THE TEA PARTY KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT IT’S DOING

There’s a scene in THE DARK KNIGHT in which Bruce Wayne and Alfred are trying to understand the seemingly chaotic and pointlessly destructive behavior of The Joker. Wayne comments that The Joker is just a criminal and all they need to figure out is what he’s really after. Alfred disagrees with him, going on to say that “Some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.” Of course, in THE DARK KNIGHT RISES he says that he would send Wayne on a date with a chimpanzee if it got him out of the house. So sometimes it’s best to take what old people say with a grain of sand. Or salt. Whatever. Nevertheless, speaking of old people saying strange things, that brings me to the Tea Party.

In watching THE DARK KNIGHT with my oldest son a week or so ago, at the height of the Republican shutdown of the government, I started to see so many parallels between The Joker and the Tea Party Conservatives in Congress. Every news outlet was acting like Bruce Wayne (billionaire playboy doofus, not cunning vigilante crime fighter) in trying to find a logical motive or endgame behind the Tea Party’s actions. Liberal and conservative pundits (because there are no moderate ones) alike were perplexed at what was going on. The “establishment” Republicans reminded me of the establishment crime bosses of Gotham City who are forced to rely on the help of The Joker, a man they clearly do not understand and who clearly does not have their best interests in mind. A man whose idea of “victory” is the end of the very thing the rest of them need to survive. Seriously, the “party of business” is trusting the help of a group that once urged businesses not to hire people so unemployment would stay high so Obama would not get re-elected.

Speaker of The House John Boehner reminded me of Harvey Dent, a man so focused on his own career and enamored by his own perceived intelligence that he’s oblivious to how seriously out of his depth he is especially when faced with the actions of The Joker. Or, the Tea Party. Whichever. The point is in the end they burned half his face off and turned him into a hated freak. And President Obama struck me as being a lot like Jim Gordon, a guy who I think genuinely wants to do the right thing and get the job done but is surrounded by schemers and ideologues with their own agendas. And yet, somehow, he’s the only guy still standing in the end.

The average American was like the average citizen of Gotham, trapped on one of two ideological boats wired with explosives and their fates directly in the hands of the other side. Most people in this country think they can just live apart from one another but, alas, they can’t. And the Joker Party is constantly trying to find new ways to get us all to turn on each other in the name of chaos. Because in the end that’s what they’re really after. For, as The Joker himself so succinctly put it “I’m a dog chasing cars in the street. I wouldn’t know what to do if I caught one.”

And finally, you might be asking who I am in all of this. Well, that’s easy. I’m Batman.

CHRIS CHRISTIE IS WORRIED THAT YOU MIGHT THINK HE’S CRAZY

 

So it’s Election Day at last. And I know for many of us it could not have come soon enough. I love politics but man I am just sick and tired of this one. I remember a time when the race for President really only went on for a few months. There were a few ads here and there. A debate or two. And then everyone voted. This shit has been going on for over a year now. Just constantly and around-the-clock. Like porn or C-Span.

Something tells me that we’re heading into an era of non-stop campaigning all year round. Every year. All the fucking time. Everybody is always constantly campaigning as opposed to just doing the job they were elected to do. Case in point: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

“New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who was effusive in his praise of President Barack Obama when the two leaders toured damage from Hurricane Sandy last week, turned down a request by Mitt Romney to appear with him at a rally on Sunday night in Pennsylvania, The Huffington Post has learned.

Christie’s decision will only add to questions among Republicans about what the governor — who is up for reelection a year from now — is thinking, and why he went out of his way to heap praise on the president, and then refused to appear with Romney.

The Romney rally was held at a farm in Morrisville, Pa., not more than 20 minutes from Trenton, the New Jersey capital. The physical proximity of the event to New Jersey only added to questions in the Romney campaign about why Christie chose not to come.

