elections. It will be something to coalesce around but I have no idea how they will turn out. And even then, they’re just elections. It doesn’t change the fact that we share a country with people who are lethally stupid. And they’re all fucking excited now so they’re going to rub this shit in your face every chance they get. And we’ll try the “they go low, we go high” shit for a while. Until we realize that politics is a street fight, not tryouts for the fucking debate team.

 

POLITICS IS MAKING YOU CRAZY

Unlike most talking heads and media outlets I wanted to take my time with my post-election piece. The problem with the rapid pace of today’s media is that it has traded substance for speed. The outcome of this election might have been different had many of us stopped taking so much for granted and took the time for critical thinking. It might also have helped if I didn’t walk around the house in a bathrobe. I mean, it wouldn’t have changed anything but I would probably feel like less of a slouch.

With that in mind here’s my list of six things I keep hearing since the election and why I think they sound fucking crazy. I know, I hate list journalism. But it’s the norm now. And if you can’t beat them then join them. Which is actually how I ended up a member of my local Furry hookup group, but I digress. Or do I?

“Democrats need to win back the white working class”

No. Those people are already long gone. The Democratic Party began hemorrhaging them like Sissy Spacek on her period as far back as Nixon. A lot of them came out for Bill Clinton, yes, but in the big picture he was an outlier. He was also highly entertaining which is ultimately what these people respond to. I grew up in a heavily blue collar part of Chicago but my parents were both college graduates as I am now. This is probably why I don’t walk around using words like “nigger” and “faggot”. It’s why I don’t give a damn about sports or church. And when I think we should bomb another country I pride myself on being able to find it on a map. If you think the working class will ever want to come back to the party of education and social progress then you’re out of your fucking mind.

“Hillary was robbed”

No. Hillary was a mediocre candidate at best. She tried to use the exact same playbook she got beaten like a redheaded stepchild with eight years ago. When you have to run as the lesser of two evils then there’s something fundamentally wrong with your candidacy. Consider that Trump won roughly the same number of votes Mitt Romney! won four years ago. Hillary, despite winning the popular vote, still didn’t come close to Obama’s numbers. This tells me that Trump doesn’t represent a new political order. It tells me that the left got lazy because their candidate really did kind of suck. Which brings me to my next point…

“This country is too sexist for a woman President”

To a core group of baby boomer women this election was all about a woman becoming President. To just about everyone else it was about economics. It was about changing demographics and how uneducated white people are reacting to them. It was about a broken immigration system (and yeah, it’s fucking broken). Trump and Sanders were as popular as they were because they represented something new. Just because you’re a woman running for President doesn’t mean you’re an outsider. Hillary screamed establishment. Don’t blame my lack of enthusiasm for her on my alleged sexism. I have a porn collection which is far more indicative of that than my voting record.

“This was a fluke. Just wait for 2018 and 2020”

Look at a map and you’ll see that in 2018 Democrats will be lucky to hold the line. In 2020 most, if not all, of the people who voted for Trump will vote for him again. Donald Trump can get caught on camera raping a little girl and her cat while personally flying Mexican drug dealers over the border on his plane. They’ll still vote for him. Defeating a sitting President isn’t impossible, but it’s going to be very difficult. Probably harder than that meme you’re forwarding to everyone on Facebook would have you believe.

“The internet is no longer a reliable source of information”

People are not reliable sources of information. The internet is composed of people, even the smartest and most educated of whom can be reduced to complete fucking retards in the span of a few tweets. Shit man, it happens to me all the time. This is because most of what’s on the internet is emotion, not information. Which brings me to my final point…

“We didn’t realize just how much anger is out there”

No. You didn’t realize how much ignorance is out there. Most of the anger is just a byproduct. Those of us repulsed by Donald Trump should not spend the next four years trying to “speak the language of these people”. We should call stupid when we see it. Yes, you’re stupid for wanting to build a wall on our border. Yes, you’re stupid for thinking that companies will bring back jobs to middle America, especially when your lack of education is half the reason they left. Yes, you’re stupid for wanting to bomb (insert name of country you know nothing about here). I’m not going to try and understand people who are inherently racist, sexist, xenophobic and morbidly obese. I’m going to focus on beating them. I recommend you do the same.

Are You There God? It’s Me, Debbie.

