THE ULTIMATE ILLEGAL ALIEN

I know this story is like a week old but I only just read about it today. Maybe I’m slipping. Or, more accurately, I’m just not interested in seeing anything other than Bin Laden’s death photo right now. I’m comfortable with my numbness to graphic violence.

Superman apparently has decided to renounce his U.S. citizenship. How this is international news is beyond me. Because, you know, he’s a comic book character. And we live on planet Earth. But, it’s just one more of those things I will never understand like math or underwear.

“Superman decided that in an increasingly global world, it was counterproductive for him to be branded as an instrument of U.S. policy. He came from another planet, after all, which gave him a “larger picture.”

It is difficult to exaggerate the indignation that this risky act of renunciation of citizenship caused among the U.S. public, which saw it as a slap in the face. I have read bloggers (I’m not making this up!) who propose deporting Superman to the planet Krypton, from whence he came (echoes of “America — love it or leave it”), as if he were an illegal alien. Well, he is indeed an illegal alien. (Did he go through customs to enter Kansas? Did he fill out papers for citizenship?)” – THE LOS ANGELES TIMES

Admittedly, I’ve never understood the appeal of Superman. Maybe I just think too much (not a criticism my high school teachers would have given me) but I just can’t get my head around him. He’s impervious to bullets and bombs and seems generally indestructible. Yet why do criminals still try shooting at him? Why do they even try fighting him at all? How does he shave or get his hair cut? How would he ever get surgery if he needed it?

Are his feces also indestructible? If so, where does he leave them? Does he even use the toilet? For that matter wouldn’t his urine also be chemically hazardous? What about his vomit or his snot? Surely his semen has got to be really, really dangerous. Can his flatulence kill people or destroy things? Does he even fart at all?

How does he use his X-ray vision without giving everyone around him tumors? Why is his breath so fucking cold? Can he make hot breath too? What’s with the heat vision? Does it hurt when he uses it? And where do the beams come from exactly? His eyeballs? His brain? What produces them?

If he’s from another planet, from another species, why does he look human? And how did he make a baby with Lois Lane? How does he even have sex with her without killing or injuring her? Is he into kinky stuff? Or is he pretty vanilla in the sack?

Why does nobody see that Clark Kent is obviously Superman? For that matter why does he even bother changing into a costume? What’s more, is the costume part of his body? Is it also indestructible? Sometimes I see it torn and tattered after a battle or something which leads me to wonder why, after surviving fire or acid or something, he’s not flying around naked.

As you can probably tell, I had a difficult childhood. You should see the list of questions I had about Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. And Jesus. I guess this is why I’m a lifelong Batman fan. An emotionally scarred man with a grudge and a black belt makes so much more sense to me, not some fairy in a cape flying around with his cock bulging out of his tights.

But, hey, if you’re into that kind of thing then I guess that’s cool.