“You can’t tell me he couldn’t have gone over there for a night rally,” a Romney campaign source told HuffPost.” – THE HUFFINGTON POST

Well, first of all, considering that New Jersey currently looks like it lost a battle with Godzilla it’s not surprising that the governor didn’t drop what he was doing and go campaign with some rich asshole in another state. Mitt Romney! of course is used to people being in his employ and simply doing his bidding. But Christie is not in his employ. And Mitt can’t fire him, as much as I’m sure he’d like to. Poor Mitt. What’s a rich man to do when he can’t fire someone? It’s like taking away Spock’s ability to knock people out with his Vulcan nerve pinch. Then he’s just a mouthy asshole with a stupid haircut.

I also think Arbuckle, er, Christie has got a much larger concern. Up for re-election next year in a heavily Democratic state he probably doesn’t want to be hitching his wagon to the star of a man only slightly less disgusting than a bag full of scrotums. What’s more I think he is smart enough to see that while a spasm of Tea Party enthusiasm got him elected in the first place, he’s going to need to appeal to the more sane people of his state to keep his job. People who don’t cower in fear of the government or immigrants or… whatever.

Yeah, we’re pretty much two solid years into this Tea Party thing and I still could not tell you what they are all about. I mean I’m sure the answers are just a few keystrokes away, but, putting forth the effort to find out would actually make me feel ashamed of myself. And that’s a pretty tall order when you’re me.

HAPPY LABOR DAY

A conservative friend of mine (yeah, I have them) and I were talking over the weekend about Labor Day. He said that he didn’t have any objections to a federal holiday celebrating the average worker, but he felt it was unfair that business owners don’t have a holiday of their own.

It took about six napkins to wipe the beer off my face and shirt after it sprayed from my nose when I laughed so hard that my prostate almost ruptured. My friend furled his brow and asked me why I was laughing.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I replied. “Every day is Business Owner Day.”

“President Barack Obama addresses a union group in the heart of the U.S. auto industry today in a prelude to a nationally televised speech later this week laying out his proposals to reignite the economy and boost employment.

Marking the U.S. Labor Day holiday, Obama is set to speak this afternoon to a core Democratic Party constituency at a Metro Detroit Central Labor Council rally, where he’ll be joined by U.S. Labor Secretary Hilda Solis and AFL-CIO president Richard Trumka.

Obama will unveil his new jobs agenda in the speech to Congress as unemployment remains at 9.1 percent more than two years after the recession’s official end. The sluggish recovery from the worst recession since the Great Depression will be central issues as Obama runs for re-election next year. Republicans, who control the U.S. House, have signaled resistance to new spending that would add to the federal budget deficit.” – BLOOMBERG

Well nothing pays the bills or puts food on the table like a good speech. That’s for sure. And of course when it comes to our elected leaders as a whole nothing pays my health insurance premium or buys new clothes for my kids like sticking to your hollow political rhetoric. I mean I’m sure when my conservative friend is out of work and struggling to feed his family he’ll still stand proud knowing that the Tea Party stuck to its ideals and didn’t raise taxes on the rich.

Every day in America belongs to the wealthy. Every day is Corporation Day or Wall Street Day. Every day belongs to WalMart and Microsoft, Bank of America and Citigroup. Of course their holiday (which is every day) is celebrated by having unparalleled access to the levers of power and hoarding like 90% of the wealth. Our one day is more symbolic and is usually celebrated with cheap American beer and burgers. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Hell, man, that’s what I’m doing today.

Only a business owner can get their member of Congress on the phone. The guy who picks up your garbage or rings you up at Target would probably be arrested for even trying. Granted, owning a business doesn’t mean you’re rich or influential. And I will confess that I really don’t include the local skateboard shop or diner in the same category as, say, Halliburton or a Vegas Casino. Small business owners often work just as hard as their employees and I would actually argue that Labor Day is as much their holiday as it is ours.

Of course I think we’re upset at the wrong people for the wrong reasons. The mistake we’re making is assuming that anyone we send to political office gives a shit about us at all. As I have said more times than I care to remember, the biggest mistake of all is letting the wealthy make decisions for the rest of us. Our leaders are all wealthy which means they’re not one of us. We might as well elect monkeys and dolphins to office. In fact monkeys and dolphins have more in common with human beings than rich people do.