There is a scene in the film DEADPOOL in which the title character finds himself captured by a mutant named Colossus. Deadpool can heal. So fast that it’s impossible to kill him. But Colossus is a man who can turn into steel and, in doing so, becomes virtually indestructible. He takes Deadpool by the hand and leads him away. Deadpool responds by sawing his own hand off, spraying blood across Colossus’ face and looking into the camera to say “Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.”

The joke has little to do with the actual Judy Blume book ARE YOU THERE GOD? IT’S ME, MARGARET. Except, perhaps, for the splattering period blood reference. Which I suppose you could make funny without the reference to a 45 year old book. Some jokes are just timeless that way. Like the one about the ugly but rich girl who takes a bad rap for her best friend, an admittedly no better looking, equally rich yet way more popular girl (I’m so over hyphens at this point) and ends up suffering for it.

“Even after a humiliating defenestration that left her sidelined the day before the Democratic convention began — the convention that she had helped plan for the candidate she had worked so loyally and doggedly to nominate — Debbie Wasserman Schultz would not be denied her moment.

Ms. Wasserman Schultz, who resigned as chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee on Sunday after an embarrassing email leak, nevertheless kept a full schedule, attending caucus meetings and delegation gatherings and meeting with Jewish Democrats. On Thursday night, she wore a bright blue sleeveless dress with a big “H” button affixed to it. And when Mrs. Clinton took the stage, Ms. Wasserman Schultz beamed, looking anything but self-pitying.

Yet this has not been the week Ms. Wasserman Schultz had hoped she would have in Philadelphia. It began with the leak of emails from the Democratic National Committee’s servers that showed her staff taking Mrs. Clinton’s side in her drawn-out primary fight with Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont, a disclosure that enraged Mr. Sanders’s already disgruntled supporters.

Still, Ms. Wasserman Schultz tried to press ahead.” – The New York Times

Yeah, this isn’t the joke I remember. The one I was going to tell ended with this Schultz person walking barefoot across a bunch of snot covered thumbtacks. Or there’s another version where she has a car door and is about to walk across the desert. I definitely haven’t heard the version where she rigs an election and then just sort of goes on with her life driving the Magic School Bus. Or whatever the hell it is she does.

And no shit she “tried to press ahead”. I often try to “press ahead”. Especially when where I’m standing is somewhere I don’t want to be. Now that I think about it I “press ahead” on a daily basis. Almost hourly. One time, when I was doing like 100 miles an hour through somebody else’s neighborhood, a cop tried to stop me. I nevertheless “tried to press ahead”. I got shot. Fucking tasered. I didn’t get off because my likeness had been used for 90’s era Chelsea Clinton blowup sex dolls (look at her picture and tell me I’m wrong).

But that seems to be the theme of this election: getting away with shit right in front of everyone and then expecting to be rewarded anyhow. Hillary should just put that on her fucking website along with a picture of her giving us the finger with the words “And you’ll fucking do it” scrawled beneath her.  And will I indeed “fucking do it”? You know, take one for the “team” and vote for Hillary? Truth is, I’m not sure.

Needless to say I’ll never vote for Trump. But that doesn’t mean I have to vote for Clinton. Oh, I’ll vote. Maybe I’ll vote Green, which I think has something to do with St. Patrick’s Day. I’m not sure. Or those guys who want to bring back the Wild West. I forget their names but what the hell. Is Lyndon LaRouche still a thing? Anyway, the problem Hillary faces is this: I already hate Donald Trump. But, I never thought in a million years I would find myself wondering if I hate her more. And while I’m not there yet, I can only say that every time I see that specimen up there smiling in the audience I get a little closer.

Because right now I feel a lot like Deadpool. And Hillary is Colossus dragging me off to some place I don’t want to go…

 

 

Hillary Clinton Is Coming To Get You

Whenever I see pictures like this I wonder why we bother having software like Photoshop. And why you would strike a pose like this as a political candidate is beyond me. There’s no good way to use this image. Well, for her. For me on the other hand it’s just the sort of thing that gets me back to blogging after… well, a while. And it is truly sad when the only two people disgusting enough to get me back to Greel are a mass murdering Norwegian lunatic and Hillary Clinton.

Clinton officially became the Democratic nominee for President last night. And, for some odd reason, she decided to finish her acceptance speech by impersonating Donald Sutherland from INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. The Washington Post caption for this picture was “Hillary Clinton acknowledges the crowd”. No human being has ever acknowledged another human being this way outside of the Spanish Inquisition.

But enough about Hillary’s old man scrotum photo appeal. I didn’t fire this bad boy up just to make jokes about how un-telegenic she is. Or about how crazy he is and how wrong we all were about him. Or about how beyond insane this election is. You don’t need me for any of that. Magnus Greel was never here to tell you something you didn’t know, unless it was about my masturbating habits or my once empassioned romance with Michele Bachmann.

People who have read this site have been asking why I’m not right in the thick of this whole circus. “This election is like nothing before! Why aren’t you blogging about this?” Well, that’s the thing: this election is just like every one before it. Just because the candidates are historically unpopular doesn’t change the fact that this is the same demented kabuki theater we are forced to sit through every four years. And just like with every election before we are all getting played like an air guitar at a Metallica concert.

There is nothing shocking, different or rebellious about Donald Trump. Anyone who has ever spent more than ten minutes with a white man whose education tops out at the 12th grade has heard all of this before. Border walls. Bombing “the hell” out of people. The “Moslems”. Fart and dick jokes. All of it. Donald Trump is a conservative. This is what conservatives sound like.

As for Bernie, well, it was a noble effort. Even though it was never going to work and he was clearly as surprised as anyone that his campaign got as far as it did. But even he was a scripted character in this bizarre play. He was meant to elevate our sense of hope and excitement. Like an appetizer at a shitty restaurant. The main course sucks but you’re all eager and hungry from the hors d’oeuvres so you just swallow it down anyway. Then get blinding drunk and hope you don’t puke.

Drinking and puking is, of course, what brings me to Hillary Clinton. Because that’s what we’re all going to be doing for four years if she gets elected. Nobody is excited for this person to become President. Well, a few people are. Madeleine Albright and that woman who was married to Christian Bale’s dad seem to be excited. But, at their age, making it to and from the shower without the obligatory hip breaking probably gets them excited. And don’t try and tell me that I should be excited. Or happy. Or okay with it because, you know, Trump.

And yes, one is just as bad as the other. Meryll Streep and Oprah Winfrey can run around shouting and cheering like communications majors on spring break all they want. My liberal and progressive friends can post all the witty, researched and intelligent arguments they want on social media. The Clinton Campaign can blind and deafen me with images and testimonials about what a really caring and great lady she is.

This sucks and you know it.

can a nazi get a table dance?

Every now and then I take a moment to think about the worst possible thing I could ever do. Angrily masturbating in front of a cancer patient. Tackling a quadriplegic. Fucking Hillary Clinton. I don’t actually do it because I’m not crazy. And, yes, we’re allowed to use the word “crazy”. I feel comfortable with the word “crazy”. If I had to compare myself to someone who killed 77 people in one day I would probably use words like “crazy” and not lose a whole lot of sleep over it.

“Mass killer Anders Behring Breivik claimed in court on Tuesday that Norway was violating his human rights by keeping him in isolation for murdering 77 people in 2011, but irritated the judge at the start of proceedings with a Nazi salute.

Clean-shaven and wearing a black suit, white shirt and golden tie, Breivik raised his right arm in a flat-handed Nazi-style salute on arrival at the court, slightly different from the outstretched arm and clenched fist he used in 2012.

His lawyer initially said Breivik considers himself a national socialist, or Nazi, and that the gesture was “the worst thing you can do in a courtroom”. He later suggested it was an old Norse gesture.

Judge Helen Andenaes Sekulic was not pleased either way. She told Breivik not to repeat the salute when court proceedings resume on Wednesday.” – REUTERS

No, actually, the “worst thing you can do in a courtroom” is complain to a judge about how you’ve been treated in prison after killing 77 people. In one day. The fucking salute is just icing on the cake at that point. And whatever the Vikings had in mind I’m sure it didn’t involve a lonely, heavily armed man with nothing but an internet connection and a copy of Mein Kempf. Or maybe it did. Fuck if I know. At any rate he might as well have pretended to pull a quarter out of the bailiff’s ear or goose stepped around the courtroom screaming about how Anne Frank was a myth.

So what are these cruel and inhumane conditions he’s being kept in? I mean, I’m guessing that a guy who killed 77 people (in one day) is forced to sleep on spikes and spend his days being chased by bleeding AIDS victims, right? Tell me I’m right…

“Breivik’s lawyer, Oeystein Storrvik, accused Norway of violating a ban on “inhuman and degrading treatment” under the European Convention on Human Rights by keeping the 37-year-old isolated from other inmates in a special three-room cell.

“There is no tradition in Norway for this type of isolation,” he told the special court that will meet until Friday in a gymnasium at Skien jail about 100 km (60 miles) south of Oslo.

Norway rejects the charges of inhuman treatment.

“Breivik is a very dangerous man,” said Marius Emberland, the lawyer representing the state, defending Breivik’s conditions.

He said another prisoner tried to attack Breivik last year, getting to within earshot. When stopped by guards, the man shouted: “You are a killer, a child killer … And I love my country,” Emberland said.

will meet until Friday in a gymnasium at Skien jail about 100 km (60 miles) south of Oslo.”

A “special three-room cell”? That’s not isolation. That’s an apartment in jail. My first place was a studio and I didn’t kill anybody. And of course he’s a “very dangerous man”. He killed 77 people. In one day. He’s probably in isolation to protect everyone else in the prison. And the planet. He’s obviously the closest thing the real world will ever have to a Marvel villain. That guy who got close enough to yell at him (which, apparently, is the worst thing that can happen to you in a Norwegian prison. After you kill 77 people. In one day) must be a total badass. He’s probably a mutant. Or just a guy comfortable being in jail in Norway. I think I would be comfortable in jail in Norway.

On that note, “you are a child killer and I love my country” is lame prison smack. I mean it would make a killer title for a metal album. Or a cool bumper sticker. Hell, now that I think about it, I’m going to confront people at random on the street and scream it at the top of my lungs.

 

 

RICK SCOTT IS READY FOR YOU TO STOP BEING CREEPED OUT BY HIM

I freely admit that I pick out the most ridiculous pictures possible for this site. And yes, if I don’t like someone I will spend as much time as I need to looking for that one picture where they are in mid-sneeze or something. Hey, the New York Times does it all the time and they’re practically shitting Pulitzers. But me? No, I’m a jerk.

The nice thing about Florida Republican Governor Rick “The Corneas” Scott is that you can choose a picture of him at random from the internet and he will reliably look like he forgot to take his thyroid medication. He has a medical condition of some kind. No joke. Like, I seriously hope the guy gets help because he’s clearly dying. Or turning into a serpent. One of the two.

Scott is in a tight reelection battle against Democrat Charlie Crist, who is really nobody to write home about either. I mean, if I lived in Florida I would vote for Crist. But, then again, I would vote for a zoo animal if it kept Republicans out of office. Here’s why:

“There is no graver responsibility and act of state government than an execution.

In Florida this week, a campaign fundraiser takes precedence.

Attorney General Pam Bondi persuaded Gov. Rick Scott to postpone an execution scheduled for tonight because it conflicted with her re-election kick-off reception.

“What’s going on down there? It’s ridiculous,” said Phyllis Novick, the Ohio mother of one of Marshall Lee Gore’s victims, when told Monday about the reason for the delay.

Gore, 50, raped, strangled and stabbed 30-year-old Robyn Novick in 1988 before dumping her body into a Miami-Dade County trash heap. Gore was also sentenced to die for the slaying of 19-year-old Susan Roark, whose body was found a few months later in Columbia County.” – TAMPA BAY TIMES

I can imagine no version of the conversation that took place between Scott and Bondi that doesn’t involve both of them laughing hysterically about what horrible people they are. I think they were trying to outdo each other. Scott probably suggested setting a blind man on fire. Bondi responded by offering to run over a crippled child’s puppy in her car. Scott probably hit back by suggesting they both push an old lady down the stairs. Bondi hit the homer by asking him to postpone the execution of a murderer/rapist so she could get drunk with rich people.

You have to admit, Republicans have a pretty good racket. Their basic ideology is that government is bad and doesn’t work. When Republicans get elected they purposely fuck up the government so they can say “Hey, look. This shit don’t work.” That’s brilliant. I actually followed a similar line of thinking about marriage and parenthood. All my life I believed getting married and having children would make me age quicker and generally unpleasant to be around. When I got married and had children, I purposely stressed myself out to the point of shitting blood so I could prove that I was right. I’m a college graduate you know.